It's exactly like MWD's description of having many ups and downs but still on an overall upward trajectory.
Concentrating on myself is still in the early stages. But it does take my mind off WAW when I'm busy. Still taking baby steps: sleep and exercise first.
Found myself re-reading my bookmarks of DB blog and it settled me a little
Brit, thanks for your continued compassion
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
I think a lot about the amount of space that I have given my WAW. She's moved into her own apartment. I don't initiate any TM or phone calls. I started NC due to my pain but then started LRT.
Some of WAW reasons for space were for: - independence, "to prove to herself she could do it". This corresponds to the lack of self confidence identified by both her and my ICs. WAW said to her BFF that she couldn't express herself when in arguments with me because I used so much logical and was always so convincing. Thanks to the Pease books I realize it was simply me not listening.
- pressure from her family, that they were "forcing their views into her" about her A. No one understood how happy she was to have found her soul mate and the emotional connection was so strong and natural in 2 weeks of A compared to 8 years of R with LBH. This is a hard one for me because WAW literally expects S to know how she feels and thinks without her having to say anything. This immature thinking has been reinforced by three of her BFFs. I feel if I ever get the opportunity, all I can do is ask how she feels and listen.
Of course, all family and friends think that this space is only for her to pursue her A with OM. I think all three reasons apply to WAW's desire space.
It's been said in other threads, my old M is dead. Any R will be with a new W or a new person. But I can't stop thinking about what WAW is thinking during this space since she has not mentioned our M since I went NC/LRT in March
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
I have no bearing on how or what WAW thinks with this space and I don't want to control that anyway. I've always preferred to let her learn on her own if she doesn't agree with me.
I do hope she makes a good choice for herself and not one in confusion that she will regret.
Slowly getting into GAL. Got a haircut and found myself enjoying grocery shopping. Still not sleeping or exercising much but getting excited about returning to my hobby tomorrow.
Trying to buy some new clothes too. Hard thing to do when someone else has done it for the last 9 years
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
Deciding that I could/would live even if H made a decision he might regret is hard. You want the best for them and you want them. Detaching is saying everyone makes their own decisions and mistakes I can't and won't fix them. Ultimately you want her to be strong enough to make her own choices DVD if she has regrets to act on them. If she doesn't then you have a decision to make.
WAW is traveling overseas today but no contact from her before her departure. Don't know why I had expectations of a "I'm boarding a plane" text message. I feel disappointed.
This is over shadowing my GAL today. Hopefully my dinner plans tonight cheer me up.
This is a roller coaster of emotions as well as a roller coaster of concentrating on myself rather than guessing what WAW is doing or thinking
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
That is certainly something that would sting (and did for me, too, at first). Now that you know she's done it, you can adjust your expectations going forward. Hang in there.
Today I have actually started to think that I want D. Two things have tipped me this way.
One is the no contact before the overseas trip. Ok she doesn't need to tell me everything but this was for a funeral in the family. Just a courtesy "I'm getting on the plane". Instead, I got a call from my FIL who was traveling together. I don't think it's petty given the context
Second is a phone call from one of WAW's closest friends. He is adamant D is the only option. I disagree with him on this.
However, he did reiterate somethings that I already knew. WAW has EA on me twice before marriage. Once very early in our relationship and once after a family death. I believed that we had worked through these to a point that M was possible (obviously we didn't properly address the root cause - what she wanted in a relationship). What shocked me is when he said "she was always on the look out for someone better". I need to talk to him more about this. But it's a conclusion reached separately by my FIL when this A was discovered and WAW moved back with the in laws.
This close friend said that he had been disconnected from WAW since he disagreed with her actions and justifications. He could not accept how she was validating the A. He refused her when she asked "aren't you going to take my side?". He is so disappointed that their friendship is only one of small talk now because he is now in the "you don't understand" category (like WAW's family)
I will continue to LRT but I just noticed a shift in how I'm thinking. Before the call above, I had already started to think that there are a lot of WAWs personality that have culminated in this A.
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
Only you can decide if that's the right decision for you. If you believe it is we'll all support you.
If I have learned anything in the past 10 months or so it's to not make knee jerk decisions. I have done so many times in the past. And so just wait a week or two and see how you feel. If you read your post at the top of this page you said it was a rollercoaster of emotion but overall it was going up....so right now you're at a low point.
I get that you wanted that text...because you want to be the person she checks in with during tough times ie leaving the country for a funeral. But you're not right now. Sorry but that's the truth.
