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Hey everyone.
It has been a little while since I've posted here, but here I am! This week, the divorce papers are going to be submitted and I am going to be done with the husband for good. I haven't had any contact with him, really, other than logistics.

I have been very happily seeing an old friend (dating him, if you will) and never thought that this kind of happiness would be possible. The best thing about it is his desire to actually talk to me and know what I'm thinking and appreciate my opinions and feelings. I don't always feel like everything I say or do is wrong or stupid. Now, my struggle is not making the same mistakes in this relationship because I've acted, felt, been a certain way for the past four years and it certainly is a challenge.

Does anyone have any advice for what to do when starting a new relationship after a divorce? A lot of people have told me it's "too soon" but I feel comfortable with it and I am taking it slowly.

I find myself always assuming things that are not necessarily the case, based on what I anticipated my ex-husband intended in the past. I think that's the hardest part, because there are things we don't yet know about each other, which is exciting but also scary because one doesn't always know how the other is going to react. We've had great success with being open and always communicating with one another, which I appreciate so much, but sometimes there's a misstep and I get worried that I'm going to "ruin" something.

One thing I am looking forward to greatly is that we're both going back to school together in the Fall and I love being able to share that with someone. Again, this is something new to me. My ex-husband never participated in the things I enjoyed and I love learning new things and being able to share that with someone.

Relationships aside, I feel more confident. Even if things don't work out with this particular guy, I will be more educated, I will have more money saved up, I will have stayed in contact with my friends. I finally feel like I'm in a relationship which ENHANCES my life. It's such a weird and new feeling. It's little things like us hanging out with mutual friends that makes it even better... again, I can't stress enough how constrained I felt beforehand and how free and happy I feel now.

I know a lot of "experts" say that if you are comparing your new relationship to your old one, you're probably not ready. Obviously everyone is going to make the comparison, but, anyway, I just wanted to share.

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I don't really know what to say, sophie...

You found out your H was having an affair... demanded he D you... "kissed a boy" not so long ago and felt guilty about it...

And now the D papers aren't even submitted, yet you are happily dating some other guy...

And you seem to wonder why and almost appear hurt, that "a lot of people" tell you this is too soon...

Who are the "experts" you are referring to, that you specifically put the word experts, in quotes, regarding comparing relationships?

Are they professional therapists or something? Not that it matters. I'm just wondering why you are discounting them, if they are actually professional therapists.

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Quote:
Does anyone have any advice for what to do when starting a new relationship after a divorce?

I have to admit I haven't read your previous threads and you don't have a sig so I don't have much frame of reference. But as someone who's dating again I would say if you have to ask for advice it might be too soon. If you feel confident on your own and trust yourself enough to not get "caught up" in giddy new love feelings, become codependant, jump in without knowing someone then you're ready.

There's a few things in your post in that stuck out at me:

[/quote]his desire to actually talk to me and know what I'm thinking and appreciate my opinions and feelings. I don't always feel like everything I say or do is wrong or stupid. [/quote]
It sounds like you've had a rough time and for whatever reason you felt that you weren't appreciated, listened to or worthy of that. I was pretty insecure too and I used to look for validation in relationships and attention from men. Even walking into a room and having men look at me made me feel confident. I took the time to appreciate myself and fill that void outside of relationships.

If I had a wish for you it would be that you would choose to take some time out for YOU and work on YOURSELF. It's not the easy thing but it's worth it. If you spend the time looking at why you feel that you'll be rejected or aren't worthy of love (that's where that ruin feeling comes from...always waiting for the other shoe to drop because surely someone can't want to be with you and not be slightly screwed up LOL) and take the time to feel loved and appreciated and valuable it would make the world of difference.

You say that you're off to college and you're really excited about that. It will be great for you, but I think it would be a hundred million times better for you to truly do that on your own and not with the help of a new partner.

Many people go from one relationship to the next. Some repeat the same mistakes, some are happy with not being fully able to trust or love. If you take some time to be still and work on you it'll be worth it. I would never say when is the right time or the wrong time, I just think from your post there are some things that tell me you would have a HAPPIER relationship if you worked on your for a bit. Time actually means nothing. If you waited 5 years but didn't look internally it wouldn't matter at all. You have to want to be a more independent partner in your relationship, and then you'd know without a shadow of a doubt that you're not going to make the same mistakes.

