thank you for all the feedback! it really has given me a lot of things to think about! i'm going to try the advance mode of quoting and answering comments. lol.
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
(((BF))) What I read is that you are struggling with forgiving him.
rick.. i think i have forgiven him. in the sense that i realize he is doing what he feels he needs to do. but i will say that i do not trust him. that is something i have been really struggling w/ for over 2 years since i found out about his PA. the difficult part is that he clearly stated in MC that he had no desire to rebuild that trust. i am not closed to R.. i just see a lot of hurdles if we ever decided to.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
No I don't read it as needing validation but that you are unable to LET GO with out having some sort of EXPECTATION or control mechanism.
Maybe this is a step in that direction.
Maybe you need some reason to LET GO.
I think that the RV gave you some sort of false EXPECTATIONS. I wish it were that easy, but this is really hard stuff.
What does "DONE" look like?
cadet, you are probably right about RV and the expectations. i had hope. hope = expectations? it's sometimes a blur to me. lol.
i'm not quite sure what you mean by maybe i need some reason to let go. i do need to let go. i guess that's what i meant by being done.
what does "done" look like for me. it's about moving on with my life. i love H. even through all the bad times.. there have been way more good. and i know when he loved me.. he truly loved me. but by being done.. i need to move forward. because H is on his own path. whether that path crosses with mine again remains to be seen. but he may never become the man i need him to be.. and i may never be the woman he needs me to be. does that make any sense?
Originally Posted By: ces67
(((BF)))
Its seems that reaching out to your friend is part of closing the door on your M. Not sure if that's how you see it or not. At some point you do need to move on with you. And you know that the choice of your H joining you on that journey is his and not yours.
Can you tell me why calling your friend was out of your comfort zone? What part made you nervous?
i have always had a lot of guy friends. i think i end up in the unintimidating.. reserved good girl that guys like to confide in. lol. and in a group setting.. i am usually the last one to get noticed.
so what made me nervous was the fact that i have been w/ H for 12 yrs. after M, i cut off a lot of those friendships. i only kept the guy friends that i was comfortable introducing H to and including him in those interactions.
this phone call was to someone H does not know. and i think you're right.. it is closing the door on my M in a way.
rick.. ro.. la.. thanks always for the love and support. as much as i need the 2 x 4's.. i need the love too!
the phone call was just a phone call. no more. no less. out of my comfort zone because i always feel so awkward and shy. i am truly a dork. lol. and it was something i definitely would not have done in my M.
as for the teeny weeny bikini?? you have got to be kidding me!!!! lol. i would need maybe 3 of those teeny weeny things to be decent!!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I will speak from what I have been through, and seen....
We ALL seek validation in some shape or form. We all need to feel as though we are special.
When we first start posting here, we pat each other on the back and send out "((hugs))", and "I'm sorry" as if they are the last we will ever get. Many of us take those, and shed a tear, or soothe an anger that is building inside of us. Most of the time though, it brings us a smile, and a feeling of being understood. To some, it makes them feel loved and wanted.
What is that, other than a validation ?
What is calling a friend, and having an ear to bend, other than validation ???
What is posting on FB that you are feeling down, and having that contact make you feel loved, other than validation ???
What I am trying to get across, is that through this journey, we tend to lean toward the easy path rather than the path that is open , and brutally honest. We shy away from the questions that "sting" us , because it is easier to say that a person is full of crap, and walk away. The hard part, is having the courage to stand up when we feel the hair stand up on our necks, and ask...." Why did that hurt me so much? "
Once those questions are answered inside, you will validate yourself.
That is where true happiness comes into play. When you can validate your own feelings and actions. Internal validation is one of the hardest things to do, yet one of the most emotionally gratifying things you can do. You smile because it is what YOU want to show the world, regardless of the praise, or the ramifications.
My question to you would be....
IF it isn't true...
Why did Mr Bond's question ruffle you so much ?????
BTW....If you have to "think" that you are done.....you aren't...
so what made me nervous was the fact that i have been w/ H for 12 yrs. after M, i cut off a lot of those friendships. i only kept the guy friends that i was comfortable introducing H to and including him in those interactions.
this phone call was to someone H does not know. and i think you're right.. it is closing the door on my M in a way.
the phone call was just a phone call. no more. no less. out of my comfort zone because i always feel so awkward and shy. i am truly a dork. lol. and it was something i definitely would not have done in my M.
I totally get this^^^. My w has been out of my house for 9 months and the last I heard from her as far as where we stand was that she wanted to D.
Recently I became friendly with another woman and I felt guilty for talking to her because I am currently married. I am still trying to sort out why I feel this way. Maybe it is as you've said that it is closing the door some more but on the other hand I feel like our lives must go on.
The fact that you mentioned calling another guy and then you started feeling better.
I totally understand the feeling of worthlessness that we feel when our spouse's leave us. The reason for GALing is so that the LBS feels confident and strong in themselves without having to rely on someone else to make them feel good. If you don't do that, you will find yourself in the same situation with someone else.
