"Why would she seem so improved when just a week ago she put all of the paperwork together?"
Sometimes people do things just to see if they can do them. It may have been a measuring stick for her. Maybe she wanted to see how it felt to fill out the paperwork. But, we will never know how she felt so you need to just ignore it.
Have you filled out D paperwork? I did and it wasn't easy emotionally.
She could have friends/family pushing her to file. I have a lot of friends who told me to file. Sometimes when we are confused we just go with the flow until we gain control again.
My advice is to not dwell on the fact she has filled out paperwork. It could be her own protection mechanism.
Live for you right now. Continue to GAL and become the person only a fool would leave. You can't and don't want to control her, so control what you can which is you.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I agree with Cadet. LRT and do not confront. Confrontation will only serve to escalate the negatives at a time when you should be seeking to reduce the negative.
As for consulting with a L. Do you know what your rights are in your state?
Knowing what your rights are and having some idea of how a D may proceed should it come to that permits one to let go of most of that worry. You’ve got enough other turmoil to deal with. Reducing negatives is for you also.
She does not need to know you have consulted. Telling her would only escalate the negative. Any L you speak with will wish to know what those papers contain. Most L’s in my experience will consult the first time “˝ hour or so” at no charge.
From my journal:
LBS creed - I can handle anything thrown my way. I am responsible for my actions, thoughts and happiness. I will respect my WAS and let their problems be their problems. I am fun, confident, interesting and capable. I am attractive. I am interested in others well being. I choose to thrive regardless of my circumstance. I am a warrior.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just catching up on your thread...she is certainly confused. But don't confront I know you want to, but you have to ask yourself "is this going to get me closer to my goal?" or "is this going to get me closer to the person I want to be?" When I was hurting I said so much that was counter productive because I wanted to lash out or get it out or something!!! And I so wish I had exercised my self restraint.
Do you own thing, don't always be around for the checking in and let her miss you! Look great, be mysterious.
oh and one other thing the her suddenly not having feelings for you and it beginning a long time ago, her and your feelings on the problems in your M will change a million times over. When you're in pain you see it one way and when you've walked away you see it in a way that lets you feel the least amount of guilt, and later with regret you might see it differently. Don't believe ANYTHING she says about your M. Pretend she's murmuring in her sleep or in the midst of a high fever ignore it. She's talking nonsense!
Thanks again for the replies and advice. Have to admit, I was there ready to go at it even at midnight, but I let my cooler self prevail and I'm glad I did. I will not confront her on this, nor will I tell her when I consult with a lawyer. Well put in that we are looking for positives here.
I'm just hoping that knowing that paperwork is out there won't eat at me. I know, GAL, do fun things for yourself, and let that other stuff fade to the background.
While I have looked up my rights within my state, I still think a free consult that I've set up is a good idea anyway. I have some specific questions to my own personal situation, so at least I can be informed. Perhaps it might even help with dealing with her paperwork.
Funny thing - since she received all of the forms she has been quite nice. Recall above that since that day she had sent me a nice text stating that she missed talking to me. She has been more affectionate, and before she left for the shore even stated "Don't worry, I still want to work on this". We'll see if this continues and if she agrees to go back to MC after bailing on me last week. However, might it be that seeing the totality of the paperwork and the finality it brought that she had a bit of a shift back in my direction?
Trying to be "glass-half-full".
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
JS, Thanks for the Great quote - It's good for all of us to remember & stick with the basics. "I can handle anything thrown my way. I am responsible for my actions, thoughts and happiness. I will respect my WAS and let their problems be their problems. I am fun, confident, interesting and capable. I am attractive. I am interested in others well being. I choose to thrive regardless of my circumstance. I am a warrior."
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
By way of a quick update, wife called from the shore where she is taking some time with our kids and our niece. She first called last night and could not have been more neutral - as if she was speaking with a telemarketer rather than her husband. But I took heart in the 'system' here and did not let that get to me. I was positive, told her I thought it was great that she was having a good time with the kids and getting good weather, and that I was fine here at home doing my own stuff. She did not stay on for long and said she had to go and said goodnight.
