This forum was here for me when I really needed a place to vent and get good advice. I learned some hard lessons along the way - thought they might help someone one day, so here they are. Feel free to disagree.
My W and I are around 40, with three kids. A few might recall that when I started here I was dealing with a W who said she no longer had any respect for me, who made some big unilateral decisions about her career and our family, and who seemed on the verge of a EA with her new boss. Her complaints were that I had no confidence in myself, complained and whined too much, was no fun, and that she felt like she had to walk on eggshells because I would get mad about things she thought were no big deal. I wouldn't blame any of you who read my posts for agreeing with her. But at the time I would counter that my reaction was normal, that I was exhausted and felt manipulated into an overwhelming family situation and that her boss set off every alarm bell in my gut and her behavior with him was over the line. Here's how it turned out, and what I learned from it all. -SL
* Do not make promises in a R where one person gets what they want NOW and promises something big MUCH LATER. When that time comes, they are likely to see the promise as an annoyance, or worse. If you MUST, make sure you're both clear on the terms and, if you can manage it with a sense of humor, write it down, say in crayon or sealed with chewed gum....even then expect to re-negotiate it later.
* One partner is usually more accomodating. Be careful that this doesn't build resentment - it's poison for a R. Accomodating is NOT being nice if you resent it later. Holding to simple boundaries protect the more accomodating spouse.
* If you disagree about the number of children to have talk it out. If you still don't agree, assume your spouse has good reasons and settle on the lower number.
* Resentment, holding in strong feelings, and avoiding small conflicts that should be worked out leads to the spiral of stress, anxiety, and depression for one person. The other is unlikely to understand this, or want to "talk about the past" to fix the mess later on. AVOID the spiral!
* When we have anxiety we try to control things, to make sure they turn out well. Learned the hard way - go ahead and control yourself, but you can't control your spouse. The idea isn't to make them come back. It's that they WANT to come back - ironically to make this decision they first have to be free NOT to come back.
* The spiral also destroys confidence and, therefore, the attraction your spouse had for you. Faking confidence will not work in the long term. That's like planning to be spontaneous. You have to GET YOUR CONFIDENCE BACK. For yourself.
* Getting out of the spiral takes loads of effort and TIME. It's like a pilot getting an airplane out of a stall - you HAVE to make good, tough decisions. It's a lot of up and down. And for a while you'll see no progress, just the ground coming up at you.
* I had to learn during this that I could trust my gut about things not related to my R, other people and situations. But NOT about my W - I was too upset for that. For example, my gut told me immediately that my Ws boss was basically a wounded alpha male, that he overcompensated for this in part with alcohol, that his M was not meeting his needs, and that he sought out other women for this. I thought he lied pathologically, even about unimportant small stuff, to impress people. I was right. And my W came to see much of this. On the other hand, I'll never know what my W was thinking.
* Most of us have careers where we work closely with members of the oppsite sex. Having basic rules about your interactions, whatever they are, is a gift you can give not only to your spouse, but to yourself. Your reward is a happier and healthier M. Sorry, but I HATE the term "work spouse"!
