Knowledge is power and you mention emotional differences between H and yourself. I highly recommend the books by Pease that explain this. It was a profound view for myself.
The 37 rules are fantastic and you'll appreciate them more as things "click". The best of which help you to stop reminding H about the issues in your M. It's counter intuitive but will eventually make sense. Things such as asking H to read books or go to MC may remind him of the issues. This may suffocate him and not provide the space that he needs - it could push him further away.
You are right in starting to be hesitant for talking MIL and SIL. H could construe this as "using" his people against him. Even your own support network should be carefully selected as advice or opinion that is from a place of resentment is not constructive.
Also, check out MWD YouTube on the see saw.
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
I am devastated that he is not willing to go to counseling. He is firmly set in the idea that it's over.
I know I have read that it's still possible to turn things around at this point, but I can't see it happening. He is DEAD set on it. My mom is returning on Sunday with me so that we can pack up whatever stuff I want to take back here with me. He refuses to answer my calls or talk to me about the practical things. I'm sure my mom being there is not going to help, but I need the support from her right now.
He has no idea what he will do. Nor do I. I think that he has already moved on. He said that we're wasting our lives.
My husband's sister told me about the conversation that they had. He insisted that he cares about me very, very much and still loves me as a person. He knows he's hurting me to an unbearable level. But he feels that this is the best thing to do right now. He feels as if we're young enough to go our separate ways and still be able to have a life at some point. He thinks I'm a wonderful person, but he wants the best for me. I don't think this makes sense. The best thing for me, for US is to work this out. How does he think this is rational?
He said: She is a great person, and I care about her very, very much. But knowing how I feel and have felt for quite a long time, I need to do the right thing by both of us and make this decision, which hurts me greatly. I am not someone to show emotion, as you'd know, but I've cried night after night about this.
It's not like I don't know that it hurts her. But I truly only want the best for her. And sometimes the things that hurt the most are the right things to do.
Because just because you think somebody's a great person, it doesn't mean that you believe inside that it's meant to be. People change, and so do their feelings.
My husband's sister told me about the conversation that they had. He insisted that he cares about me very, very much and still loves me as a person. He knows he's hurting me to an unbearable level. But he feels that this is the best thing to do right now. He feels as if we're young enough to go our separate ways and still be able to have a life at some point. He thinks I'm a wonderful person, but he wants the best for me. I don't think this makes sense. The best thing for me, for US is to work this out. How does he think this is rational?
It makes sense in his head. That doesn't mean it makes sense in ours. My H said basically the same things.
You said above that he isn't answering your calls - why are you calling him? A main DB principle is to stop the pursuit - stop calling, texting, emailing unless it's an emergency. Give your H space to miss you, basically. It takes his focus off of you so he can (ideally) start to sort through the mess going on in his head.
I think I made a huge mistake. My parents told me to take the money I brought into the relationship (20k from an inheritance) and move it from our joint account into a personal account. I did, and he noticed, and he was pissed and told his mom. I moved it back, but I don't see why I should take this with me.
I haven't tried to speak with him today. I tried calling him yesterday because I felt like I needed an explanation for him not wanting to go to counseling.
I guess I will no longer continue to pursue him.
My mom is also coming back with me on Sunday. He is respectful to my mom, but I know he isn't thrilled on a good day in her presence. He won't like that she's there. But I feel like I need her to be there for me. I am planning things for every night next week so that I will be out and about, so that even if he wants to talk to me, he can't. I plan on cooking and cleaning a lot more, since he was not happy that he always did so much around the apartment. He didn't like that I was so dependent. I think it's all too little too late, but at least I can make small steps. Like I said, only 6 months remain until he moves back to Australia, and I may just move back to Arizona in the upcoming weeks, so there won't be a presence for him to notice any differences.
...and he had just told a mutual friend that he was so happy that things were working out. He said that we were being more open and honest with one another. Our sex life was fantastic. We were doing new things together. We were on an upswing, and I feel like he just didn't give it enough time to solidify. He keeps insisting he loves me, but he doesn't feel he has the same feelings for me (essentially, "ILYBINILWY") His entire family thinks he's being horrible towards me. I know we have issues, but nothing major. Everyone around me is convinced that he'll "change his mind" but there's no indication of that. He refused counseling because he didn't want to "lead me on." How is there hope there?
We were on an upswing, and I feel like he just didn't give it enough time to solidify. He keeps insisting he loves me, but he doesn't feel he has the same feelings for me (essentially, "ILYBINILWY")
Again, my H did/said the exact same thing, admitting that things had gotten better.
Have you read DB/DR from the library yet? The books will show you how you can have hope.
