Kimmerz, They spew because they can't control their emotions. Keep in mind, when a two year old throws a tantrum, they bawl and stomp their feet, and yes, old their breath. When the mlcer is acting out, you can't have any type of rational conversation w/them. Now, I've said this before to others, when they are spewing like crazy, change the subject very quickly and that awful, crazy spewing will stop in mid-stream. Why? Because you've changed up the subject and it catches them off guard. BTW, this does work...I had Mt. Etna spewing at me all of the time until I tried this easy technique. It make take you a couple of tries, but you'll get it.
Many times when they are spewing, it's not about us at all. It could be something ticked them off at work, road rage, the sun is shining or whatever. They spew at the people they feel safest with. I know that my xh did this little number at work and the guys told me that they gave it back to him three-fold and he never did it again to them.
Try my suggestion and see if it helps. Don't "expect" him to say or do anything that he have normally done in the past...the past for him is gone and you've got the mirror image of that model.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Everyone, Im reading a great book that I feel all the ladies should read. It's called "Act like a Lady, Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey.
This is a very good book, and I encourage ladies to read it. What I like about it? It's written by a man, about men. It's a great morale boost and encouragment to women to be confident and to have standards. To have boundaries, to stick to them and to command respect, but act as a lady in sending out that message. It made me feel better because this was the woman I used to be, but over time that woman kinda faded off into no where. She became a ghost really, but by working on myself and GAL in ways that make me content and happy, she's coming back to life!
To be honest, the latter years of my marriage I really felt like I was WRONG to want to have a better marriage, a better connection and intimacy with XH. My standards for life, my goals, and my desires were changing.Funny thing, when you have kids and want them to grow to be the best person they can be, it urges you to grow and be the best person you can be as a parent. However I felt I was somehow doing something wrong because XH never seemed to be on the same page with me on anything in regards to personal goals, goals as a family, and working on a better future as a whole. I guess I felt that way because of his overall responses or attitude towards me when I would talk about these things were negative or completely empty. For some reason because he wasn't excited to work on new goals as a family and as individuals, it made me feel like I was a fool for wanting it.
I think Im finally stepping into the finality of truly letting go. It's still hard as hell, because I do miss the friendship, and I do miss having him as my co parent by my side to help with the kids. But I do stand firm that a true friend would never continue to treat another friend like he has me...and I know that goes for all other LBS's. I mean we all make mistakes, but we usually learn from them! Especially when someone important has been hurt, even if you're intentions were never to hurt them in the first place.
He was right about one thing and that it yes, we grew apart. I don't like that term because it seems so cliche' yet at the same time indicates an actual positive growth. When I hear that term, "grow apart" I take it as two people growing and going in positive directions in their life, but those directions really do lead in opposite directions, and in order to fullfill this growth staying together is not feasible.
As I look at XH and myself I do see us in a position for growing intellectually and spiritually. My journey had already begun a few years ago, but I felt held back by him and frustrated by him because he didn't want to join me. As for him and now in MLC, well it really is a chance to grow, but boy the starting line sure is awful. I look at an MLCer as if they're an 18 year old stuck in a 40 - 50 somethings body, but with all the memories still attatched.
Ok guys... I need some input, again! My XH, MLCEr only texts me when he's away from OW which is when he's at work and has spare time while he's doing books the last 2 hours of his shift. Or he's outside playing with the kids in the yard at his place.
When we've text during times I know she's there, it's very quick one or two word answers. When she's not around, it's like we're buddies again if we're not arguing, which isn't often.
I've been getting lengthy texts from XH MLCer that appear friendly, and genuine of course all about the girls and his next visit with him. I decided to try and have some normal conversation with him, and I was very suprised how he responded right back and we've had some nice little visits via texting. In the past he's text me right after 2 p.m. when I get home from work. He hasn't done that in a while but just text me at 2:11 p.m. this afternoon with a lengthy text. Apparently he had to tell me he's going out of town on his next days off and can't have the kids, BUT he can still take them in the mornings or take them home after work and keep them overnight if they want to stay, so to please let him know if the girls want to do this.
I find this odd. As the conversation goes on he tells me that he's at the pool watching the girls swim (which I asked him to do a few days ago and he couldn't tell me if he could then)and we've just been texting for an hour! He's sitting there watching the our girls and texting me while OW is at home. OK... is this cake eating again?
