from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

I am new to this site and look forward to sharing and growing with you. First off, I believe I have some valuable insight to offer: I have been in both positions of this ugly situation. Let me explain both scenarios...


(scenario 1)

We have been married 4 years and have 2 little girls. We weren't prefect, but man when the times were good they were soo good. (fast forwarding to the fall out) My H started being just so mean and cruel and once our lease was up, I got my own place. I knew he wanted me back, he told me, text me, called me, everything. I had no respect for him and treated him like crap, but he just kept on loving me. He would come over and make love to me whenever I wanted him to. I gave him just enough attention to keep my foot in the door. (I'm just being honest) I knew in my heart that I loved him, but I didn’t open my heart to him for several reasons

1) I wasn't forced to, he made it so easy just to enjoy him and then push him aside
2) his behavior let me have my cake and eat it too
3) I was selfishly enjoying all the desperate attempts he was making

That started in January. And you know what happened? By March he opened his heart to another woman. Granted she was married and was his boss, but he did it. That man did a 180 on me and omg it stung!!! Man it works, I'm telling you! He went from being my slave to please me to focusing on his own life and moving on. That got my attention so fast and it hurt. Before this I was so intent on moving forward with my life, I had even had several relationships during this time. For those of you who are intimidated by the "other" in your spouse's life, let me tell you this...

I was so sure that I could not spend another minute with my husband. I forgot everything good and focused on the bad. I rekindled a relationship from before hubby and I were married, and I fell back in love with this other man (Mark). I bragged about us to hubby all the time, but mostly as a way to hurt him and make him jealous. Mark and I even had matching tattoos that we designed together. It didn’t feel perfect, and we had our fights. I knew I was going to miss the person I was when I was with hubby, but I pushed it aside. I just focused on the newness of Mark and all of the exciting butterflies. But as soon as hubby did a 180, I dropped Mark like a hot coal. I even emailed Mark, telling him that I loved my hubby and also sent it to my hubby. So trust me guys, that "significant other", no matter how sure they seem, is really just a Band-Aid and a mental distraction. So now let's get to scenario #2....

(Scenario #2)
How funny life is that we have switched places. He is still so serious about his relationship with his OW (other woman). They are living as if they are married. (Her husband is in another state) My children's car seats are in her car, her stuff is in his shower, she loves him so much, blah blah blah..... sounds like what I had been saying months earlier. Him doing his 180 literally made me fall back in love with him. Where I had reasons to leave I now only have reasons to stay. Damn-it, love is tough, and so am I.

Reading DR helped tremendously, as well as reflecting on scenario #1. I have complete faith in my marriage, and appreciate this journey. If it weren't for this craziness I would not have fallen so in love with my husband, and I fully anticipate the same happening with him. If you look at people who have been married 50+ years, they will all tell you of hardships they have overcome. This is the stuff that strengthens marriages, not breaks them. Don't you dare listen to anyone who would tell you otherwise~just feel empathy that they are not as strong as you are.

In case anyone is wondering what I have been doing to handle scenario #2, here's a breakdown...

March 4th -walked in him & OW, flipped out and went psycho. BAD MOVE
March 16 -had sex together. who knew? But felt used afterwards
March 27 -sex again, yup, feeling desperate
April 1st -he is complementing and loving towards me
April 3rd -sent open heart email
April 4th -good phone call, did the letter work???
April 5th -it worked! Most amazing love making ever!!!
April 6th -yeah, didn't work. Saw them in the car together. Feel disgusted

Weeks go by, I'm not changing. Still crying, pleading, feeding his ego...

May 12 -went a while without contacting him. We meet and have sex. Man I gotta stop doing this! Lol
May 12 -he is aware that I'm moving forward with my life, have made some major personal changes

Decided no more "have your cake and eat it too" sex, no more reaching out and contacting him. Started 180

May 16 -he calls for no random reason. I'm happy and keep it short, end it first
May 20 -he texts me to say he's glad to see me so happy and is proud of me
May 20 -ok, he actually sent me several "small step" encouraging texts"
May 24 -calls me for something that didn’t deserve a phone call. Honestly think he just wanted to talk. I Kept it short.
May 24 -I contact him needing the girl's SSN for the divorce paperwork. Possible bad move, pissed him off! Lol but if he's so happy why would he push against the divorce? Um can't have your cake and eat it too buddy, I'm moving on with or without you...(no, I didn't say it, just thought it)
May 27 -he initiats text messgaes and calls me "wifey"
May 28 -our 4 yr anniversary. Pretending as if it's just another day...

