a new perspective

[strongerthanever]

I'm not sure how to post a link to my last thread! Seeing how it got to 14 pages I figured I should start a new thread. PLus I think the new title is right on with everything that has occured within me recently.

Just to catch everyone up I'm pasting my last post from the old thread below............................................

(venting here so I can get it out of my system)

Huh, angry outburst #2 since sending him that email, after about 5 months of NO angry outbursts at all....?

As I mentioned earlier, I'm leaving H alone and just focusing on my life. Not going dark, just allowing interactions to occur on his time, when he is ready.

I was in class tonight from 6-10pm. After class I noticed I had a text from H asking for a huge favor at 7. At 7:30 I had a missed a call from him. I checked the voice mail to find him yelling in the phone. He wanted to know what was wrong with D3's leg....? It was 10:30pm and I was not going to be rude and wake him, so I just left it and drove to work.

Wow, I don't know what is up with him, but this is not how my friendships work. I know that whatever was "wrong" with our daughter's leg is not what the real problem was. It is seriously NOT ok for him to dump on me when he is upset. His issues are his issues. And I certainly hope he is not thinking that my life is on stand by just waiting for the moment when he will need me for a favor. I have a life too, and he needs to learn to respect that.

Yes, I opened up to him in a major way, and I meant every word that I said. But it doesnt mean that I'm sitting here revolving my world around him, and that I will join him on his crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I get off at 7 in the morning. After I wake up from sleeping I'll send him a text asking him what he needed.

Do all spouses do this? Expecting us to not have a life and run to their side the moment they give us the slightest bit of attention?

I am really irritated with his behavior. Not judging, not going to lash out or not hold myself accountable for MY behavior, I'm just irritated...

[strongerthanever]

LIGHTBULB!!!!

I was just reading on someone else's sitch and realised that I am a TOTAL fixer!

This past Fri, when H briefly visited me at my desk, he complained about his babysitter. I use to use her as well, but as she was always angry and unreliable, I replaced her. H was complaining about her to me. Instead of validating and then getting out of the way, I tried to fix it and gave him the # to my sitter.

I also recall H talking about an upcoming surgery and complaining that he will have to "deal with it alone". I did not comment. He was living in the basement and at the time, involved with his high school girlfriend that was living in another state. I changed the ice in his machine, made him meals, did everything I could as a friend. I did not remind him of everything that I did last year. Just (mind reading, I know) figured that his "victim" mentality focused on the other areas of his recovery.

Wow, looking back I really see how I always held everything together for him, regardless of the way he treated me. I can see how the resulting resentment contributed to the building of my WAW mode. And yet here I am today, still picking up the pieces for him. Honestly I do it bc it hurts me to think that he would struggle with something. I need to stop beinging the rescuer. It isn't helping him at all.

There is a difference between having compassion for the pain that I caused him while in WAW mode and tollerating/enabeling/fixing. I need to be aware of my tendancy to fix his issues as it enables him to play the victim. I also need to make sure that my not-fixing behavior is not fueled by anger or any other negative emotion.

Hmmmm, new territory for me. Do any of the vets have any words of wisdom on this subject?

[labug]

Good realization.

However Honestly I do it bc it hurts me to think that he would struggle with something.you need to look closely at this.

It's not about him, it's about YOU struggling with something.

What's that about?

[vera be fierce]

There is a popular book out there about overcoming codependency, check it out if you haven't already.

Also google rescuer/victim triangle.

Reading about these things helped me a lot.

it's good that you are detaching enough to identify problem patterns in your life.

[strongerthanever]

Labug,

It's about my unhealthy Co dependent nature. I think that I could have a belief that if I give enough that in return I will receive something?? Idk. I know that assuming responsibility for anothers struggles is not healthy for me nor the other person. At least I think that's what is going on here?

I'm not so clear on this one yet as I am just becoming aware of this.

[strongerthanever]

Thank you Vera! I am reading Co dependent no more. If you don't mind my asking, what clarity did you gain?

I am aware enough to see this pattern in my past behavior, I'm just not sure if I'm aware of it in the moment. I find that my own it and fix it nature chimes add naturally as breathing. I feel guilty and uncomfortable in the moment where I should stand up for myself and say no.

Although it happened MANY times with h, I know that only I can be held accountable for this behavior. I really want to understand this and overcome it do that I can have healthier r with everyone in my future, not just h.

[strongerthanever]

Excuse my phones auto correct

[strongerthanever]

When I got off of work this morning I sent h a text asking if d3s leg was ok. I was going to wait, but why? This is my child, and I really did want to know if she was ok.

H reply was what took you so long to ask that? And nothing more. I told him that I did not want to be rude and call late at night when class was over, but that I was concerned about her. No reply. Well at least I know she is ok, if she want he would have contacted me.

Strange that he is acting so differently since I opened up to him. Never mind Mr grumpy

[labug]

I would have called to find out about D's leg. he may have been overdramatic but anything could have happened.

[labug]

Labug,

It's about my unhealthy Co dependent nature. I think that I could have a belief that if I give enough that in return I will receive something?? Idk. I know that assuming responsibility for anothers struggles is not healthy for me nor the other person. At least I think that's what is going on here?

I'm not so clear on this one yet as I am just becoming aware of this.

That's a good start. The more you detach from other people, the easier it gets. Controlling/fixing was like breathing for me, no effort, it just happened.

Work on detaching and believing that others have a right to their lives, their decisions, their mistakes, their successes. If you haven't already seen in livestrong has a great list of detachment reminders.