Agreed! It's like it's the last missing puzzle piece to your whole situation.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
W has recently just starting spent time at my house. It isn't me inviting her, she just stops by.
My Ds enjoy it a lot so I'm torn. We have always said we wouldn't stand in the way of each other spending time with the Ds, so I will not tell her she can't come over. This week at work she came by twice to have lunch with me.
On a side note, I finally got a new (to me) car.
I got a flat on my spare so I was stuck trying to find a used tire as I didn't want to spend money on a car I was going to dump in a few months. All the used places were closed so I finally had to goto Walmart and get a $55 tire which became over $70 when everything was added.
The very next day, the radiator goes out. Steam is spewing from the engine. Just what I need, to pour more money into something I didn't want.
W said I needed to get a new car. I said we can go look and she took me to the dealer. I expected to not be able to get anything because finances were so bad in 2011. But I wanted to know what I would need to do in the next few months to get a car.
Picked out a nice car just to see what they said. It was actually under my budget so I got it on the spot. A nice, sporty BMW. Working AC. Working radio. 4 doors to make it easier to get the Ds in and out. Boy was the W jealous! She has always wanted one.
This was a total 180 for me as in the past, I would have picked a sensible car that got good gas mileage with no extras. It felt nice to reward myself. It felt nice to think about me instead of making all my decisions based on what I thought was best for others.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
W has recently just starting spent time at my house. It isn't me inviting her, she just stops by.
My Ds enjoy it a lot so I'm torn. We have always said we wouldn't stand in the way of each other spending time with the Ds, so I will not tell her she can't come over. This week at work she came by twice to have lunch with me.
She is coming over unexpectedly uninvited and unannounced?
She thinks she owns your privacy.
One day when you are ready for female companionship you will understand how that does not work.
Picked out a nice car just to see what they said. It was actually under my budget so I got it on the spot. A nice, sporty BMW. Working AC. Working radio. 4 doors to make it easier to get the Ds in and out. Boy was the W jealous! She has always wanted one.
Good.
Next time she pops in leave 2 dirty wine glasses in the kitchen sink.
I can't describe how I am feeling right now. Am I done? Am I just tired of the entire situation?
W spends most nights at my house. Not really showing up unexpected, but just being there when I get home or if she picks up the Ds from daycare.
We have had some talks. She says she is confused. She says not to force anything, etc. I hit a sensitive spot with her last week during one of these little talks. I basically said once I move on, I have moved on. I have never dated someone, dated someone else and then went back. She quickly told me to stop saying that.
I said that we should not see each other for a while. Either she is going to miss me and want to be with me or she isn't. She said she has been thinking the same thing. Pretty much how I feel right now. Reminds me of a George Strait song:
Says she's had enough of me, I've had enough of her too. I might as well go on and set her free, she's already turned me loose. No fault, no blame, nobody done no wrong- That's just the way it sometimes goes. Sometimes two people just don't get along, it's time to hit the road.
Goodbye, farewell, so long, vaya Con Dios. Good luck, wish you well, take it slow. Easy come girl, easy go.
We tried to work it out a hundred times, ninety- nine it didn't work. I think it's best we put it all behind before we wind up getting hurt. No hard feelings darling, no regrets, No tears and no broken hearts. Call it quits, calling off all bets, it just wasn't in the cards.
Pretty much how I feel now. I am indifferent either way. I just want it over.
W makes some comments or what she thinks are threats about staying at her own place. I just shrug it off and say ok. She has never left to go to her own place.
She is holding on to this idea that we will always be friends. I told her that wasn't going to happen, at least not right away, maybe in a few years. I asked her how do you think I am going to feel the day you tell me about a guy she wants to date? I said I don't appreciate being your friend right now because you don't have anything better to do. I deserve better. She said she wouldn't do that. That is when I said it is time to stop hanging out.
Indifference.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Update on advice in this thread. (No offense if I left you out, but these are the items I feel most pressing to respond to):
JKS Both of our answers, I believe, is to detach. Both of our spouses would recognize the loss that they are having to face and they would have to step up to the plate and take action... one way or the other. Right now, we're both just waiting in the sidelines for them to make a decision but how is that fair?
I feel I have detached. I am doing great at work and they are already making plans to promote me to a high level position. I am getting great feedback at work.
I am no longer waiting on her decision. I have decided that I cannot continue on our current path. With D5 starting school on Monday, we have adjusted our visitation schedule and will be going back to a schedule instead of spending most of our time together at night. I need to get back to having "my time". I have put 5lbs back on because my workout schedule and diet have gone to crap since W starting spending more time with me.
VEROPRADO If you feel crappy after your trips with W cuz she's with OM then set it as a boundary. Say, I would love to go on another trip with you (wherever you'd like wink after you have ended your relationship with OM.
Boundary is set. She wants to be friends and try to see if the spark is still there with me. She says not to force it. I said I am not going to be the person she hangs out with until she finds another OM. I deserve better.
As stated above, we are going to end the sleepovers.
