Its a pack of cigs, a packet of "girls things" and a note to try and open the door a crack.
No... Just absolutely NO
Originally Posted By: mac-ct
Just like last time.
I say this as compassionately as I know how... Do you want to end up back here 3 years from now because you continue to walk in "last times"?
Originally Posted By: mac-ct
Too soon? It's been going on for 2 months now. Someone's got to give just a little bit. With compassion.
Too soon? For what? Is there a timeline I am unaware of? 2 months, while it may feel like a lifetime, is actually nothing.
You want compassion?
Compassionately take care of yourself.
You want to give?
Give to yourself.
Do you even think that if I had not been able to drop the rope and focus on myself, I would have been able to accomplish what I did last week?
Heck no....I would still be curled up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb in the corner. You have got to come to the realization that she is playing you like a steel drum. She knows that she can walk all over you and you will stand up for yourself for perhaps a day and then your spine turns to jello and you are back to pursuing her in any way you possibly can.
You are allowing fear to control your actions. Afraid to be on your own? I prefer it now. Afraid that you "lost"? What you win is of much higher value, than what you have now. Afraid she is the "best" you will ever find? Change your perspective. I am worth more than that.
You are still seeking your worth in her and until you get out of the corner and off the floor, you will continue to not listen to anyone.
You are still asking "how high" when she says jump. Step back and see that you are doing ALL the work in a marriage that takes TWO. She now has the best of both worlds and you are handing it to her on a silver platter, daily.
It does not matter what is in the room, the principle was that you were not going to be locked out of rooms in your house. She could have a closet full of clothes or a mattress on the floor for all I care... Your excitement at the fact that some things have come back is quite frankly appalling (I mean that nicely)... Who cares? Say it again... WHO CARES.
Do not come back here and tell me you understand, or we are right, or you will try do better etc.... As someone once told me, do or do not, there is no try.
((((Hugs))))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Ah dammit. Backing off. Doing nothing except what I have been doing. Working on me and now continuing to ignore the W in specific ways.
I honestly don't want you guys to think you're wasting your time with me. I'd be completely lost if that's the case. I really need some support here. Some direction and meaning.
One thing I can tell you is tha there's no damn way I'm going to walk away. No damn way I'm going to contribute to the "end". No damn way I'm going to be swayed away from the path I choose.
Just need a tiny tiniest hint, nudge, whatever maybe from someone on the other side of a sitch like this. I can only read what happened the last time this happened. The journey. The stopping points to view the scenery. The trip across the pits and the end of the trail (I thought). During that trip there WERE stages where we both gave a bit. And someone had to start that process.
As it now stands there are two people. Each staring at the other waiting for the other to blink. What must I do? Wait for her to blink. Wait for her to notice my improvements (she already has). How much improvement must there be before I can "make the first move".
Starsky I truly value your friendship and your guidance. I'm really getting lost in the "waiting" stage. Two months and counting. Two months of saying "no can do in this sitch as it now stands". What the heck is going on here. I'm getting as confused as she is.
Starsky please quote me 'cos I sure didn't believe it UNTIL I re-read my posts from ages gone AND had the FACT told to me again by a mate who was personally quizzed at leangth by my W!!!!!!
I PRMICE you guys and gals on a stack of bibles that your spouse DOES find out about you and they DO notice what you're up too. It doesn't matter how close or how far you are apart. It DOES happen. And I'm SO okay with this because I know what she's going to hear.
THAT'S why you need to work on yourself, do your 180's, act "as if" the whole 9 yards. It WILL be noticed.
Whoop whoop :-)))))
Mac
No, you do it for yourself. If they notice it's a bonus. You are far too concerned with the effect your actions are going to have on her. Far.
I honestly don't want you guys to think you're wasting your time with me. I'd be completely lost if that's the case. I really need some support here. Some direction and meaning.
. . .
Starsky I truly value your friendship and your guidance. I'm really getting lost in the "waiting" stage. Two months and counting. Two months of saying "no can do in this sitch as it now stands". What the heck is going on here. I'm getting as confused as she is.
Mac,
Have you read my old threads? Have you read Denver's? Do you see ANYTHING in how we handled our sitches (two very different -- and at times even opposite -- approaches, btw) that would indicate that giving your wife this little "care package" was even REMOTELY a good idea??
Please re-read what everyone has posted to you. Again. And tell me where ANY of us said to "ignore" your wife. In fact, I have specifically advised you to stop being so passive-aggressive, and to DIRECTLY talk to her, politely but firmly, and stop dancing this dance she has you doing.
You do not need to apologize to me -- you owe me nothing. But I honestly can't see where I'm helping you any, when you don't apply any of what we suggest. You've been at this HOW long now? You are stuck in the same spot most people are maybe two weeks post-bomb. And unless you change your approach, you will STAY forever stuck in this spot (or worse).
I'm sorry to be so harsh. I really don't know any other way to say it.
Ah Soddit again. This mood the W is in really needs to work itself out. I can be here for her. Others that she relates to are involved in one way or another. Only one person is supporting the W in this path that she's on at the moment.
Everyone else isn't supporting her in any way.
So why must I? It really is out of my hands!!!!
Some have reassured me that they are trying to help in a positive way. I've not asked them to!!!!!!!
They're all aware that I love my W. and will do anything for her - to my detriment I now realise.
So …… Let go. That's exactly what I need to do. Again. And consistently. I'm not gong to spend any more time being out of the way. If she comes home, I'll be here (unless I've made arrangements to be elsewhere). It's not going to be my problem if she retreats to "her" bedroom.
I honestly can't see though what possible plus points are to be gained by denying my W a pack of pads. I can certainly see the "bugger isn't buying me something" bit. Please explain someone. Then I can happily drop it once and for all.
Thanks in anxious anticipation.
Mac
Starsky - found one of your threads in your early days. I busy ploughing through it now.
I honestly can't see though what possible plus points are to be gained by denying my W a pack of pads. I can certainly see the "bugger isn't buying me something" bit. Please explain someone. Then I can happily drop it once and for all.
Because it shows you that you are a puppy to jump thru her hoops, and to be at her beckon call. And when you do that, she loses respect for you, and since women, especially, very closely tie their feelings of LOVE with their feelings of RESPECT for a man, she rapidly loses love for you when you respond like a trained monkey to her little tests.
I honestly can't see though what possible plus points are to be gained by denying my W a pack of pads.
It isn't about denying her pads, which I may add she is quite capable of purchasing herself. You are showing her that this is how it is going to be if she continues on the road she is walking. It will no longer be your responsibility to "take care" of her. She needs to grow up and act like an adult, not a three year old who is having a temper tantrum.
She needs help with her phone, there you are fixing it. She wants food, there you are wearing an apron. She needs some cash, there you are with your wallet open. She needs pads, there you are ready to run to the store.
She needs, she needs, she needs, and you come running. Why in the world would she change?
Nothing is going to change until you stop catering to her every move.
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
