Kolja's next chapter

[kolja]

First thread

Second thread

I noticed that I was just past 100 so I thought I'd start a new one.

I'm back in the northwest after my 12 days in Hawaii. The job there wrapped up in time for me to see some stuff (since it was my first visit there and all). Earlier in my trip, before things picked up, I saw the palace. Before leaving I saw the Utah and Oklahoma memorials, paid a not-nearly long enough visit to the Missouri, and went to the Arizona memorial. Later in the day I went and hiked Diamond Head. Now I'm back in my hometown for a wedding, and will finally get home on monday evening. I REALLY enjoyed hawaii. More than I thought I would, since I didn't really like the gulf coast at all and the virgin islands were just 'nice' but not anything i got super excited over. But I LOVED Hawaii - I guess that's kind of a 180 in its own right !!

Things are mostly quiet on the marriage front. I get a text message from her every couple weeks and we have a pleasant if not profound conversation. For anyone who wasn't following, may have forgot, and/or doesn't want to read the entire second thread, she came back to the NW from Arizona (where she moved in February) to visit her family, and asked to stop by our house and visit her cats, which she hadn't taken with her. I of course would have loved to see her but I didn't ask to - i figured, and a few friends agreed, that it would be better to let her initiate any moves like that when and if she was ready. She did not but had an enjoyable visit with the cats, and our exchanges were pleasant.

There's SOME evidence she may have a boyfriend - and I've actually taken that better than I had thought. Considering where her head is, she doesn't plan to come back. She may not even think we'll see each other ever again. And that may of course be true. But either way, if she THINKS she's ready to move on, or is trying to convince herself she is, it's only natural. Two more things to consider - first, my counselor had commended me for taking the "high road" and I certainly think this would fit that discription. But second, and more important than appearances of taking the high road, is the fact that a couple I'm friends with we're in a very similar situation: the wife had filed for legal separation and moved (to Arizona too, coincidentally enough). They were apart for 14 months, she dated for a year of that time, and now they're back together working things out. I had dinner with them in San Diego. So not only do I COGNITIVELY know that there are couples who've been through the same or worth, I know one of them fairly well and was very recently face to face with them !!

I heard from my wife again on Thursday - my last full day in Hawaii. She texted with a health care coverage question which I couldnt answer but it did give me the chance to say I hoped she was well. When she said "you too" I finally had a halfway decent opportunity to tell her I was in Hawaii. A fairly pleasant conversation ensued. I ALMOST told her I wish I had been able to bring her there but I thought better of it. And in went out of my way to avoid mentioning that if she had chosen differently she could have spent 12 days in Hawaii too - I kind of hoped that, evenif eventually as opposed to right away, it would occur to her on its own without me having to wave it in her face.

And here's something eerie - when she initially texted, for the first time in about 2 weeks, I was at the Arizona memorial. Standing. Right. Over. The. Ship.

[kolja]

On the way home from Hawaii I made a short detour to my hometown for a wedding. The ceremonial part was mercifully short but also as difficult as I expected. The dinner/reception part was pretty fun though.

The whole evening did, however, make me much mor conscious of missing my wife - which I say here and to a couple friends because I don't figure it would be a good thing to tell HER

[2thepoint]

On the way home from Hawaii I made a short detour to my hometown for a wedding. The ceremonial part was mercifully short but also as difficult as I expected. The dinner/reception part was pretty fun though.

The whole evening did, however, make me much mor conscious of missing my wife - which I say here and to a couple friends because I don't figure it would be a good thing to tell HER

Hey Kolja, I know it is hard sometimes to steer clear of the triggers but sometimes it is unavoidable. Reach back to that which has given you the strength over the past several months to help you get past these rough patches.

You have been doing really well and your GAL rivals the best I've seen on these boards. Your recent trip to Hawaii sounds like it was a great distraction for you. Any new races in your future?

[kolja]

Yeah - I miss her every day, but usually it's pretty quiet and in the background. A setting like a wedding kind of put more emphasis on it. But as the day has gone on, I've focused more on just simply being grateful for our pleasant exchange last week.

Next race is June 23 down in Seattle.

[gunny]

Hey Kolja,
Just checking in. You are moving right along. I enjoy your postings, very introspective and mature.
Strained my hamsting 2 weeks ago, have been doing precor for rehab, no pain, no running for one month, this is my longest forced respite from running in 36 years! How is yours coming along?

[kolja]

Slowly getting faster. I did 11 miles on Saturday at a 9:55 pace, better than my first 1/2 marathon and Bloomsday earlier in the month.

Turned out that catching up at work after 2 weeks gone wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be, and I came in to find out that one of the Sailors who works for me got picked up in the most recent promotion cycle, so all in all it's been a pretty good first day back!

[kolja]

Interesting development today - as I was getting ready for work, I had a text message from the wife.

She said she had been laid off from her job, and asked if she could stay on the cell phone plan a little longer. I said of course she could, and that I was sorry to hear her news. We've been texting back and forth a bit since then, and I've tried to be as encouraging and supportive as I can.

Now, and I'm being honest - there's no schadenfruede here. There's some GRATITUDE for what I have (steady job, even if in the past it has been challenging and not always pleasant). I do legitimately feel bad it's happened to her; I remember her telling me how much she liked her new job and I certainly don't wish her ill.

But, at the same time, in the grand scheme things, I can't help but wonder where, if anywhere, this will lead us?

In the meantime, back in my own little world, now that I'm back in my house after the wedding and all, things are good. I'm caught up at work and at home, running and lifting continues to go well, I'm making progress on various projects around the house and even on a hobby project or two.

