I'm new to the forum so I apologize for the long post. My wife and I have been together for over 11 years, married for almost 3. We are in our late 20s. We started dating in high school and have pretty much grown up together. A few years ago we got married and up until recently, things were great. We have a great house, we do a lot of things together, take vacations regularly and I thought we had a good marriage. We never really fought or had issues that couldn't be resolved. Our families are pretty close and we have most of the same friends.
About 2 months ago I noticed that something was off with my wife. She was staying up hours later than she normally would saying she fell asleep on the couch, she started carrying her cell phone every where with her, and she just seemed detached from our relationship or anything else really. To make a long story short, I saw on her phone one day that she was texting with someone else and I asked her about it. She refused to address the text messages saying they were nothing but she instead said that she wasn't sure if she was happy anymore and that I had gotten too complacent - with the things we do, how she plans everything we do, we always hang out with the same people, and with life in general because I was happy where I worked but she wanted me to find a new job to make more money. A lot of this took me by surprise because while she did plan a lot of the things we did together or with others, I focused on making sure we were set financially and long term - basically making sure we could maintain or improve our lifestyle. Never before had she put any of this like that. We talked about those issues and I tried to make changes to things - I started trying to plan more things for us to do on our own and also just tried to change my approach to things.
Unfortunately, I tried to push past what I saw in those text messages and I was in denial up until a few weeks ago. A few weeks after I saw those original messages and we had this conversation, I figured out that she was having an affair with a client of hers. I continued to try and believe her when she would say it was nothing but anytime I would try to confront her about it I would give in and basically believe what she was shoveling. Basically I think it just escalated from casual conversations, to an EA, to now a PA.
I confronted her two Sundays ago about everything, showing her proof that she had been lying to me and that she was seeing this person. She denied having an affair but got upset when I threw the proof in her face. I told her that if she didn't break off this affair and either want to be with me OR work at our issues that I thought it was best if she stayed somewhere else for the time-being. I told her that all I ever wanted for her (and us) was to be happy. If that wasn't with me then I would have to deal with it but she can't continue to string me along. For the next two days she didn't come home, telling me she stayed with a co-worker. That Wednesday she left work early sick and was home when I got home but basically passed out in bed - she had been sleeping in one of the guest rooms for about a week at this point. When she came upstairs I said that we needed to set a time for us to sit down and figure out what was next for us. At first we were going to do it the next night, Thursday, but she didn't come home that night again and then Friday we actually went to a wedding together - which didn't go well. I also don't entirely believe that she stayed with her coworker and instead stayed with him the nights she was out of the house.
The following morning we sat down and talked. I said that we had a few options but that we need to figure out what we were going to do because we can't continue to live like this: work at our issues, take some time apart to continue to figure out what we each want to do, or call it quits and make whatever arrangements we need to. I expressed to her that I certainly didn't want our relationship to end but that I can't continue to live in denial and I need her to be in our relationship. I also said that I was willing to look past her affair but that she had show she was committed to our relationship.
We didn't really speak much over the next week and she went to visit her family for the 4 days before Easter. Sunday night after dinner we spoke again and at this point she told me that she wanted a divorce. She said that she felt guilty for how she had treated me but that she's at the point where she doesn't know what she really wants. She doesn't consider her affair a "relationship" and that it had no bearing on why she doesn't want to be married anymore and that she doesn't want to be with anyone right now. She said that she was tired of doing what everyone else wanted her to do and being pressured into everything.
Needless to say I was not happy with how this conversation was going because I got the impression that she didn't want to be married to me anymore because of reasons that were out of my control - her doing what everyone else wanted her to do, her being pressured by others. I also know that her affair is more than she makes it out to be, at least to me. Basically I tried convincing her to change her mind but at some point I just stopped.
We spoke yesterday morning on the way to work but it wasn't a good conversation and it resulted in my getting angry about everything. At some point we decided that we were going to talk last night about making whatever arrangements we needed to until I suggested that we take some time to clear our heads before having that conversation. She agreed and said she would be home tonight after work.
Do I continue to push for some sort of reconciliation or do I give in and let her go? Despite everything that's happened I still want to work things out with her but I know that I can't control how she feels and at the same time I wonder if I should really be trying this hard to fix things - when in fact I'm the one that's been wronged and it seems like she's basically checked out. At this point I'm absolutely torn.
Welcome to the boards. You are on moderation, so your posts will take some time to show up before the moderators get to know you.
Take a deep breath. So far, what you've been doing is very natural but it will not work. You cannot "manage" this situation on your timeline, and your W cannot will herself to want to be back in this marriage. At this point you have already lost her, so the question is, do you want to work on getting her back, or do you want to let her go?
