As this is my first post, I apologize in advance if this story goes all over the place.
Some background on me : I've been reading this forum for a couple months, have read through DR, and am seeing an IC who believes in the DB/DR methods, so that's very helpful!
My Story: I'll try to keep this as brief as I can. My wife and I have been married for just 15 months, and unfortunately I find myself on this board. Before we got married, we dated LD for about 3 months, then she moved down from her hometown in central Florida to South Florida to be with me. We dated for a little over a year and were engaged for a year before getting married.
Only a few months after she moved down to south Florida, she began to express her unhappiness with the area. She wasn't making any friends and dearly missed her friends in central Florida. Unfortunately, I brushed off these feelings as temporary, explaining she needed some time to adjust and make some new friends. As she had a hard time finding a job, I was able to get her a job at the company I worked for (Small company with just 4 employees, one of which is my older brother). She took the job, and suddenly we were together 24 hours a day, every day. While I LOVED this, she clearly was missing her independence, her circle of friends etc... But again I kept thinking that this phase would pass and she'd be able to find some friends and outlets to make her happy again. All the while, I kept giving more and more of myself to her in hopes of filling the void... something I've learned did exactly the opposite.
In February of this year, I had the feeling that something was terribly off, but my wife has always been a very internal person, keeping her feelings to herself, especially if they are feelings that she knows would hurt me (as I tend to be hypersensitive at times). However, this feeling of dread got the best of me and I snooped through her cell phone. BIG mistake. I found some emails and pictures that she'd sent to an ex, and I was devastated.
Side Note: Earlier in our relationship, I found out she'd sent an email to this ex shortly after we'd got together apologizing for abrupt ending of their relationship once she met me. They had dated years ago, LD, and although he cheated on her and they broke up, she always had feelings for him and they were kinda dating when my wife and I met. She abruptly stopped talking to him and moved down to be with me...
Back to the story: I confronted her about the emails (which stated that she was planning on moving back to central Florida and our marriage would depend on if I went too) and picture and it blew up. During that conversation, she told me we'd been finished for a long time, that she wasn't happy at all and thought there was too much damage to ever repair.
I immediately started seeing an IC, as did she. I quickly started doing some 180s: She complained that I was too clingy and touchy-feely, always having to touch her whenever she'd walk by, and my therapist suggested I stop... And it worked wonders! She started IC and things started to seem like they were getting better quickly.
A month later, she left for a visit to central Florida for the weekend, and when she returned, she told me she wanted to have a talk. During that conversation, she told me that although the last month of our relationship was the best we'd ever had, she was still so unhappy and couldn't stand to be in south Florida with me anymore. She told me she needed to find her independence, find out who she was, and think about things. I begged an pleaded, but her mind was made up. A few weeks later (May 2012) she packed up her car and left.
I, through DR and my therapist, decided that "Less is More" when it came to our communications now that she'd left me. I let her initiate all contact. At first, there was very little, but over the weeks she began calling or texting more often (about once a week or so). The conversations are always pleasant, at first, but as they go on she'll begin asking questions about our relationship and I find myself getting very sad and needy, trying to explain why I didn't do this or why I did that... Then she'll start crying and I feel we've ruined the good conversation. I began following the DR advice a little more and most of the time keeping the conversations light and being the one to end the conversations.
However, on Tuesday we had another great talk and just as I was getting off the phone, she asked me a question: Why didn't I fight for her to stay? This devestated me and I went off on a tangent about how hard I was fighting, how I fought for her all the time while we were together, but I'd come to find out it didn't work, so I decided to let her go and find happiness in central Florida, with the OM or whatever.
I was devastated at my own reaction to her question, as I felt I attacked her and didn't keep my cool. I went to see my therapist yesterday, who advised that instead of continuing to profusely apologize about my actions, I send her a quick email asking if she would be interested if I started persuing her more in the hopes of rekindling our relationship. As she'd initiated the relationship talk, this seemed like a good idea.