STARSKY To each his own, but I personally would never live in an open marriage. Once you know (about the affair), and your wife KNOWS that you know, the marital dynamic is VERY destructive, in my opinion, from that point forward. Because it saps away at YOUR self-respect and emotional health, and your wife -- I can assure you -- is rapidly losing attraction for a man who would just passively allow her to cheat on him. And since women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely to their feelings of "respect," I would contend that she is even losing love for you with your "well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well just be nice her to her" attitude.
Yep -- good. And for gosh sakes, DON'T say something like "it just hurts too much." It's not attractive. Instead say "it's disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family," or simply "this isn't working for me anymore."
I let her know how I deserve better and how it is disrespectful to me.
OM has been gone since our trip. W doesn't talk to OM's mother either. She talked to me about getting her hair done. In the past OM's mother did her hair. She told me the other day "Don't worry, she is not doing my hair anymore."
VERA BE FIERCE "You know, W, it's been really great spending time with you recently. But [your boundary discussion goes here]."
HOLLYANN And you need to take some pretty STRONG actions of your own. You don't have to be a dick about it, just calmly state that this is not working for you; you will not be in this marriage as long as there is a third party polluting it.
See above. This is done. The third party is gone.
POOKIE69 "W, being friends with you does not work for me right now. You fired me as your husband. I choose not to be friends with someone who disrespected me that way. Maintaining that status quo is not healthy for me."
I have stated this many times. I told her I have no intentions of being her friend. I told her that I cannot move on while being her friend.
CHATTERBUG 407 you see. It is up to your wife to end it with OM. It is up to your wife to start telling the truth. It is up to your wife to want to repair the marriage. It is up to your wife to acknowledge and own her issues.
It is up to you to come to grips with the betrayal. it is up to you to determine and set your boundaries. It is up to you to figure out why you let this happen to you. It is up to you to build your self esteem. It is up to you to determine what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.
"Wife, I have thought deeply about these past few months. I have owned and worked on my issues. I am now at a point where I am mentally strong and able to enforce my non-negotiable boundaries. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me.
I am moving on from this point. With you or with out you. I know I will be fine either way."
"Wife. I will believe what you say when you have consistently shown that you are telling the truth. At this time you have shown through your actions that you will lie. "
You know the primary goal here is to do the following.
1. Break the Affair. 2. Improve yourself. 3. Start a new relationship where you both work at it.
You are heading down a path where either you live in limbo for years or get back together with her in control and history repeats and she bids her time for a clean financial backing break from you.
Affair is over.
I have made tremendous improvements to myself. My appearance, finances and self-esteem are greatly improved.
The last item is the tricky one: Start a new relationship where you both work at it.
Am I currently on this one? My W wants to spend time with me. My W knows what I want. My W knows that if she spends time with me, I am expecting things to go down a certain path. I refuse to be the gay-friend. Her response is that she is trying and not to force the physical part.
This past Sunday was D5's birthday party with her family. After the party we talked. I told her that I have made a lot of changes in my life based on the mistakes I made in our M. She acknowledged my changes and told me that I was fine as I was, I didn't need to make any more changes. I was a good person.
At this point, we are moving to time apart.
I guess I need to know what your definition of her working on the marriage?
I am a happier person. My friends have commented that I sound a lot better when I talk to them on the phone. I talked to my best friend for the first time since my trip with the W. He was surprised that I didn't bring up the W to him at all because that has been the bulk of our conversations. I no longer reach out to others for advice or support. I used to be on this forum all day, but now just check in occasionally on others.
Losing my W and M aren't the end of the world. I know this now.
My anniversary is in a few days. Don't think i will even bring it up.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Do not let her back easy. She has to earn it. Read up on false recovery.
You must keep in mind that
1. She has no income. 2. She lost her job. 3. You got a new job , raise , flashy car.
Do not underestimate her here. You are in the land of 407 you both know if she sticks it out for 5 more years.... You Pay her for life when she pulls her next OM out of the hat.
DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND THINK. NO MY WIFE WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
Cause that got you where you are today.
This is reality my friend. And it could happen.
So if your wife wants to come back and work on it. Let her work hard at it. Let her offer what she thinks she needs to get back in the marriage.
Then Tell her what she really needs to do.
You have improved yourself. You are working on your issues.
What has she done besides cheat get dumped and become unemployed???
You were the option. And she needs to tag you to get that option back.
So do not be the option.
Be the one.
For if she wants to be your wife and best friend and lover.
She will work at it.
I would at minimal ask for
Full transparency. All the details ( go as in-depth as you need here or surface ) of the affair. Proof of no contact. What will happen if contact happens. Full AIDS, STD testing and results. Her getting a full time job. MC with a pro MC who knows about affairs and does not excuse them away. Ownership on the Affair. (Possible post nup for both of you if one of you has an affair )
Communication.
If its going to be a list of I do not like this about you... and you agree to that.... then come up with your list....
The anniversary. Yea. Just leave it.
If she calls and says anything. Just say. Under the circumstances of the past few months and your actions I decided that I would not celebrate it this year. I hope you can understand that.
Push it back.
And then keep moving forward. Keep repairing yourself and improving yourself.
If she wants you she will work hard to gain your trust , love , commitment and friendship. You will be able to tell when her actions match her words.
Do not let her back in first try.
Let her figure out she needs to work on her issues to make herself some one worthy of being married to.
Which at this point in her life I would say she is not marriage material.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
