how much is too much time and distance?

[any chance?]

Old threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...848#Post2178848
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...623#Post2161623
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...171#Post2155171
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...081#Post1979081
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...476#Post2206476
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2206603#Post2206603

Time to start a new thread, which I believe will allow me to clear my head.

My sitch has been going on for a long, long time, it seems. Kind of wondering if it will ever end. Not sure it will.

Brief update:
W and I got a legal seperation in late January 2012, after 2 years of confusion and emotional juggling. XW spent quite a while battling depression, and needed to both move out of state and to get a D in order to help herself move on. She is officially on a leave of absence from her job, and we got a legal seperation so I could keep her on my health insurance. XW moved out of state in August 2012, and has been gone 10 months now. She is not working, but will start a 4 month job in September. She has been spending quite a bit of time with her new boyfriend in yet another state.

She is only infrequently in contact. Not very good with text or emails. Her lack of communication is a universal complaint with all her friends, not just me.

XW came to visit in May, staying at our house for 10 days. We had a very good time, and she gave lots of comments like "seems so normal", "you are my best friend", "house is wonderful", 'second guess myself sometimes". Nothing physical, just comfortable closeness.

That was four weeks ago. Barely heard from her since. Maybe one brief text once a week. Hardly any contact.

I am doing my best to not have any expectations. I find this conflicting behavior very strange. Am I crazy?

All our friends comment on how she seems to be doing much better. She is almost off her AD medication, and is thinking much more clearly than she has in a very long time. Just wish I knew what those thoughts were......

[Valeska19]

I am doing my best to not have any expectations. I find this conflicting behavior very strange. Am I crazy?..

Not crazy but trying to answer the question "Why?"

And as much as you or I or an LBS desperately wants to know the answer....

... the truth is we may never know.

Let it go. Try to focus on you.

What did your w's trip teach you about yourself? Where you are emotionally? How do you want to act from this moment on?

I posted this on your last thread. Have you given any thought to question above?

[any chance?]

What did my W's trip teach me about myself? It taught me that I am fundamentally a good person, one who is kind and gentle and has taken the high road throughout this whole horrid ordeal. It taught me that my W seems to be going through a very long healing process, although I have no idea where she will end up after this process. It taught me that my W made a mistake in leaving me, and that nothing that happened between us justifies where we are now. I knew these things, but they have been reinforced now.

Emotionally, I was better. Now I can kind of a wreck. Guess the visit caused a set back, especially with the lack of contact following the visit. It just does not make sense.

How do I want to act? I want to move on with my life. In all honesty, I want my W back to move on with, but that is simply not going to happen. I have lost that. And I have to deal with it. And that saddens me very deeply.

Sorry to be down, I guess

[Valeska19]

I understand the sadness. And I can understand why you would be a wreck.

I have no doubt that I would be set back from that much interaction.

But you must continue to act as if. Do NOT let your w see this side of you. You need to stay strong.

If you must continue to "fake it" do so.. but I really hope that it starts to become real for you.

You deserve to be happy for "real"

I am glad all of the good things you have learned about yourself. My only 2x4 is in these sentences

It taught me that my W made a mistake in leaving me, and that nothing that happened between us justifies where we are now. I knew these things, but they have been reinforced now.

This is dangerous thinking and doesn't really serve any good purpose othan than to boost the ego.

Becareful that it doesn't cause resentment or anger. You may not have to agree with your w's choices, but these sentences don't validate HER feelings which regardless of right or wrong... she's allowed to have.

Hang in there. Take each day as it comes.

[any chance?]

Thanks, V.
Good point with the 2x4. What I meant was that the failure of our relationship was a mistake, with errors on both sides. But definately a mistake.

I need to focus on continuing to 'act as if'. That is a critical point. Thanks for reminding me.

I appreciate your input.

[gunny]

Hello Anychance,
Had a chance to catch up with your sitch. I don't know how I would have dealt with my w coming back to visit for 10 days and then leaving again, I can't help but think it would have been a retardant to my growth.

You have taken the high road, you have ended this chapter with your s in an honorable fashion. It remains to be seen how the next chapter will progress, but you have done everything you could do, and have not let your ego or anger guide your actions. You should feel proud of that. Have the courage of your convictions, when you look back on this in the future, you will know that you held your head high and continued on. Your s will one day appreciate the fact that you kept things civil, I have been told this by almost every woman I know how has been divorced. Things will get better!

[any chance?]

Update:

I seem to be struggling these days. It is unclear what direction xW is taking in the long run, so I maintain my pattern of offering support and taking the high road. She is off her AD meds, and is beginning to deal with life. She has a temporary position for 4 months this fall that will be good for her. As I mentioned in previous post, she came back to visit for 10 days in May, and wants to get together for a few days in June. No idea what this all means.

XW is on my mind quite a bit these days. I am feeling quite rejected and alone, and am not sure how to deal with it. I have been buried in my work, which is good and keeps me occupies, but solo times are very difficult. Self esteem is running at a pretty low ebb.

I know I should just take my friends advise and move on and forget about her. Ain't that easy, as you all know. So I plod along and try to keep moving forward. At some point this has to end. As Gunny says, "it remains to be seen how the next chapter will progress", but I am wondering how long this damn book is, anyway.

Thanks for listening. Feeling pretty isolated these days.

[Brit45]

just my take...but as a waw that took my H for granted during the split I'd say that she could be using you to help her get through the scary period of adjusting to being alone.

Getting to come "home" for a few days and have a closeness with you...even if it's just a very very close friendship gives her that feeling that she isn't just floating out there. She has that security of you, the familiar, the safety net.

I'm just saying me and H when I walked...we said we'd be best friends forever, we'd be one of those couples other people didn't understand, if we weren't married when we were 60 we'd retire where we always talked about, I could go on...and this plan worked great while I got to do what I wanted to do and then come home and make dinner with him, watch tv with him, go places with him. It didn't work so great when he decided that wouldn't be there how and when I wanted him.

Just food for thought....

[Valeska19]

AC,
My heart breaks for you. I know your rollercoaster well. I still live it.

Do you feel that the last trip has put you on this rollercoaster?

Do you feel that successful in not having expectations because of the trip?

Do you have any fears about if you told wife no?

Talk it through.. we are listening.

((( )))

[any chance?]

Brit:
Thanks for the perspective, but I do have a question for you. You say you used your H to help you through your time of being scared of being alone. I assume from your recent posts that you have decided you are happy with your decision to end the M. Was he just being a patsy during this time, or did you appreciate his being there for you? Perhaps I am being used, and my XW is only interacting with me for her benefit alone. I have never been clinging, or pleading, or given the impression that I am waiting for her. Do you suggest I just cut her off and get on with my life?