I'm back, on my own.

[canadianMrs.]

I was in piecing for a bit, but realized my h was still trying to have the best of both worlds. I offically detached from H and moving on without him; and I finally get what I've been reading, when you are really ready to detach you'll do it. I thought I'd said good-bye to these boards, but although I've detached, H still tries to get into my life. I realized I still need to be among others going through MLC, because as much as I'm doing well at GAL and detaching, we have children together and I can't escape him altogether. I need strength (in numbers) to get through the times he tries to manipulate me or still trying to deal with how could the boy I fell in love with at 16 become the man who has treated me so horribly these 18 months. It really does feel like emotional abuse at times.

One observation, is it just my H or all MLC's that while they want to have OW (or OM) and say all the degrading things they do to us, how come they still don't like it when we date. My H has told me it bothers him?!

[cat04]

Personally, I believe it is all part of the don't want us, don't want anyone else to have us thinking that seems pretty common amongst MLCer's.

They are confused, even if they don't act like it. Inside, they question, they wonder about their decisions.

MLC=confusion.

[MrBond]

"My H has told me it bothers him?!"

Because they were in a position of power before. Now you have the power again. Your life is in your hands and your H has no control over it.

When he blamed you for everything and called you name, etc. he was "the man". He thought he was untouchable and was in control of everything. But once you started showing that you are woman of worth and are attracting other men, he now is getting jealous.

Just keep living your life. I'm sure you've continued to look great and feel great. There will be a point where your H will try to get back together with you and it sound like you were the one who dumped him. That's when you tell him that you deserve more in a man than one who couldn't take responsibility for his own actions.

Good job on creating your new life.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'm not sure it is that Orwellian, all about power.

I think in some cases, yes it is. In others, the safety net is going away. In others, how can you be so sure of something when they are not.

Bottom line? Human nature to want what we cannot have.

[MrBond]

Yes I didn't mean power in terms of "I'm greater than you". It's a matter of control. It's something the MLCer craves because they feel that they "haven't been in control" of anything in their life up until the point they hit MLC. Weird.

[AJM]

It is odd how they profess they want to leave, leave, and yet...

Is there a why? I think it's right when we think about it: we can't know. They don't seem to, so how on earth would we?

I also think there is some familiarity factor - on both sides. We have what we were used to, what was "normal" for us as individuals in how we related to the other. That sometimes feels like control becuase it feels like it comes from an alien or rather, somebody we used to think we knew (and trusted).

The truth is we cannot know why in most cases. We just know what is and that sometimes feels like a barb.

In the end, we can only know why we do things. Everything else just...is. And of course what we are willing accept or reject and what we'll do about it.

My thoughts anyway.
AJ

[canadianMrs.]

Augh! Another wake up call about H today. I don't even know why I'm surprised but it just reinforced where I stand with him, and where I need to put some more boundaries. (I do need advice per situations from this board)
My inlaws came to my D's soccer tonight. I got a job a month ago and start this summer(part of GAL, first job in 11 years!) At the time I asked H to talk to his parents about looking after the kids for a week this summer. He said he had and would get back to me about the details. I hadn't heard anything so I brought it up with them. They hadn't even heard I got a job! Self centered H again. You would think child care for his children would be a priority even if I'm not.

My 2nd part of this is about boundaries (the above incident got under my skin to remind me of the following). I think I've done really well putting them in place in the last month or so. Before when H and I were talking/going to counselling we spent a lot of time together as a family and my house started to become like a 2nd home of his. That came to and end! However, he still calls me when he has a problem. Last week it was his car breaking down. When I picked them up after the weekend, he asked me to drive him to the mechanic to pick up his car. It was on the way so I did, although I wasn't happy about it. I'm getting the feeling he uses situations where the kids are present to put me on the spot. I don't want be the bad guy in their eyes with him, but at the same time, he has treated me so horribly why should I do him any favors? Why not call one of his gf's? While hes gotten better about not contacting me unless necesary like I asked, when we do talk he acts like were the best of friends! Text messages with happy faces still, little jokes. I keep it business. When & how do I draw the line with situations like this. This one is a grey area for me. I don't want to be a "witch" but I refuse to be a doormat/taken advantage of again. With anyone else (and him before) I would jump to help.

(One side note, I was with H when his car initially broke down, at another soccer game. He has alienated himself from almost all his friends. Although, as he sees it, they've just been busy. He was going through his list of contacts of people to help him and he was struggling to find one person he could call. A sad reality of MLC.)

[job]

Your h is relying on you to rescue him whenever he's in trouble. In order for him to grow up, he needs to learn to take care of himself. Your h needs to become a member of AAA. He can then call them to assist him.

BTW, Mlcers have a way of putting their spouses on the spot to do what they want (it's called manipulation). Sounds like you h is fairly good at it.

[canadianMrs.]

Thank you. I agree he is good. As I said, I'm good at general boundaries but need advice on specific situations. As well, I'm torn when it comes to asking for his help with the kids. I try to not involve him but with my new job starting, he is off Mondays and would like to ask him to have the kids and extra day on his weekends for July. I don't want to ask him for favors, but these are his kids too and I'm going back to work partly because of the situation he has created.

My other question is, I read the stages of MLC. Can someone go through the stages more than once. I've seen H go through replay and then depression when the effects of replay hurt him. ie. when the A was exposed, then again the kids and I moved and then again last month when I discovered multiple ow while we were piecing and ended us again/ detached. The depression lasts weeks, trying to grasp at his old life, crying etc and then back to replay. So far, each time he goes back to replay his behavior gets worse. I think this time will be different because I have no desire to be part if his life. He really is on his own. I think I'm the last one to walk away.

[job]

I wouold ask him if he would consider taking the children on Mondays since you are going back to work. You need to find a way to word the question so that it looks like he is making the decision for himself. Mlcers do not like for the spouses to make them feel guilty or tell them what they should or shouldn't do, i.e., wording the request is very important.

Now about replay and depression...your h never left replay. The stages that you have read about are just guidelines and they can bounce back and forth from one to another or they can can run consecutively. Replay takes a long time to work through and the less you rely on him, the better.

Keep your expectations at zero at all times.