Now, I realize that I should have been the one to leave first, but she really just beat me to the punch. In the past I would have asked "what's wrong, you sound strange" or "why are you leaving so soon we've barely had time to speak". Yeah, in other words I would not have helped my cause at all and likely would have done harm. Glad I did not do that.
Then she called earlier this morning and the difference in her was amazing. Almost weird amazing, but I'm trying not to look into it too much. She was happy and said that she and kids missed me and we discussed when they were possibly going to be heading back. Once again, I very positively reinforced that it was good for all of them, and at home I was fine and doing plenty to keep busy and having fun. I did say it was too bad I was not getting a chance to see the kids enjoy the ocean and encouraged her to take some pics, to which she replied that we would all come down again soon as a group. That made me feel good to hear.
I guess I'm not a perfect DB-er here. The standard play might have been to remain a bit more aloof or possibly skip the call altogether and call her back saying I was tied up or something. Certainly went against the 'rules' by saying that I'm sorry I was missing part of it. But, you know, I just went with my instinct and in a small way wanted her to know that I'm still connected even though I've been doing more of my own thing lately. I have felt over the past week or so that SHE has been connecting with me more - that maybe she is turning around and contemplating a move toward rebuilding. Am I jeopardizing things if I, every so often, give her a very subtle "ping" to let her know that there is still a "me" that she can strive for? I'm almost afraid that by being too much in the dark and detaching so fully that she might read that as my way of saying "I'm done" and she should not bother with her own move in my direction...
I realize some of the rules go very counter to established logic or typical relationship mannerisms, but every situation must also be different and certain rules could be tweaked to meet specific instances...
Love to hear some thoughts.
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
IMO you are still treating DB as a set of tactical tools to affect the outcome you desire. I will not belabor this as it is your decision how you proceed.
Each sitch is different and this one is yours. You know it best. We only know what is posted here.
Did you break the rules? Who cares! Results matter, following the rules does not. Shifting to Capt. Barbossa’s voice “They’re more like guidelines really”.
I am not suggesting abandoning the “rules” just that results matter more. Sandi’s sig includes do what works.
During one of my coaching session I was encouraged to dial the tension down and encourage a pleasant exchange. Find a way to provide an environment where each of you can experience some pleasant time together.
Quote:
I did say it was too bad I was not getting a chance to see the kids enjoy the ocean and encouraged her to take some pics
So you lamented not being able to spend time with your children during an enjoyable moment and asked her to document their joy. What is wrong with that? It provides her an opportunity to further realize how much fun her children are having and by extension she is also. It provides an opportunity to relive an enjoyable moment while reviewing the photos.
Now do not pressure to see the photos. Let that happen naturally and if it doesn’t do not permit it to bother you- no expectations. She is not responsible for your happiness and you are not responsible for hers.
I suggest that you stop focusing upon what her tone may mean. It is very good that you managed to get past that and be upbeat and pleasant.
Baby steps, small pleasant exchanges nurturing small improvements. No pressure, no expectations. Embrace the changes this journey brings.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just wanted to agree that you shouldn't use the rules or DB'ing "techniques" as a game you play to get someone back. A lot of the rules are to stop you from screwing up the situation. LOL. It's when people are in the panicky my world is falling apart mode and need the rules so they don't drive past thier W/H's house 20 times a night, drop off cupcakes, show up in a trench coat and nothing else, burn all their W/H's clothes. LOL any of the above or just sending 10 text messages a day and calling to say "I missed your voice"
It's to give them the appearance of a normal functioning person until you become one again. LOL My sister once said of her ex I get these moments where I really miss them but then remember what a psycho they are. So there you go her ex was a psycho during the split and even though my sis was now remembering happy times the damage during separation meant she would never go back.
Your W may not have known what to expect when she called you, you were happy, upbeat, and supportive. The next day she responded in kind. It's difficult to understand that they are just as wary of us as we are of them. When you give out positive happy fun vibes it gets returned.