She responded to the email telling me that she was glad I'd reacted the way I did because it gave her some answers. She told me that she felt that I never fought for her in our relationship, even though I always told her I'd do anything for her. She felt I didn't fight for her when she had disagreements with my family, when she brought up her unhappiness in south Florida etc. She told me that she cared deeply for me and always wants me in her life, but feels there was too much damage done by both of us to ever fix it. She said she hurt me too much and feels I'll never be able to get past that.
I called her immediately and asked if she wanted to talk about it. She went into a little more detail, about how upset she was over how happy she is in central Florida over the last 3 months without me, about how unhappy she was for the last few years and unfortunately I was a big part of that, and that she can't see us being together again.
Obviously I'm devastated by this conversation. I know that "Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does" is commonly thrown around, but it's so hard to do that. All our conversations seem to be good, she's always sweet to me and never outwardly tries to hurt me... I'm just so lost at this latest twist.
I'm off to see my therapist again in a few hours, but I've been tossing around a new 180 that I want your advice on. As she feels that I've never fought for her, I keep thinking that one major 180 I could do is to move to central Florida to begin fighting for her again. Am I way off track on that?
Thanks for reading, sorry it was a novel. I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say... Any advice is GREATLY appreciated.
Moving to Florida is Pursuit and not the 180 that I would suggest.
Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
After seeing IC again yesterday, I quickly figured that moving isn't the answer at all, so thanks for echoing that statement!
So far on my GAL plan, I've been hitting the gym quite a bit (lost about 30 pounds in the last four months), eating much better, trying to go out with friends more often, and getting back to writing more.
I'm going to have to work hard on the Detaching part, as most of the conversations we have are positive. She recently complained that she's ALWAYS the one who has to initiate conversations, and she feels that it means I'm not fighting for her...
IC recommended yesterday that occasionally reaching out to her in a friendly way may be a good idea. Just a quick text to say hello. He explained that after she confirmed that she's not interested in me pursuing her romantically, that I can now very safely wear the "friend" hat, provided that any contact is very light, and the content is carefully controlled. I feel this goes against some of the DR advice, but I'm having a hard time choising between IC advice and DR advice...
So here's an update: There's been nothing going on since last week's communications (Detailed above). I took my IC's advice and sent her a quick text this morning, (as she is going to have a VERY rough day today... can't go into details, but suffice to say today is going to be brutal for her) just to let her know that I'm sure she'll be strong today, as she always is, and that I'm never more than a phone call away. I haven't heard a word back from her on that.
In our last communication, and a few times before that, she mentioned that it upset her that over the last 3-4 months, since she moved away, that SHE is the one that always has to initiate the conversations. I can't tell if that's her reaching out and asking me to be a little more involved or if it means my detachment/LRT is "working"...
I'd love to hear from you you guys, as I need advice.
Quick Update and a reminder to myself going forward to BE PATIENT! After internally freaking out about the conversation we had last week and the follow up email, I was not in the greatest mental place. I wanted to call, to text, to email... but I was able to pull back on all of that for the most part.
I took my IC's advice and sent a single text yesterday morning, knowing it was going to be a particularly tough day for her, simply wishing her luck and strength. A few hours later, she texted back, thanking me for the thoughts and letting me know that her day actually turned out to be wonderful, as the circumstances that were going to make it a very tough day had changed, thus making her extremely happy. She also stated that she felt that this was another sign that her moving back to central Florida was the right thing to do... which stung a little. Then she told me she'd be calling later this week to catch up.
While this was all nice, I still focused a bit on the "Sign" part of the text and let myself get a little bit down. Thankfully, I was able to pull out of this little tailspin relatively quickly by going out for drinks with a friend after work. Getting in a social environment, meeting new people, and having great conversations had me practically floating when I got home. I'll be okay no matter what happens with the W.
Then, much to my surprise, I awoke this morning to another email from W, telling me a story about how she heard a song on the radio yesterday that reminded her of me and that it made her tear up alternately in sadness and happiness... While I never like to hear of her crying, it was nice that she reached out just to tell me that she thought about me yesterday.
I need to remember to keep on track, keep working on myself, GAL, Act As If, and BE PATIENT... while everything seemed so dark only a few days ago, today things seem to at least be moving in a positive direction... Although I know it's only a VERY small step on this long, tough journey.