It's important to acknowledge that you've already lost her, because from that perspective, she owes you nothing. Saving the marriage is entirely up to you, and it is not a shared project.
So first, what do you want?
Assuming that W's affair was equal to your worst imaginings, and assuming that W is not remorseful and may never apologize, do you want her back? What conditions do you have and why do you have them?
Hurt84, you are facing a long road before you. This will not be resolved in days or even weeks. Your W started departing the relationship emotionally long ago, so it can't be restored quickly.
For now, here's what you should do:
1) Read the "DivorceBusting" book, let that be your guide
2) Give your wife space. Absolutely do not pursue her, push for meetings etc. Do not discuss your relationship at all. Just give her space and "act as if" everything is fine with you.
3) Do not do ANYTHING that will make your wife resent you, this is incredibly important. Do not make her responsible for your feelings. Do not scold or chastise her. Do not beg or plead. Do not tell her she's making you sad or hurt or angry. She will resent you for doing all of those things. Do not talk to her family, do not try to get third parties to influence her, just give her space.
4) If you can afford it, speak to a telephone coach on this site. I don't work for this site in any way, I'm a customer. When the bomb dropped on me I can tell you that the DB coach was the best money I ever spent, they really know their stuff.
Post more about what lead up to this and what YOU want, and I or others here will give you some more guidance. In the meantime, read some other threads. Check out JKS and HopingandPraying.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks for the reply. One thing I left out in my original post about us was that we do not have children.
Since I made my post yesterday morning my wife and I had probably the most honest conversation to date about our issues last night and what's next for us. In the end I'm basically working my way up to a NC approach but struggling to get there.
In talking last night about her affair, she continues to downplay the role it has played in our relationship. I know more about it than she realizes and she's not being honest with me about how far it has gone. I think part of that is that she's embarrassed that it became what it is. She did say that all of this has been unfair to me and she feels guilty for what she's put me through.
We also discussed many of the issues that she brought up in regards to why she has been unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fact that it seems that she doesn't see us as compatible anymore. She wants to travel and do different things and consider looking for work elsewhere, while I'm am more typically a homebody and content with the life that we have (or had). While she understands now that there are compromises that can be made, she feels that any changes would just be putting a band-aide on the situation. When she mentioned that she plans everything we do and I tried set up different things for us to do, she said that she resented the changes I made because it was like I was trying to overcompensate for the problem in the first place. Basically she was justifying for herself why she was unhappy. I don't blame her for being unhappy, I just wish that she would have talked to me about it sooner so it didn't get to this point.
Last night I suggested that we take time apart before taking any serious, official steps towards D. Up until this point she thought that we would be able to coexist in our house and stay out of each other's way. I think in talking about everything the way we did last night, she finally realized how unrealistic that is given everything going on. She is going to be moving out over the next week and a half and either move home with her mom or get her own place. I told her that I would help her in the process but I think that time apart is important for us so we can see what we both really want. I also said that it was important so we can focus on ourselves without constantly being on top of each other. Last night was also the fist time that she cried or seemed upset (at least to my knowledge) about everything - she specifically got upset when we were talking about how/when we would tell our friends and family and then again when discussing her moving out.
We have a vacation planned with friends of ours next month and weekly tickets to baseball games that we purchased right before everything came to a head. She thinks we should go on the trip together A) because we invited our friends to go and that it would be rude to abandon those plans and B) that it could be a good opportunity to get away from the issues at home and see what happens. I'm a little more skeptical but willing to at least see where it goes. We agreed with the baseball tickets that those we would play by ear but probably either go on our own to the games or sell them.
I don't plan to approach her to talk about our relationship again until she approaches me. The next conversation I expect us to have about what's next is her plans for moving out.
What do I want? Honestly, up until this point I thought it was to work things out with my wife. I was willing to bend over backwards to make changes and work through the issues surrounding her affair. In going through this process I've come to realize that I don't know if that's really what's best, especially if she isn't in it anyway. Why force myself to change or accept what she's done wrong to me if she's not willing to do the same or show remorse?
I know it's not an easy road ahead but at the very least I know I'll land on my feet - whether that's with her or not. Any thoughts or advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to make the changes I need for myself but being with her is basically all I know so it isn't coming easy to me.
Also, now that it's looking like she's going to be moving out, I'm also concerned for us both financially. She doesn't typically handle anything with our finances - I pay the bills, make sure we have the funds we need available when we need it, etc. While I'm pretty confident I could manage to afford to keep our house afloat for some time, I'm concerned that she would have a hard time handling the financial burden of being on her own. We get by now but we both work to afford the life we have, if one of us leaves that drastically changes things.