While of course I'd still welcome a reconciliation and part of me can't help but wonder if this is the beginning of that opportunity, when I stop and look at my day-to-day life, I can't help but sometimes think it would be OK if it take a while to play itself out...

[bustorama]

You are in a good place feeling that A Day in the Life of Kolja is pretty good as is.

Fill us in a bit re: the content of the texting back and forth and what sorts of things you and her are saying.

How soon is Seattle Half again? Any time goals? Your pace continues to improve. Have you started doing any weekly speedwork yet (intervals, fartlek, tempo runs?)? If not, it seems like you have a good enough base that you can add it to your repertoire.

[kolja]

Here's 'transcripts,' if you will, from 2 of our last 3 discussions (I'll skip the middle of the 3 because it was purely logistical, about our cell phone account, with no strong positives or negatives, no epiphanies, or anything).

On May 24, while I was still in Hawaii, I was playing tourist since the exercise was done and there was another day before my flight out. I was at the Arizona memorial, literally standing RIGHT OVER the ship, looking at the oil spots on the surface from the fuel still in the sunken ship (how's that for eerie?). My phone (on silent) went off, and I waited a few minutes to check it:

W: How much longer do I have on the medical insurance??

Me: I don't know...

W: OK!!! (potential exasperation? not sure, but read on...)

Me: I haven't made any changes yet, but once I hear things are final I will. I presume there's some time period where you're still covered, but I don't know what it is.

W: K thanks!

Me: You're welcome. Hope you're well. (we hadn't talked in 2 weeks, since she came back up to visit her family, and visited her cats at the house while I was at work).

W: Thanks. You too.

Me: Thanks. I've been TAD in Hawaii since the 13th (first chance I had to tell her that, unless I was going to just tell her out of the blue - which would have seemed too pursuing to me).

W: Wow... nice. Enjoy

Me: Work hours were long but base lodging was full so I got to stay in Waikiki.

W: Fun. :-)

Me: Yeah I've really enjoyed it. And there's a chance I'll be back here in August for a week.

W: Cool :-)

Me: Yep!!

W: Well have fun. Enjoy it there... :-)

Me: It's been neat going for runs on Waikiki. Saturday I did nine miles from my hotel down around the base of diamond head and back - but it was dark (a couple of our texts crossed each other at this point).

W: That sounds like fun... NOT.. HA HA (interestingly, originally SHE was the one who wanted to try a half marathon, but I digress...)

At this point I sent her a picture I took with my phone the previous Sunday afternoon after I got off work of the Arizona memorial from the shore of Ford Island, with a rainbow behind it.

W: Awesome! I went there when I was 15, but haven't been since.

Me: I remember you mentioning that. I also saw an ad for swimming with sea turtles. (she once told me, in better times when she said she really wanted us to take a trip to Hawaii, that she wanted to do this - I wanted to suggest that I remember us talking about it, without being over the top by saying how I wished we would have had the chance to do the honeymoon there we talked about).

I then sent her a picture I took of the sunset on Waikiki beach, which she liked.

A week later, while I was at a retirement reception, was the purely logistical conversation about the cell phone account.

Less than a week after that, Thursday the 7th:

W: Hey I was hoping you could do me a big favor... yesterday I got laid off at my job yesterday (sic) and was wondering if I could stay on the cell phone plan a little longer? Let me know.

Me: Sure you can. That's no problem at all. I'm really sorry to hear you got laid off (I legitimately was - she had said she really liked it, and while another shot at our marriage would be great I certainly don't wish any ILL upon her for it to happen...)

W: Thanks... I will tell you more later...

Me: Ok - keep your chin up; everything will work out for you I'm sure

W: Thank you

Me: No problem. I'll be thinking of you

W: Thanks. It was a shock...

Me: I can imagine it was. I'm so sorry it happened to you

W: Thank you. I will figure something out...

Me: I know you will

W: :-)

That was all mid-morning. When I got back home, figuring she could use something to smile about and knowing she missed her/our cats, I tried to get a picture of the little guys. They were busy playing so it wasn't all that easy, but I finally got one and sent it to her, with a caption saying "We're kind of busy playing but we stood still JUST long enough to say HI MOM!!!!"

W: Thank you :-)


As I retype it, I realize that while it's not all that intimate of a conversation, and while we've had some FRIENDLY conversations here and there, it's still the most intimate - in terms of her sharing things with me and me being receptive to it - exchange we've had in quite some time, and the first POSITIVE quasi-intimate one we've had in a very long time. I tried to be supportive and encouraging, and be loving without being pursuing, smothering or over the top.

[kolja]

As far as the Seattle half - it's June 23. My buddy and his girlfriend (she has a place in West Seattle) will be in California; I had rather hoped to be able to crash with them since it's a 2 hour drive and gas prices here in Puget Sound are giving the prices I saw in Hawaii a run for the money - no pun intended - and I drive a 16 year old truck! But I found a good deal from hotels.com on a room down near the airport - only $65 plus tax. So I can roll down there Friday evening, pick up my packet, get a good night's sleep, and get to the race next morning without an unreasonably early morning.

My first time was 2:13:14, so I'd like to get in the neighborhood of 2:05ish. I think that would be a respectable improvement. I haven't done any speedwork, but since the weather's been nicer than it was when I was getting ready for April, I've been outside more - and it's REALLY hilly where I live. I felt I hadn't prepared myself very well for the hills on my first one, so I'm glad I've had the opportunity to run some lately.

Browsing around on the internet,I realize I'm not too familiar with the shorthand a lot of the training plans use for speedwork, so I'll need to do some academic homework before implementing them to make sure I understand what they're actually telling me to do!! A program I saw on Runners World's site made me feel like I was back in the calculus course the navy made take in college... of note, I was an international relations major