My divorce is going to be final next week, and I don’t want it. My wife filed for separation in May of last year. I was shocked, but I probably shouldn’t have been. We had the same issues that would come up over and over, and she decided enough was enough. I was hurt, especially since we have already recovered from so much during our marriage. I tried to talk to her, but my efforts just seemed to push her farther away, so I just let her go and hoped it wouldn’t really happen. Apparently it is. She went out of town last week, and my daughter and I were watching television late one night. She asked me why I hadn’t even tried to get her mom back. I told her I didn’t know what to do. She looked at me the same way my wife has looked at me many times.
My wife is affectionate, needs a lot of encouragement. She has a high sex drive for a woman, and that has been a big issue. Sometimes it seems like we were reversed from the typical couple. We have been through some really hard times, depression after our daughter was born, job issues and a new career for me, and an affair she had about 6 years ago. She confessed the affair and truly repented. We worked through that and our marriage seemed to be getting much better. But eventually the same issues as always came to the forefront again.
I love my wife. She is the only woman I have ever loved and the only one I can ever imagine loving. I don’t want to be divorced next week. I want to go to her and ask again for another chance, but I know she doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t believe our marriage can ever change. I hate marriage forums, actually. I think sometimes they did my wife more harm than good. But I am kind of out of ideas.
Sorry that you find yourself here, but we'll see what we can do to help you out.
You keep mentioning the same issues coming up over and over again. What were they?
I get the idea that you 'hate' marriage forums. But it's about time you got real. Obviously what you were doing isn't working. This is a great resource to get your W back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I didn't want to offend anyone. It's just that my wife shared a lot of details about our marriage on a couple of forums.
As I sad, she is affectionate and has a need for sex. I know most men apparently think about sex all the time. I don't. I'm not gay (she has wondered that more than once). It just isn't important to me. I told her that if she has a need that she should let me know and I wold try to meet her need. I know that was one of the issues that frustrated her before her affair. She grew up in a house with parents who gave her a lot of encouragement and admiration. I grew up in a house where you knew things were fine as long as my parents didn't complain or correct me. I am just not the kind to give a lot of verbal praise. I did try, and at times I really thought things were improving.
She talked a lot of about feeling invisible. She sometimes got very angry about the lack of physical in our marriage. I know it made her feel unattractive, though that was never an issue. After she told me about the affair, we did a lot of work. According to her, once things got okay after the affair, our marriage went back to just existing like room mates.
I want to be what she needs. I am not sure I can be. She said she wanted me to take charge and not ask her what to do all the time. But she is the one who knows what she needs. Now I am sitting here a week away from losing my wife for good. If there is anything I can do, I want to do it.
I know there is a delay in the posts. However, I have planned something tomorrow that I hope isn't a mistake. I can't just sit by until court next week, so I asked my wife to lunch tomorrow. I want to tell her about some of the things I have realized and ask if she will consider giving me some time. I have no idea if it will make a difference, but I am running out of time. I can't sit and watch television all weekend knowing what is coming.
OK, I am going to post one more time and then give it a rest until tomorrow. I went to lunch with my wife, a written plan and goals in hand. I think she was shocked. She said she needed to think about what I said. I am trying to breathe and remind myself that TUESDAY (yes, this TUESDAY) is still a few days away.
I am trying not to become agitated, but I feel a bit frustrated.
Based on your previous posts, it really does seem like while you want your M, you don't want to put the effort into it, or at least hadn't wanted to in the past.
Your W has actually told you what she needs and wants and yet for some reason, you don't put the effort into it. She wants physical love and affection for example. Well if you're not interested in giving it to her, then another guy will. If you want your M to survive, you better learn how to get your mojo back.
She told you that she feels invisible. You said you tried complimenting her and then stopped over time. That's just plain being lazy. If you don't want her to leave, compliment her. Tell her how much brighter your day seems with her in it. She wants validation that she matters. That's why she goes to the forums. She wants to know that she has worth because you have (from your lack of attention) made her feel worthless.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not, read them.
In terms of the habits like complimenting her, etc. You keep that up on a regular basis and it will become a good habit where you won't even notice you putting any effort into.
If you have issues with the bedroom, go to sex therapy or read about ways to pleasure your W physically.
Your situation is so fixable it's laughable.
But detail what you wrote to her here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Based on your previous posts, it really does seem like while you want your M, you don't want to put the effort into it, or at least hadn't wanted to in the past.
Your W has actually told you what she needs and wants and yet for some reason, you don't put the effort into it. She wants physical love and affection for example. Well if you're not interested in giving it to her, then another guy will. If you want your M to survive, you better learn how to get your mojo back.
She told you that she feels invisible. You said you tried complimenting her and then stopped over time. That's just plain being lazy. If you don't want her to leave, compliment her. Tell her how much brighter your day seems with her in it. She wants validation that she matters. That's why she goes to the forums. She wants to know that she has worth because you have (from your lack of attention) made her feel worthless.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not, read them.
In terms of the habits like complimenting her, etc. You keep that up on a regular basis and it will become a good habit where you won't even notice you putting any effort into.
If you have issues with the bedroom, go to sex therapy or read about ways to pleasure your W physically.
Your situation is so fixable it's laughable.
But detail what you wrote to her here.
True,
His problems are easy, and he is going to be alot happier if he does what he's supposed to. A really selfish person would not even realize how much spending that small amount of time and effort would benefit even themself.
She wants me to be "proactive," as she calls it. So I asked her to fill out the love language survey (from the 5 love languages) and the emotional needs questionaire. I have been reading here too. She complained before that she had to tell me everything to do instead of me taking the initiative, so I want to KNOW how she needs her needs met. For a few years she has wanted me to get my testosterone tested. I have type I diabetes and just figured that my libido and things were going down from the disease. It makes me self-conscious, so I know I have held back in that area. I finally did get it tested, and it turns out she was right. It is pretty low. I am getting medicine for that. Since she was the one with the high drive and I just don't think about it, I expected her to be the one to ask or initiate. I realize now how unattractive that probably made her feel. She grew up with parents who almost seemed to have a fairy tale marriage. My parents love each other too, but they were just more practical and didn't really do the romance thing.
We have had our problems, but I see now how hard she tried, and I just let stress and work and school get in the way. She checked with her attorney today and said she was willing to wait 90 days and then revisit. She also told me that postponing isn't a promise or anything. She wasn't rude or anything, but I can tell she doesn't really feel anything and that she doesn't trust me. I know she worries that I will work hard for a little while and then go back to being passive.
So I know that at least I will be married for 3 more months. I want to make the most of it.