If you can honestly say that you're fine without someone in your life and have increased your self worth, then you're ready for going out with others. Just MHO.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I will speak from what I have been through, and seen....
We ALL seek validation in some shape or form. We all need to feel as though we are special.
When we first start posting here, we pat each other on the back and send out "((hugs))", and "I'm sorry" as if they are the last we will ever get. Many of us take those, and shed a tear, or soothe an anger that is building inside of us. Most of the time though, it brings us a smile, and a feeling of being understood. To some, it makes them feel loved and wanted.
What is that, other than a validation ?
What is calling a friend, and having an ear to bend, other than validation ???
What is posting on FB that you are feeling down, and having that contact make you feel loved, other than validation ???
What I am trying to get across, is that through this journey, we tend to lean toward the easy path rather than the path that is open , and brutally honest. We shy away from the questions that "sting" us , because it is easier to say that a person is full of crap, and walk away. The hard part, is having the courage to stand up when we feel the hair stand up on our necks, and ask...." Why did that hurt me so much? "
Once those questions are answered inside, you will validate yourself.
That is where true happiness comes into play. When you can validate your own feelings and actions. Internal validation is one of the hardest things to do, yet one of the most emotionally gratifying things you can do. You smile because it is what YOU want to show the world, regardless of the praise, or the ramifications.
My question to you would be....
IF it isn't true...
Why did Mr Bond's question ruffle you so much ?????
BTW....If you have to "think" that you are done.....you aren't...
you are right. i do seek connection.. love.. comfort.. if that equals validation.. then that's what i need.
what i read from .007 is
"Yes I can see how you feel like you need another man to make you feel validated. I guess you are one of those who needs to have someone in their lives to feel happy.
Is that what you want?"
yes.. i need people in my life to feel happy. but that's not the only thing. if i didn't need people, i would live a complete life of solitude and be ok with it. (alone in the wilderness comes to mind).
but if the question is whether i need a man to feel validated.. that would be inaccurate. it sounded like i needed another man before i could move on from this one.
did i get upset at the question? not upset.. more surprised because if felt like it came out of left field. trying to understand better whether i am giving off the impression that i need a man to validate me.
as for being done.. i think.. i'm not sure.. i'm getting close.. hence the reflection and taking my time to sort things through.
thanks for the tough words. i have been hoping to see more because i feel like i need it to move forward.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
The fact that you mentioned calling another guy and then you started feeling better.
I totally understand the feeling of worthlessness that we feel when our spouse's leave us. The reason for GALing is so that the LBS feels confident and strong in themselves without having to rely on someone else to make them feel good. If you don't do that, you will find yourself in the same situation with someone else.
If you can honestly say that you're fine without someone in your life and have increased your self worth, then you're ready for going out with others. Just MHO.
lol. i was just thinking about this more!
i didn't feel better after calling another guy. it was simply that i took that step. a few months ago i would have felt guilty. but what is there to feel guilty about?
you are right. in the beginning i was a total mess. what was wrong with me? why wasn't i good enough? and it was awful. my self-worth went completely down the toilet.
i have battled a lot during this time with the question of why i felt i wasn't good enough? why i needed to feel i had to sacrifice myself all the time? who was asking me to be a martyr? no one. only myself.
i can honestly say that i am fine without someone in my life right now. my increased self worth? yes. i can take care of myself. i am perfectly capable of doing what i need to do for myself and my 2 monkeys. whether i'm ready to go out with others remains to be seen. lol. one step at a time!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
"Yes I can see how you feel like you need another man to make you feel validated. I guess you are one of those who needs to have someone in their lives to feel happy.
Is that what you want?"
yes.. i need people in my life to feel happy. but that's not the only thing. if i didn't need people, i would live a complete life of solitude and be ok with it. (alone in the wilderness comes to mind).
but if the question is whether i need a man to feel validated.. that would be inaccurate. it sounded like i needed another man before i could move on from this one.
I read your post much the same way as Bond...
You were down, you made a call, and it happened to be a little risque, with it being this particular guy...
It read as if the only validation that could help you,at that particular time, was his....
Originally Posted By: BF
did i get upset at the question? not upset.. more surprised because if felt like it came out of left field. trying to understand better whether i am giving off the impression that i need a man to validate me.
Coming from a man, who is on the other side of this....
It sounded that way...
Words can be a tricky thing sometimes...
Originally Posted By: BF
as for being done.. i think.. i'm not sure.. i'm getting close.. hence the reflection and taking my time to sort things through.
Is being "done" your goal ????
OR is standing for your marriage while taking the time to improve the things that you don't like about yourself, in hopes that it pays dividends in your next relationship, that may or not be with your current spouse ???
We tend to work toward the goals that we have in our head.
Thinking about being done long enough, will allow you to accept what you may not really want.
Being done isn't a decision, it is a state of mind that takes TIME to get to. Rushing through things, is what regret is made of......
Originally Posted By: BF
thanks for the tough words. i have been hoping to see more because i feel like i need it to move forward.
