Sorry for the long post but it's been a little while since I last posted so I figured I'd check in and see if anyone has any thoughts on some recent developments. For those that aren't familiar with my situation:
Basically to update since I went dark, my wife and I are still separated with her being out of the house just under three months. Not surprisingly, I have my good days and bad days with it and up until recently, the bad days coincided with the hours and days following when I would see her. She's got her own apartment a little closer to work while I'm in the house with our dog, etc.
I've made it a huge point to myself to give her space so she can figure out what she needs while also not having to feel like I'm smothering her. I don't call, text, or reach out in any way unless she initiates it. When we do talk, I don't bring up our relationship for the most part.
Despite our separation and her being out of the house, we actually end up seeing each other a couple times a week, mostly on the weekends. We've also gone away twice together, once at the end of May to Mexico on a planned vacation and last weekend to DC where I had to go for a business trip. Our current situation isn't public to anyone right now. A few close friends of mine (husbands of her friends), her mom and sister, and my mom and brother know but we don't talk about it openly. If people ask me what's going on I don't lie, I'm 100% more open about it than her, but I've stopped going looking for people to bring it up - if that makes any sense. Up until recently, I guess you can say we had basically been putting on a show, going to birthday parties and dinners together. She was with her family or friends on her own a couple times and when I'm not there they make conversation and ask how everything's going, etc to which she basically gives them a line of BS. She still wears her rings from what I can gather which to me, along with not really making it public, gives me hope that she's not 100% done with us.
Now, with me saying that, I've put a lot of thought into our situation. We're basically coming up on 6 months since this whole thing started. Having taken the time while she's been out of the house, I've determined that I feel the same way about her - I want her home. I'm not sitting around waiting for her to walk in the door if that's what you are thinking. I try to go out and make plans on my own with friends when I don't have anything going on. I know I can't do anything about how she feels. At the same time, I'm done letting her think she can keep me hanging.
On the drive back from DC last weekend, I broached the subject of us for the first time in a couple months. I told her that I don't expect anything from her in that moment but that she needs to know where I stand because I'm done with this limbo. I told her how despite everything that has happened that I'd like for us to give it a shot. I told her that it's impossible for things to go back to normal and that we'd basically have to start from scratch but how I feel hasn't changed since she moved out. I was also very realistic and said that if she isn't interested in that then I think we need to stop playing games. I can't pretend to be married anymore and we need a direction, one way or the other.
It was mostly me talking but she did say a couple of things that I found interesting. To an extent I caught her off guard but she said she expected it to come up at some point that weekend. She asked me if I thought we were better friends. I didn't have an answer beyond, "that's not what I want" but she said she didn't have one either, just that it was a question she thought of because she still wasn't sure about us, or her feelings about us should I say.
So you may have noticed that I've been underling the phrase, "up until recently". I've been doing that because I think since we got back from DC that she's trying to make an effort with us a little more. I could 100% be overanalyzing this to make it seem like what I want it to be but this is why I think it:
A few hours after getting back Sunday, she texted me to make chit-chat about how the AC wasn't working in her place, the dog, and not looking forward to going back to work. At any other point in our relationship that would seem normal but since all this started we just don't make "chit-chat".
Admittedly so, I didn't talk to her again until Wednesday which has been kind of a norm where I don't hear from her for a few days.
When she called after work Wednesday she talked to me for like 45 minutes about her day and week so far. Again, with how things had been going for months, this is progress. She was talking about how she had to grocery shopping and then back to her non-AC'ed apt. At that point I offered that she could come stay at the house if she wanted thinking she'd say no thanks because she had a long week so far and had stuff to do but she accepted. She brought her own dinner so she didn't use food I had there. We talked and I think genuinely had a good time together. She stayed on the couch rather than one of the guest rooms that night but I didn't care.
Thursday she texted me during the day, which was like 20 degrees cooler, and asked if she should stay at the house again that night. I said yes and she came after work. Same thing as the night before.
Friday we texted back and forth alittle but she had plans with her friends and I did with mine so we didn't see each other. She did make it a point to text me that she went back to the apartment thought while I was out. I thought that was interesting.
Saturday we made plans to go to the racetrack in the area to watch some races and she invited me to her place for a little. Afterwards I left because she was having a friend over for dinner but she gave me a hug and said she had a good time.
Yesterday we both basically crashed after a busy week but we texted a little...again, more than anything in the months preceding all this.
My birthday is coming up this weekend and she's putting together a group of friends to go out to eat Friday night. She tried keeping it a secret but I found out. She already asked if she could stay at the house Friday night preparing for a late night.
She asked me if I'd have any interest in going to the food & wine festival in Disney in September/October.
So where am I at now? I'm starting to think she's testing the waters to see if there's anything still there for her. I could be making a lot more out of all this simply because that's what I want it to be but she's doing things that she hasn't in months. Perhaps, I said something to her last weekend that clicked? Then again, perhaps she's just trying to manipulate me to buy some more time. I don't know but if anyone has any thoughts I'd appreciate it.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I think you are right to be careful. I'd try to stay emotionally detached and let her lead to show. If you've done your homework (180s and work on yourself) she might just like what she sees. Hope the Bday dinner goes well.
cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks. I'm trying to limit my expectations, or basically not having any at all. It's tough when I know what I want but really don't have much more of a say in getting it. I've done what I can to make the changes I need for me.
It sounds pathetic but I'd wait until she's ready. Maybe it's because I don't know anything else but with this time apart it's just made me come to the conclusion that I don't want anything (or anyone) else.
My problem is I can only put up with so much more if she's playing me for a fool but I guess I'm not ready to do anything more serious about it.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Knowing what you want and having no expectations aren't mutually exclusive. You can absolutely have hopes and goals, but steer clear of EXPECTING things to happen a certain way.
Stay on track, let her lead, and be careful not to backslide or get over-enthusiastic. It sounds like good progress either way!
