Hi to you all, I have just stumbled across DB in my never ending search for nfo to save my marriage and by far this looks like it has the most promise. I have ordered 2 of Michelles books but as I live in Australia they will take sometime to arrive and I believe I need help soon or there will be nothing left to salvage.
The story so far. About 5 months ago my wife of 8 years (together 10, we have two small kids aged 4 and 18 months) came to me and said she was unhappy in the marriage, gave me the I love you but not in love with you line and said she wants to separate so she can move on and find a better life. This shocked me completely, I knew we were not at the peak of our marriage powers but I did not know she was this unhappy. We wnet to two councilling sessions which were not helpful and my wife canned the rest. She now has no interest at all in reconcilliation and only talks of when she will move out.
Since the announcement I have done every bad thing that many others have talked about on here such as pushing her to try date nights, arguing and fighting about why she wont try to fix the marriage, pleaded, begged and cried often. I have ried to get her to read a bunch of articles on the internet about marriage and making things work. My low point came when I installed spyware on her computer to gain access to her facebook so I could snoop and see if there was an OM involved and to keep tabs on what she was really saying to others. Unfortunately by doing this I found what I interpreted as flirtatious messages between her and a guy she see at her gym. I exploded and sent him a message telling him to back off and confornted her causing a massive fight that has ended any chance of reconcilliation. Looking back the mesages were fairly inocuous and I massively overeacted but the damage has been done.
For the past 6 months to a year my wife has been increasingly leading an independent life. She goes to the gym every night for minimum 1.5 to 2 hours and she is training to compete in a figure competition for muscle bound heroes or some such. Basically as soon as I get home from work she packs up and leaves me to feed, bath and put the kids to bed, which I love doing as I love my kids more than anything and cause I work shifts and long hours I dont see them as much as I would like to. She does not work and spends a good part of her day on facebook talking to people who do nothing but tell her to get out ASAP.
I know now that I have pushed her too hard too fast and should have given her time and space but at the time it seemed if I did that she would just up and leave and never come back.
Please can anyone give me some advice as to what steps I should take to save my mariiage. As I said the books are on their way but if there are things I can do in the interim to get the ball rolling I want to start them and hopefully keep my family togther.
The advice to save your marriage is counterintuitive. Let her go.
She is asking for SPACE, give it to her. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
I'm in the same boat as you..... its hard, I wish I knew the secret.... the truth is in the days ahead you will start to think it would be better if you were goong to her funeral.... a death is easier to deal with and offers a chance for closuer, unlike divorce....
Me: 37 W:33 S: 2 M: 9/5/09 Suspected: 1/7/12 Confirmed: 2/10/12 Served: 3/29/12 W moved out 3/30/12 First court 5/17/12 HELP!
Thanks Cadet for your reply. I am gonna try yo follow these suggestions but as you say it will be hard. My biggest fear is the loss of quality time with my kids. Because I work shifts sometimes I may only see them for a couple of hours or an hour before bed each night but I really value and love this time. When she leaves it will be very scripted, regemented days each and that will be hard. The GAL is hard because all of my friends are married with kids and find it hard to spend nights out etc. I do play golf at least one a week and will no longer pu off games so she can do her things. Still cant believe this is happening to me
So I have been putting up the happy, confident front and acting as if I am not bothered about our situation and it has been noticed. She said to me yesterday, why are you so happy, you are acting so smug. I was not, I was just putting all the crap behind me and GAL. Did I go too far though for her to be saying these things? She is still planning on putting our house on the market next week I believe and moving out which is really rubbish given the current real estate market. We have not fought all week and have not mentioned our problems. I have instead focused on my kids and given them all my attention.
Mother's day here in Australia today and that hits hard knowing this will likely be our last one together as a family. Got to hold it together. Not seeing any hope of reconciliation yet
The thing I am struggling the most with is knowing how to change. I have worked hard to be a good father, provider and I feel I have accomplished this and gotten better over time. Clearly I have not been the best husband but I dont know why. Can you be too soft? I have let her have more freedom in the last 6-12 months to pursue her interests as I felt this was reasonable after being nothing but a mum for 5 years. I have always tried to be affectinate and tell her how beautiful she looks etc whereas she ahs never really initiated affection or sex in very long time. But thsi was normal for us because she had weird ideas that if she "seduced me" that makes her a whore even though I am her husband. I have thought back to who I was when we first dated and that person is still me but now I am also a father and provider. Any help appeciated.
I have mae a couple of posts but they have not shown up but anyway. My wife is still in the house and no talk of leaving so far this week. I have maintained a happy front and been determined to be more proactive in GAL although I already have a few outside interests. Have maintained minimal contact when I am not near her and she seems happier. I still dont believe she will want to make this work as a married couple simply because sheis stubborn and has made a decision and does not want to be seen as weak by all those people who told her how strong she is. Fingers crossed
My wife came home today and I was looking at the property market in our area just to get a feel for what is out there as I still believe she will split eventually and honestly if things dont improve I will be the one to leave, I dont want a loveless marriage with no intimacy or affection. Anyway, she reacted interestingly asking me if I was gonna move out and was not real happy. I said I was just preparing in case the slit happened and I only want her to be happy and if she is not with me then we will separate for a time. I also said that I have the right to happiness as well and if she is unable or unwilling to be a part of my happiness then I WILL be the one to go. Felt damn good to turn things around and see how she felt. I believe I am in a much better place thanks mainly to the things I have read on this forum. I know now that if she leaves life will go and in the end it will be her massive mistake
So.... no input from others to my post yet which is a little disheartening. It would be nie to get some ideas and thoughts from others in similar situations. Anyway. I had a bit of backslide today and we ended up talking a bit about our relationship, nothing heated which is good but I left the conversation knowing full well that she is not invested in this at all and still seeks an avenue to leave. The only reason she is staying is financial comfort which is pretty terrible I think. I have really been struggling with the lack of intimacy and sex (we have not had any for almost 6 months) and this drove me to ask her if we could at least be "friends with benefits". Of course her answer was, I dont want it or need it so a big fat NO. Stupid of me I know but I have needs and desires that have gone unfulfilled for a long time but in the end if I have to choose between sex and my kids then it is a no brainer. Any suggestions, ideas, thoughts or support would be great