Is this something I should be concerned about at this point or am I thinking too far ahead, or am I worrying about something that really isn't something I should be worried about?
Should I point out how big of a change it would be for her?
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Sorry for the repeated posts, I know I'm new and I'm on moderation.
One additional point, Accuray pointed out and I've read on here and other forums that I shouldn't talk to her family about our issues or get third parties involved. What do I do if they come to me asking what is going on or looking to help?
The reason I ask that is both her sister and mother are aware that things aren't going well between us. I'm close with SIL and her boyfriend so naturally over these 2 months our situation has come up in conversation. My wife hasn't spoken to either her mother or sister about any this, even with them trying to reach out to her. That's very odd for her because she is generally pretty close to them. She's basically avoiding talking about it with anyone that "matters" - her mom, sister, close friends. The only people she's talking to or seeking advice from that I can gather is a co-worker of hers who is a few years younger, has her own relationship issues, and is probably only getting the parts of the story she wants to tell.
I don't want to bring others into our business and either put them in a bad spot or have her resent the fact that they know and she wasn't the one to tell them. But I also don't want to completely shut them out because they've been very supportive through everything.
Thanks!
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I don't know if this is a good or bad thing but she's definitely accepted that she's going to be moving out. She said that she started looking at apartments but would only consider going to her mothers as a last resort.
Unfortunately, she's looking at places closer to work which is approximately 40 mins from home.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I think she stopped wearing her rings. She normally takes her rings off when she gets home at night but she usually puts them in the same spot - now I can't seem to see where she has them. Wonder if she takes them off when she gets in the car or something and just started leaving it there.
I noticed yesterday that I lost a notch on my belt. I'm no where near overweight but I had wanted to shed a few pounds and I started running after work. I think most of it has more to do with my lack of a normal appetite since all this started back in February. Trying to make sure I eat and take care of myself but it gets hard to do at certain points.
We're supposed to go to dinner with our friends tomorrow. I'm torn between going or not. I'd be meeting them all there from work so she would be going there with them. I'm tired of pretending to everyone that everything is fine.
Only a week to go before she moves out...at least when we agreed she would.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
She called me a little while ago all excited that she found an apt she thinks she can afford. Not sure what I'm holding on to, she's obviously already let go.
It's at least a little closer to home than where she was originally looking. Not sure if she realizes that cheap apartments aren't always the nicest. It's almost like even with this she's just acting on impulse.
She wants to talk about how we are going to split up the finances when she moves out either tonight or tomorrow. I get the feeling she's trying to run as fast as she can.
Yet we are still going to dinner with friends tonight...
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Dinner last night was fun. It was good to do something to get my mind off things. She wants me to go look at an apt with her. Its closer to home than where she works. When talking about furnishing it she said she didnt want to buy too much in case she moves back in.
Maybe shes not completely gone...
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
You asked on your other post about what to do over the next week. I would continue to follow Accuray's advice.
But also, in reading all your posts, I sense that every waking minute of your days now is consumed with what she is doing and what she is going to do.
Create some time and do plenty of fun activities for yourself that you can still be proud of when you wake up the next morning. Right now all of your thoughts are basically dependent on your wife. Why not spend several evenings by yourself golfing (or whatever you like to do) or having a beer and wings with a buddy or two? You need to do some things that are fun that will help take your mind off things a little. The only escapes you seem to have mentioned still have to do with activities the 2 of you do together, like dinner with friends but with her.
Create some time and do plenty of fun activities for yourself that you can still be proud of when you wake up the next morning. Important though, if you do hang out with a buddy or 2, DO NOT bring up your problems, for that is the last thing you should do. Rather, just do your best to simply take some control of your mental health back. Also, do not do this to get her to notice, even though she will. Rather, do it simply because you want to have a better time with your evenings than you have been having lately.
One thing that's important not to do though, which I noticed you said twice, is that YOU are the one who has been wronged here. And while you have been wronged, she is not going to feel that you are the only one who has. Right now she feels she has legitimate reasons for wanting out, and it's hard for a person to control how they feel and to ignore an unfulfilling feeling. This is very real to her. So if you think and act like a victim, that is not something she will ever warm back up to.
I wish you all the best here. This is the worst time when you feel like all the wheels are starting to come off and you don't know what to do. Just try to not to hang on her every move and action, but rather, make some actions of your own. Live your own life too.
I wish you well.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
