Update: So after W spent the night last Thursday (7/12), we have been spending a lot of time together as a family. There have been zero "dates". I am not pursuing on that end and have cut out any attempts on contact (holding, quick kisses, etc).
After that Thursday, the W spent the night at my place a few more times. Each night has been D3/D4 sleeping with us in the bed, falling asleep to a movie. I give her space in the bed.
It feels like it was pre-bomb. We spend our days together and then at night we separate. She has invited me to stay at her place when I visit on her days with the Ds, but I always decline. I am not inviting her to come over when she stays the night at my place. We have always said we wouldn't stand in the way of the other spending time with our Ds, so I won't tell her she can't come over.
We are spending more time together and it isn't because of "dates" or "events".
One note of interest: This weekend, I showed my W and Ds my new work location/office. W was on my computer at work and saw the folder I had with all the D paperwork filled out. I quickly dismissed it when she brought it up. I guess she didn't know how close I was to actually filing until she saw it all filled out.
She also went through my desk out of curiosity and saw another card I had address to send her but never sent. She wanted to open it and read it, I asked her not to as it wasn't a good card. It was from when I wasn't doing well. It made me look weak. When I got into work this morning, I couldn't find the card and called her about it. She took it. I asked her not to read it. She again asked why. I can't really remember what was said in the card, but know it made me look like a wuss. She said she would not open it. She really liked the first card I sent her and is sentimental like that when it comes to cards.
Not sure what my mood/attitude is right now. Acceptance? I am not overly excited when she stays over. Maybe I am defeated at the lack of affection. But then I am happy with the increase in visits.
My new job started as I am now a full-time employee with the increased pay. Can't wait until those checks start coming in because I will be doing a lot of shopping.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I am not supposed to ask but as far as I know, he is gone. I could snoop and check the phone records, but I don't want to do that. She told her friend she has no intentions of contacting him.
We have been together or she has been with the Ds every night since we got back from our trip. She hasn't been around him or his mother during this time.
She keeps saying we are just friends. I remind her that I don't want to be just friends. She responds that we are best friends.
Last night I stopped by her apartment after work to have dinner with the W and Ds. We watched some TV and I got up to leave. She said I could stay longer, but I declined. I just felt like going home to my place.
Maybe I am just getting tired of this entire situation. In the beginning, all I wanted was to spend time with my W again and have fun. That is happening right now, but there is no physical contact. It is beating me down. Part of me just thinks it is time to move on. We are friendly, we are great co-parents. Our kids are going fine.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
CB is right don’t forget the OM. Don’t punish either. Be the better man the better alternative as he may very well be circling just beyond the fringe. Was the bloom off the rose? Drive it off.
Perhaps it is just my perception, it perceive compliancy in your last post, an acceptance. I have not followed from the beginning, but I imagine your sitch is better than it was.
There have to be steps to the end goal, often so small as to be overlooked. I imagine friendship is better and a step in the right direction. While we cannot let best get in the way of better we do want to get to best eventually.
This is not an incitement to pursue. Quite the opposite I think she should pursue. After all you are the best, most valuable partner and you deserve the best.
What attracted her to you in the beginning? What attracts her now? To borrow a phrase, How do you get your mojo working?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
W called me and asked if I wanted to goto lunch today. When seated in the booth, I played around and said I was going to sit next to her because friends don't sit next to each other, friends sit across. She said that was fine but it is easier to talk when across.
She mentioned at lunch she hasn't talked to OM or OM mama in weeks.
We play/flirt a lot around the 'friend' thing. She reminds me that is how it was when we first dated ten years ago. She said friends, I said I had enough friends.
What do I really want in a relationship?
My W as my best friend is the most important. But I also want the intimacy, the physical touch. Take what I have with my W right now and add in intimacy and I am happy. We talk and do so many things now. Things we talked about doing but never did.
If that is not an option, I return to the original question: What do you want? How are you planning on getting it and can or will your wife ever be the answer?
My plan is to continue to lead my life as I am now. I GAL when I can. I am refurnishing my home from the W taking what she wanted when she moved. I am just going to be someone only a fool would leave. I have filled the voids where I depended on my W and Ds for happiness.
To justify what she did, the W built up some huge walls. Hopefully my path will break down those walls so my W can see what she is missing before it is too late and I move on.
My greatest fear is that she will only see me as a friend from here on out. A day where she gets so comfortable in friendship that she has no problem talking about her wanting to date other people because she no longer sees me that way. This will of course kill the friendship as I will need to distance myself.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
If I step out of line? That would assume that I am living my life according to her rules, which I am not.
I am living my life, for me and my Ds. While it is nice to have the W around a lot more, that isn't changing how I live my life. I am in a transition phase right now when I can start to rebuild. I concentrated on me with the working out, new clothes, new attitude for the last couple of months. Now I am furnishing my surroundings (new bedroom set, new items for the house, new pictures, new car, etc).
If my W is done with me and no longer sees me as a romantic interest/partner, so be it. It's time to move on.
But to say my life revolves around what I think she thinks of me, is borderline insulting. To say she will go with another OM if I step out of line is insulting.
The improvements I made were for me. I learned a long time ago not to change who you are for someone else.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
To justify what she did, the W built up some huge walls. Hopefully my path will break down those walls so my W can see what she is missing before it is too late and I move on.
My greatest fear is that she will only see me as a friend from here on out. A day where she gets so comfortable in friendship that she has no problem talking about her wanting to date other people because she no longer sees me that way. This will of course kill the friendship as I will need to distance myself.
Your feelings and fear is not consistent with your words (and lack of action) of moving forward.
If you truly want her to follow, you need to lead and stop worrying about her thoughts and stop mind reading her.
You already started taking care of yourself physically and financially. It's time to continue that path and take care of yourself emotionally and mentally.
Stop hovering around her and act according to your words.
Let her go.
"W, being friends with you does not work for me right now. You fired me as your husband. I choose not to be friends with someone who disrespected me that way. Maintaining that status quo is not healthy for me."
Then go to dinner with your kids without inviting her.