We've been talking about town gossip, and even about a mutual friend that died years ago. I said to him " she passed away when we lived in California didn't she?" and he said " no, when we moved back". guess it kinda floored me that he still will admit he was actually married to me and remembers things....given how he's re written history so insanely.
Obviously he's going out of town with OW. This irks me in how he completely removes her from the sitch when he's speaking to me. I realize it's none of my business, for but for God's sake he's been living with her for almost a year now. Our kids stay with them, though OW makes no effort to connect with them. He takes complete care of them when the girls are with him. I just figured at this point and time he'd say to me " OW and I are going here for a weekend."
So my question is, do you think he's trying to be kind to OW and not speak to me infront of her, or is he sneaking around? Do you think he's keeping it strictly business between us and Im the one looking for that needle in the hay stack of some sort of weird message he's trying to give me?
That's almost like rule # 1 when there's an OP... lol...
My W was chatting me for the past couple days. Last night and likely the rest of the weekend, I will not hear boo from her. I would never feign an emergency, but I wonder...
If you can stomache it, by all means be the OW for him. You might try flirting and see what happens...
Remember he's MLC so it will take what ever it takes and if he ever did come on to you, remember he's in MLC... stay detached...
It was before the book. He is now happily married and has spoken about his past issues on his radio show. He doesn't do it often out of respect for his wife and kids.
Ok Im beginnnig to think Im in MLC or just finally lost it. So yesterday I have all these acceptant feelings of what's going on for now and feeling like Im letting go.
Then since last night I've gone from extremely pissed of at XH to ok to pissed off back to ok, and back to pissed off.
Everyone seems to be completely acceptant of everything going on here accept me I guess. I have family members now telling me that the past is the past and to focus on making a good relationship with XH for the girls sake because " you never know what the future will hold. Be grateful he's still in your life".
Ok I get that, I do get that mentally, but Im not feeling it. Im still heavily burdened with resentment towards the man. Im resentful because every waking moment is a reminder to me of how he abandoned me. Every waking moment. While he has made a home with OW and she gets the priveledge of only working part time, Im stuck working full time at a job that literally drains everythng from me mind body and soul. I absolutely must keep working to keep a roof over our heads and drain the savings account to keep the roof over our heads so he can cheat me out of money to pay his bills. Because his new princess doesn't have to work.
My body hurts and Im in pain all the time and Im exhausted. Its up to me to do all the disciplining, feeding taking care of, support, etc for both the girls. I break up fights, I mend up hurt feelings, I teach them to be self sufficient, I teach them to do laundry, clean house, cook, etc. I never get a breather because the girls are constantly wanting my attention because Im their friend, they like me and want to be near me all the time. Yet I need time alone to think.
Im so overwhelmed by it all I literally can't focus on anything anymore and am exhausted. Yet when he was here he was of enough support with parenting and even personally to me at times to where I had a break and I felt I could depend upon him for help.
He abandons me, and all this is now on my shoulders all the time. And Im supposed to be happy he's in my life? Im supposed to just let him and and let it all go and be friends with this man?
I want to write him a really truthful letter of how this last year has been for me and how much I resent him for it. Because I don't think he has ANY idea how hard it's been.
Kimmerz, Only you can control just how much contact you have w/him. If you don't want to be texting all of the time, then don't respond to his texts all of the time. He's obviously testing the water to see if you are still out there for him and yes, he's keeping you on the side just in case he may need to run home to mom.
Set your boundaries and stick to them when it comes to communication.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What you are going through is normal, or at least I think it is as I am going through the exact same thing too!
Supressing feelings for a awhile to try to mitigate the damage in a marriage can only last so long. Once it starts to build up, an outpouring of emotion is inevitable. The on/off stuff is maybe you (or your body) working the release valve. Unfortunately, you don't feel like you have contol over the valve.
I feel the same way and it is scary. The one thing that helps me through it is reading the funny MLC script. Remember in the end the LBS starts to think that they have MLC.
You sound overwhelmed, and for good reason.
My thought is, if you can, get a sitter, whether it be family or friends, and take a little time out for yourself. You need to recharge the batteries.
Good luck!
Hugs! (((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
