Its been about a week and a half since NLW's last thread was locked and that she posted. I know that DB'ers take breaks from the boards from time to time (I did when times were tough for me, as well), but her last post made me worry.
[/b]"Hi ncl, thanks for checking. I'm buried under a pile of lumber and feel like it's a good place to hide."[b]
NLW, if you're out there, I just wanted you to know you've been on my mind and heart. There are many people here on the boards, as well as in your personal life, who care greatly about you and want the best for you. When you have a chance, let us know how you and your kids are doing.
Hi ncl, she did post on the bootcamp thread on 26 June if that helps...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am working to get the financial sitch sorted out but it is so very complicated.
And things keep going wrong. The old car that H left for us to drive broke down last week. Luckily the kids are on holidays and so I don't need to drive them to school.
I can't cover the latest mortgage instalment and neither can H. I have $30 left on my credit card and two weeks before my next pay cheque. Luckily I have been stocking the pantry and freezer with 'bargains' in the last few months in preparation for this time.
I'm just sort of living day-to-day at the moment. H has advised that I should be hearing from his lawyer soon, so I am waiting to see what this will involve and then will go to my lawyer to respond (not that I'll be able to pay a lawyer!).
I don't want to sound like I'm in victim mode, because I am ok. I'm just sort of very much in my head at the moment as I try to work out the best way of moving forward in this very complicated financial situation.
I have to do the best I can to keep the house and the kids in school. I know everyone says go straight to a lawyer and make H pay, but in my sitch this just won't work.
I understand that many here will think that I am hopeless and that may be true, but I am fighting to keep our heads above water in the best way I can at the moment.
H has come around to being nice again and appears open to helping where he can. Right now that is the only option I have to save the house.
I am still coming to the boards but realise that posting on my sitch seems a bit useless when people think I can't see the obvious solution to my financial woes.
I'm so glad you checked in with us. I've been worried about you.
I'm so very sorry for the situation you are in. Number one: I do not think you are in victim mode. I know you are a strong, smart, capable and loving woman and mother and that you will do whatever is necessary to support your children and give them the best life possible. I know you've had to depend on your parents and inlaws in the past during difficult financial times. Is this still a possibility in the case you need it?
Second, PLEASE keep posting, if for any reason your own sanity. I know in my case it was helpful to me to come here and just dump my emotions at times. I don't believe you will find judgment here and certainly that people do not find you "hopeless"; at least I do not! If anyone understands doing what you have to do to keep your head above water, it is me. I think you are strong for what you are doing, and I'm so grateful your children have you to depend on.
So let's talk solutions... what does your husband say about the car being broken down? Is this something that can be fixed for a reasonable price once you and/or he are paid again? If not, and in the meantime, is he willing to share his vehicle with you for getting to your job and grocery shopping, etc? If not, do one of your parents have a vehicle you can borrow?
Secondly...the mortgage....are you behind terribly or just one month? Are there programs in your country that allow you a bit of wiggle room while times are tough? Do you see yourself getting caught back up and able to maintain the mortgage? If not, how do you feel about putting the house on the market? Or, do you have a room you can rent out? Even if this is something you dread, would that make things better for your sitch as it is today? When my husband left me (and we were not in the best of financial situations either), we had no choice but to put the house on the market. It broke my heart in a million pieces because we built our home as our dream home, but I knew in my heart that I was willing to do whatever it was to take care of my children in the best possible way. Our home didn't sell (the market in the US stinks, in case you haven't heard!), and just this past month, my husband decided to take it off the market! The point is: do what you have to do for now, and worry about things as they come. Maybe the house will sell and you can move to what turns out to be a better place for you and the kids; maybe your husband will come back and you will reconcile and you won't have to worry with it. Whatever happens in time, you WILL be able to deal with it. I have complete faith in you!
Keep talking to us, and let us know what's going on. We are here for you....
NLW please don't ever ever think you are thought of as a victim or hopeless. Even though we have such similar situations, the finer details differ so we just have to keep going until the right solutions for YOU are found.
Please keep posting. We need you too. You were one of the first to post on my thread and you have since been someone I feel connected with.
You have cat and ncl giving you invaluable solution oriented advice and the rest of us have your back.
Stay beautiful and strong
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi ncl. Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to make some good suggestions to help me. I just wanted to reply specifically to your qus so that you don't think I'm not listening!
I know you've had to depend on your parents and inlaws in the past during difficult financial times. Is this still a possibility in the case you need it?
Yes, this is something that I am really grateful for. My parents, in particular, are always ready to help me. My mum came through with the shortfall on my mortgage payment this week. I feel like such a child (at 53yo, and a senior professional!) having to ask for help like this, though.
So let's talk solutions... what does your husband say about the car being broken down?
Initially my H said I should leave the car on the side of the road for the council to come and clamp/tow it. I'm ashamed to say I ended up begging him to come help me out, as I had no phone charge left, it was late and dark, and I had no money for a taxi.
He turned up an hour later smelling like a brewery - I had interrupted a drinking session at a bar. He said he'd drive me home and when I asked what we would do with the car, he told me that I could either do it myself or leave it up to him but he wasn't going to discuss it.
Is this something that can be fixed for a reasonable price once you and/or he are paid again? If not, and in the meantime, is he willing to share his vehicle with you for getting to your job and grocery shopping, etc? If not, do one of your parents have a vehicle you can borrow?
I asked H how I should pick up D16 the next day and he said 'Send a taxi for her'. I also asked how I would do some food shopping the next day and he also said 'Take a cab'. He dropped me home and left.
But, next day, he went and collected D16 when she phoned him, and went grocery shopping for basic items that she said we needed on the way home. Go figure!
When he arrived at our home he reported that he'd taken the car in to be fixed. But he said I would need to buy a new (2nd-hand) car, and that he'd filled in all the paperwork as he'd seen one that was 'identical' to our 'good' car (BMW 5-series) and I should go in and get it because the price was good ($22,000).
I just about fell over - a 5-series in my financial circumstance! - but simply said that I didn't have the money. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane in all of this - i.e., Did he really just suggest that? Just wanted to tell it here.
He later returned to our house to say that repairing the old car would cost around $2,500. I didn't ask how we would pay but the car is in his name so I won't be liable for the bill.
The car has been gone for 4 days now and I've been using my parents' car to ferry the kids around, etc. My 85yo mother has been using the bus to do her own grocery shopping in the meantime. I feel sick to my stomach...
Secondly...the mortgage....are you behind terribly or just one month? Are there programs in your country that allow you a bit of wiggle room while times are tough? Do you see yourself getting caught back up and able to maintain the mortgage? If not, how do you feel about putting the house on the market? Or, do you have a room you can rent out? Whatever happens in time, you WILL be able to deal with it. I have complete faith in you!
I am scraping by so far, month by month, but have now reached the point of $0 to live on until my next pay cheque (2 weeks away). I can get a hardship variance, but the implications for credit rating, long-term costs, etc, are serious.
I can't sell the house as I had to take out a new mortgage only about 12 months ago to cover H's spiralling credit card debt and there is no equity in the house. If I sold, we would not be able to buy anywhere else. And there is no room to rent. So, a bit of a bind.
But, you are right, whatever happens, I will deal with it. I am absolutely convinced I'm going to get through this and into better times, one way or another. I may be only peeking out from under a pile of stuff at the moment, but I'm gathering my strength and thinking things through; strategising and weighing up my alts.
It helps a great deal to know that you have faith in me and will always offer support.