So here we are. Thanks for sticking with me! Hopefully it gave some of you insight. But here's the thing, even learning from my OWN mistakes I still struggle! I feel like I have been perpetuating this scenario and just feel weighed down. Trust me, I'm doing all the right things...not contacting him, living my own life, being positive, yada yada yada. But wow this is hard. He's still with his MARRIED boss and not making and real change.

I got the paperwork ready yesterday and I'm filing this week. I know, I believe in us so much, but I just can't live like this anymore. After walking through all of this mess, I have realized how great of a person I am and that at 31, I am ready for something SO REAL. This isn't real, it's a game. Perhaps this will push him out of his comfort zone, but I'm moving on with life, with or without him. (with would be great though)

[peringo]

I wish that worked on my wife...

[Rick1963]

Jamie are u in counseling? I think u need to be ASAP. Do u want to save the M? Why did u initially want out of the M? Post often

[peringo]

Jamie, are there any signs or signals that would indicate to me that my wifes signifigant other is really a band-aid?

[MrBond]

So I don't get it. Are you trying to save your marriage or not?

[Brit45]

So I saw your previous post about how you weren't sure what to do.

This really jumped out at me:

but my mind is flip flopping.

All of your posts seem very frantic and upset. That's perfectly normal. I understand how you feel because I was there. I was a WAW as well and then a few months later he found someone that he was very happy moving on with.

They say Believe none of what they say and half of what they do. So all his calling you wifey no matter what he says or texts....the facts are he is still in a R with someone else and there were valid reasons you left the marriage.

You can a) let your anger validate you into filing for divorce and leaving the sitch for good
b) continue to pursue him putting up with whatever crumbs he may give you
or
C) decide that this time is a gift like Cadet says. Be still center yourself, decide what it is you want in a R whether with him or someone else. What you have done to contribute to the breakdown to the M, work on yourself and work on a functioning R with H because you will be in each other's lives forever with the kids.

The truth is there is no quick fix and just because it worked for someone else doesn't mean it will work for you. If you are committed to doing everything you can to have a better M in the future whether that's with H or someone else, then you need to stick to one thread, post often, answer everyone's questions because they are here to help you self analyze and they will tell you when your thoughts are helpful or harmful. If no one is answering then post just to journal and vent put it all here, not in letter or texts to your ex.

Look through the archives and read others who are going through the same thing.

Set boundaries that will keep you emotionally and mentally safe.

Do you want to save your marriage or do you want to punish him for having a relationship?

As a WAW I had to sit down with myself and understand that I was being selfish in wanting all of this to happen on my timeline. To want space when I wanted it and want the R when I wanted it.

We think that by cutting the spouse out of our life it will end the pain. It won't. you have to make yourself happy, you have to heal the hurts with in. It takes patience and time and work. Do you want to do that?

[zig]

that's a beautifull post brit - everything is there - all the elements.

thanks

jg - take heed - you're getting good advice here

zig

[Tinman]

Does adding other people into the mix really help and encorage the WAS to reconsider. I am new to this but for me if I found out she was starting another relationship that would be all I need to file divorce papers. I know easier said than done;-)

[strongerthanever]

Honestly, any time someone jumps right into another relationship, it's a band aid. No one like to be alone, letts be honest.

The grass is always greener on the other side because you don't have to mow it. When I say that I mean the other R is all fuzzy feelings without the care it takes to foster something real. Real life is about the chores, waking up early, paying bills, stuff like that.

EA/PA are a selfish way of getting the bright thick green grass without having to mulch it or anything. And as time goes by, well, you realize it's so bright and green because it's FAKE grass. It's fun and rewarding to take care of your lawn. That's why I think Michelle says most A only last about 6 months or so.

[strongerthanever]

Mr Bond,
I have been quietly losing my mind, lol. Actualy, I'm at a happier place now. But to answer your question, I'll rephrase it.

Do I love my husband? YES
Do I believe in M? YES
Do I want this sitch for my family? NO
But have I grown from it? HELL YES
Will I accept the old relationship? NEVER AGAIN
If he is willing to grow, will I grow with him? YOU KNOW IT
*but it has to come from his heart, untill then, I'm working on me*