Good luck! I hope this doesn't come off like a 2x4 because it's not meant to be!

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Originally Posted By: sophiedaphne


Does anyone have any advice for what to do when starting a new relationship after a divorce?


Many would say "Wait until you're actually divorced." My wife and I did decide that we would date other people (and each other) before our divorce was final, but it was only on mutual agreement and we both thought we were DONE at that point.

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I have been very happily seeing an old friend (dating him, if you will) and never thought that this kind of happiness would be possible.


How long have you two been dating?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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My advice would be to wait until after the divorce is final to start dating again. I think it is normal to want to date and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself during this time. I know I have felt that urge myself and I am one of the ones who still hopes that my M can be saved. If this old friend and new boyfriend respects you and is the person that you are meant to be with then he will understand and still be there when the divorce is final.


M 39, W 34
M 15
S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6
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Divorced 11/5/2012
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It's really up to each person's own values and morals, so I'll stay out of that part of the argument. But from a practical, DBing standpoint, it's a physiological fact that you can't properly open yourself up to giving (or receiving) your spouse's emotional needs when you're infatuated with someone else. If Sophie's been dating this guy while she's been here, trying to DB, then it's pretty much a waste of everyone's time.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
It's really up to each person's own values and morals, so I'll stay out of that part of the argument. But from a practical, DBing standpoint, it's a physiological fact that you can't properly open yourself up to giving (or receiving) your spouse's emotional needs when you're infatuated with someone else. If Sophie's been dating this guy while she's been here, trying to DB, then it's pretty much a waste of everyone's time.


Yup.

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Or said another way, and we all know everyone is entitled to their own choice on how long they will "stand"...

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We do talk about this being a marathon, sometimes... The timeline of you dating, if it's anywhere near the mid july "kissing a boy" incident, if you really believe you've done everything you could or needed to DB and / or you've been dating a guy and NOW found out your H was having an A...

How could you be angry that he was A...? It's after the fact that you appear to have been truly done, anyhow?

Just observations and maybe rhetorical questions... *shrug*

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Quote:
Now, [b]my struggle is not making the same mistakes in this relationship because I've acted, felt, been a certain way for the past four years [b] and it certainly is a challenge. . . .

Does anyone have any advice for what to do when starting a new relationship after a divorce? A lot of people have told me it's "too soon" but I feel comfortable with it and I am taking it slowly. . . .

I find myself [b] always assuming things that are not necessarily the case, based on what I anticipated my ex-husband intended in the past. [b] I think that's the hardest part, because there are things we don't yet know about each other, which is exciting but also [b] scary because one doesn't always know how the other is going to react.[b] We've had great success with being open and always communicating with one another, which I appreciate so much, but [b] sometimes there's a misstep and I get worried that I'm going to "ruin" something.[b]
. . .

I know a lot of "experts" say that if you are comparing your new relationship to your old one, you're probably not ready. Obviously everyone is going to make the comparison, but, anyway, I just wanted to share.


Hi sophie, glad to hear you are feeling better about life in general. You're so young and you have fine through some very heavy things over the past few months.

I agree with the above thoughts that only you can determine when you are ready for a new R. However I bolded some things that stuck out to me above... You say that you are having trouble breaking out of some old behavior patterns. You are very worried that the smallest misstep will bring "ruin" on your current R. In a way your current R is very affected by how you were treated in your last R.

What have you done for yourself to heal from your M other than start dating someone new? Are you in IC?

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Ah I goofed up my html, sorry. Let me try that again..
.

Quote:
Now, my struggle is not making the same mistakes in this relationship because I've acted, felt, been a certain way for the past four years and it certainly is a challenge. . . .

Does anyone have any advice for what to do when starting a new relationship after a divorce? A lot of people have told me it's "too soon" but I feel comfortable with it and I am taking it slowly. . . .

I find myself always assuming things that are not necessarily the case, based on what I anticipated my ex-husband intended in the past. I think that's the hardest part, because there are things we don't yet know about each other, which is exciting but also scary because one doesn't always know how the other is going to react. We've had great success with being open and always communicating with one another, which I appreciate so much, but sometimes there's a misstep and I get worried that I'm going to "ruin" something.
. . .

I know a lot of "experts" say that if you are comparing your new relationship to your old one, you're probably not ready. Obviously everyone is going to make the comparison, but, anyway, I just wanted to share.

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