i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[nhmom]

I thought it was written honestly and beautifully. Once labug suggested the changes, I could understand why, and do agree.

I do feel that maybe you need some kind of segway in the middle. You said that things are not working for you, and then you go into needing to discuss the house, finances, etc. Perhaps it might not be clear what it is that you want. To me (and maybe to most here) it seems that you want to go separate ways, while still continuing to co-parent. But I'm not sure it would be clear to your H.

It's an incredibly hard thing to put in words, and even harder to take the next step and give it to the WAS. ((((BF))))

[BFloat]

i wanted to discuss finances because right now.. it's all intertwined. all our income goes into one acct and the bills are all paid out of there. he currently doesn't have his own space and is staying w/ his dad (who is probably not the best person to be staying with). having the finances joint actually benefits me because he pays half the mortgage etc. but i am wanting to try and figure out what will be in both our best interests. ie. he will know exactly how much he if responsible for in terms of financial support for the kids and therefore can make a plan for his own finances (hence getting his own place.. whether he needs to pick up a second job etc). and for me.. i will pick up more shifts at work if necessary etc.

feedback is good. it was really difficult to write because i didn't want to make him feel bad or guilty etc. i don't know.. i'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants here.

[Accuray]

I would only change one small thing -- "what your financial obligations are". I would change that to "what our financial situation is", make it a mutual thing.

Otherwise, it was awesome, and can you please send it to my W too?



Accuray

[BFloat]

thanks for you kind words joyful. as much as it's been difficult and painful.. there is the blessing of rediscovery. it's a continuing journey.. lol

[sayitaintso]

Its from your heart and its your truth, I think its great.

I feel priviledged to witness your strength and have you as a friend.

[<-{((BF))}->]

[vera be fierce]

((bf))

[mr mr]

Only change what doesn't honestly and clearly express what is in your heart.
((((BF))))

[ces67]

(((BF)))

Good suggestions from the ladies. Stick to what you feel. Talk about what your needs are (child care, plans confirmed arrangements).

Express what you feel you need to express. Get out what you need with only expectations for yourself and howmyounwant to move forward from here.

You are in my prayers.

[25yearsmlc]

how are you BF?


Please don't disappear if you two divorce. I think it is SO important that people posting here understand

that while not all the marriages get saved, or can be, ALL LBSers CAN grow and be happy again

regardless of what happens to their marriages...so for you to have come so far and grown so much in a relatively short time

means we/they will benefit from hearing how your new life that YOU create, goes.

And who knows, your h may wake up. There are at least 2 people on this site who reconciled after divorcing and being apart for 5 and 6 years, and I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried years later too.

It happens.

But perhaps MORE importantly is that no matter what your h does,

we want to know what you create for yourself, if it fulfills you,

if you meet another man and have another r, if that is a better healthier one for you,

really it's about

people in pain wanting to know what is on the other side of this pain...

and you'll be a valuable resource no matter what else happens with your h.

Thanks for all your work here. SO valuable.

And btw, I like the letter you wrote but agreed with all of Labug's changes b/c that's where you were speaking for him

or saying 'Your financial" obligations rather than both of yours...and last,

I also think your h is incredibly confused. He may not know exactly what you mean when you say you want to move forward. For all I know, he'll think you mean attend another RV session...

I think if you are ready to send the letter, be clear about what it is you are saying.

What is it, exactly, you are ready to do? Separate finances? Date OPs? File?

But when in doubt, don't...

and keep us posted!

((( )))

[BFloat]

I'm baaaaaccccckkkkk...

wasn't sure where to start so thought i would give an update.

25 - thank you for your heartfelt message. i think i'm in a good place. and hopefully i can give back to someone who can benefit from feeling they are not alone.

hmmmm.. so H and i completed RV. we are not R.. we are not together.. but i am so glad i had the chance to go. because i learned a lot more of myself and i had moments of clarity that i might not have otherwise seen had i not gone.

when i look at where i was 9 months ago, i can't even recognize who i was. and i never envisioned that it would be possible to find some happiness again. in all honesty.. i don't even remember what it feels like to be married to H anymore. i don't remember that feeling of knowing he was coming home to me.

H and i get along fine. we're cordial.. friendly.. hard to imagine that he was my best friend. i don't share a lot of my life these days and he doesn't share a lot of his life. he continues to txt random messages asking how my day was.. wishing me a good night.. i don't initiate contact unless i have to.

i want him to be happy. i honestly do. i'm giving it a bit of time before i bring up the whole.. getting his own place thing again. my focus is now stability for the kids.. for all of us. i'd like to sit in my home.. look around.. and really feel that it's mine. paint my walls.. put up pics of friends.. and have people over whenever i feel like it.

i've been really thinking about what i want in my life. trying to define who i am? and that's in all aspects of my life. do i want to start dating? what am i looking for there? is it time to start taking a couple of courses to get into a specialty area at work? i have new friends.. love them!! they are like family...

in the end.. i love H dearly. we shared 12 yrs of our life together. because it is now ending.. i don't see it as a failure anymore. because we have 2 beautiful kids.. and we did have many great moments where we laughed and shared amazing experiences (like seeing elephants on my 30th bday!). i still am a firm believer in marriage. but it came to the point where i had to let go to find myself.. and honour him enough make his choices. i can't predict the future. maybe H and i will reconnect on this journey.. but maybe we won't. i'm just continuing on my life and not letting it pass me by..

i'd love to try to give back what i've received here on the boards but frankly.. i'm not even sure where to start! lol. i'll muddle through and see what input i can give. if anyone has suggestions.. please don't hesitate to point me in the right direction!