So I had a busy few days. Some old friends are in town between assignments in Italy and Okinawa. We all were at the beach this evening. And I realized how much some of my friends mean to me. I was watching all the couples, and working on a list of what I really want in my next relationship.
Here is my list: Someone who is comfortable enough in their own skin to be comfortable with me. Someone who can hold a conversation. Someone who wants more out of life than something new on TV. And most of all someone who wants to hold my hand.
My STBXH left today for a two week trip to DC. And once again is working on that "Hall of Fame Lier" status. Show of hands here, how many of you believe the Pentagon will be doing budget talks on the 4th of July?
And I don't know why it matters, because I've said I'm done, I've tenatively started dating, and he is in charge of himself. But I guess it is just that he acts like we are going to be friends when this is all done. And it is plain that we are "Separated" in his world.
And what does his boss think? A guy who has steadfastly refused to travel for the past 7 years now jumps on every chance to go to DC. And it really just doesn't matter. Clearly he will be seeing OW, or maybe OW really is done with him and he has re-re-connected with the original OW from 2000.
And it isn't my business anymore. I get that. But I just want to be not living in the same house, not around him anymore. It is just too darn painful. He comes to me with the stupidest things. (Can he borrow a pill box for his vitamins?)
He grumbled because we were out of orange juice and he had to drink water for breakfast. (There is more than a 1/2 gallon of milk and apple AND grape juice.) This is honestly the first time in God-only-knows how many years I have not bought him OJ.
My oldest son saw me filling up my STBXH's water bottles I kep in the fridge for him. S27 was irritated and suggested I put food coloring in them so they were urine colored. I declined, but then went along with the secondary plan of using the neon food coloring and making a rainbow of colors in them.
To me it was funny, because as a child my oldest son was always sneeking food coloring into our food. Then S27 suggested I buy a bunch of wax bananas to put in the kitchen for his dad.
Many people post on here about letting children work out their own R with their MLC parent. Both sons have expressed their dissapointment is trying to do things with their dad and how he just wants to be alone. They feel they can talk to me about anything, but can't talk to thir dad at all.
Anyway it is way past my bedtime. When I got home my S22 was having a little party. So I decided to stay up a bit, because they were going to keep me awake anyway. I was happy to see S22 having fun.
When I said goodbye to STBXH today I gave him a hug. He pulled the one-arm half-hug on me and I told him to give me a better hug, as he might never see me again. Funny that I feel that way, but I do. Maybe I will stock up that boat and head to Fiji. What the heck!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, I'm sure that budget discussions will take place this week and most likely up to the middle of July 3rd in DC. The DC folks want the workers out of town by mid to late day so that they can be ready for the tourist who will be attending the festivities and then back to the grind on July 5th.
I'm sorry that he's just not there for you and the family. Wendy, I'm glad to see that you are starting to make a list of what you would like out of the next relationship. It's got you thinking!
Look at it this way, you have a couple of weeks w/o having to deal w/your h. Your home will be peaceful and quiet and you can do as you please when you want to w/o hearing a bunch of whining.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Snodderly! I do know he is going to DC for a reason, but just wish he would be more honest with me. He will have a full weekend off and the 4th of July. I know OW will be there to take advantage of the hotel room. I also know that he knew months ago he was going back to DC because he bought an expensive metro pass and couldn't have used it up in the few days he was there before. He put that on our credit card not the government card.
That being said I know it is just a symptom of my needing to detach more and cut that dude free.
I think he doesn't let me in on his plans to travel because he went with me to my class reunion last October. And made me miserable the whole time with his idiotic sleeping in the same bed, we are just going to get divorced and somehow magically remain friends crap. And I think his whole play then was making sure I didn't accidently have any fun. He can have sex, but I can't.
And if I had know he was going to be in DC over the 4th of July I might have wanted to go with him, because I have said before how much I wanted to see the fireworks over the mall just once. And I have relatives I haven't seen in awhile, I could have gone over to see them. But that would have been my if we were still a couple plan. I actually have no desire to travel with him, ever again.
Comically he sent me a text to tell me he had arrived safely in DC. I wanted to text back: "Who are you and how did you get this number?" But I restrained myself. He spent the 31 years we were married making me feel like I was an idiot for wanting to know he had arrived somewhere safely. He would tell me not to worry unless men in uniforms showed up and gave me a briefing. It was common practice for him to tell me 2 or 3 days later that he had arrived at his destination.
When he left on this trip I actually thought to myself: "Okay, he is gone I won't hear from him for 2 weeks." I should have horned in on this trip of his just to get even with him for the misery he gave me at my class reunion. Fortunatly I know better.
I have been reading a lot of other peoples threads. And I can see what I'm doing wrong. But just cannot always get my mindset set right. I feel so abandoned, so left out. I want to do something for the 4th, and just feel like a 5th wheel around my friends.
At the beach yesterday my friends H was making me flex my arm muscle, discussing if the skin would ever recover from my huge weight loss. This friend's H and I shared the same career field in the air force and he has always treated me like one of his guy friends. My friends daughter got upset.
It made me feel funny. And my friend and her H were both pretty alarmed at how much weight I've lost. I actually quit dieting and have gone to maintenance because my extra skin looks so bad. I really need to lose 30 more pounds, I am a very small boned gal. I may be wearing size 10 pants, but should be in a 4 or 6.
I realized the other day I am back in a pretty deep depression. I have taken steps to control it. But I am thinking I might have to go back on anti-depressants. And it just makes me sadder. It is one of the things my STBXH blames me for. Both my boys fight depression. AND STBXH too, though he can't see it. And he thinks getting any help, counseling or medicine is BAD and WRONG.
And just now, I had one of those moments of clarity. Thank goodness for this forum and medium. It sure helps me figure stuff out. (Though the WHY is not a question I want to stay hung up on..... thnks to all those who said that enough time for me to grasp!)
My STBXH was raised by a Christian Scientist. And he DOES NOT believe in God. So exactly how is he ever going to get better? He won't take medicine, won't talk to a counselor and won't talk to God. He is really all alone. Seriously alone. And I didn't break him and I can't fix him.
This realization is so profound I actually feel strange. I'm going to go to bed and think.
Aloha,
Wendy
PS he was not amused by the rainbow water......
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
In a bit of strangeness I woke up this morning feeling calm. I didn't wish I could snuggle with STBXH. I sleep in the middle of the bed now. I was okay with things the way they are.
I am reading Buddhist stuff now. And trying to work on meditating. I think it is helping my brain cope.
I hope everyone has some fun plans going for this weekend. I have Chris LeDoux playing, I am in a country mood!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Hi Wendy! Been away from the boards for a while...but I wanted to check in with you! You were always there to get me through the tough times and help to keep my brain focused... I will always appreciate that!!
Sounds like you've gotten to a good place (as good as can be expected) and I thin the detachment needs to be a conscience, daily effort. I know there are still some things that trigger an irritation with my H, but I'm getting better at moving past them quicker.
'tentatively dating', huh?? how's that going?? lol.
I think being in a country mood is great! "If you're going through he!!..." is a personal favorite to get me in a better mood (and anything about revenge or getting even, haha!)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Tenatively dating...... An accountant, an airline pilot,a guy working on his PhD in education, and today a retired colonel called me........
I set my mind to not spend the 4th alone, and suddenly invitations were rolling in. Tenative, because I am making sure I don't go down any roads I regret.
As I think about STBXH and myself I just don't think I can ever get past OW. She may just be a symptom. But everytime I hear him talk, I can hear her. I just don't think that will ever change. So those two "soulmates" can just go lead their own special new happy lives together.
I will live my life and see where it takes me!
Also tenatively, because in my heart I really think I'm headed for California. Which I have told the guys I've had tea/drinks/movies/beach dates/dinners with. No lies, no secrets.
Just seeing what my future holds!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Hey Wendy... just wanted to let you know yesterday and today I have been really using your detachment technique of repeating detach, detach, detach in my head! It works well! Thank you again!!
