My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[ben11]

This is something I need to work on. I tend to dress well (I have to for work), but on my down time I just wear what is comfortable. I guess I should focus on wearing nice clothes for H as well. I also want to start wearing my perfume again. H always comments that I smell good whenever I wear it. I can't wear a lot of it to work, but a little spritz here and there should be fine.

Start immediately. Dress up, wear perfume, and meet a friend for coffee. Don't tell him what you're doing. Be mysterious and when he asks (because he will) be as vague as possible.

[timbits]

That is actually a very good idea. I have a friend that I've been meaning to meet up with and I'll give her a call so we can hang out again. Miss her. I wore some perfume to work this morning and am focusing on trying to look my best. Getting a new hair cut this weekend, as well, and Mom and I are shopping for some new clothes tonight.

Guess this is a new 180 as well as GAL. The coffee thing is actually perfect as he used to go out for coffee all the time with OW. Not that I'm trying to make him jealous, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander...

[timbits]

Didn't go out shopping last night. Went to dinner with my parents, which was nice. Went to The Keg, which I always enjoy. Had a nice evening, went home, watched some TV and vegged out. It was relaxing. H came home and started in on my lingering cough. Apparently I wasn't covering my mouth as much as he would prefer. I was a little annoyed and told him to stop complaining and to leave me alone. He said, "What's wrong with you? What happened today to put you in a mood?" I was like WTF???!?! I was just sitting on the couch, watching TV and he jumped all over me. I just told him nothing was wrong, that I was trying to watch TV and it would be nice if he could just leave me alone. He shut up after that. I really think that is a perfect example of him projecting his feelings onto me. I was actually in a really good mood until he came in and ruined it.

I have made a decision. I'm going to be just fine. Whatever happens with my R, whether we stay together or not, I'll be fine. I know I will. I'm not going to stay in a relationship that makes me miserable or makes me feel bad about who I am. That is what true DB-ing is about, in my books. I'm going to focus on the only things I can control and change, and that is me. If H doesn't want to grow with me, that's his problem. This bus is leaving the station. He can either get on board or be left behind. I love him more than anything, but I realized that I need to love myself, as well. And I haven't done that for a long time. How can I expect anyone to love me when I can't even like, let alone love, myself?

The thought of not being with H is terrifying. We've been together since I was 16. But I know I'll be ok. I know that everything will work out in the end. But working out and being ok isn't contingent on being married to H. Like I said, I'm not looking to divorce him, I'm going to fight for the M, but not at the expense of losing myself.

[timbits]

Super excited. Apparently, at the craft fair, there is a local woman who is on a national morning show here in Canada. Mom sold her a pair of earrings and she is now wearing them on air! Feel really weird, but in a good way, about this! Hahaha, the girls at work are excited, too. I haven't made any new jewellery this week, but will totally get my butt in gear and make some new pieces tonight! Great GAL!

Also decided to start going to the gym next week. I have a friend who is a total Gym Rat, and she's always bugging me to go with her. Well, I guess I'd better start. Completing the bucket list made me realize that I had to be in better shape for a lot of these things, so I'd better get on it. You live life once, so you might as well live it to the fullest.

H was a bit crabby this morning. Last night, on the way home, he dropped me off and then went to the drug store for a few things. He gave me his house keys that also have the key to his desk. I went in and laid them on the kitchen table so he wouldn't miss them (there was only two pieces of mail on the table, so it was pretty easy to see). Anyway, this morning, of course he can't find his keys. He said that if he can't find the keys, he'd have to call in sick because he wouldn't be able to unlock his desk to get his computer, it was all my fault, blah blah blah. I told him that I put them on the table and he must have taken them back. Well, he couldn't remember doing so (H has a TERRIBLE memory at the best of times), so it must not have happened and I lost the keys.

He found them in his coat pocket. I could see he was a little sheepish about this. Normally I would have gotten mad back at him and probably made him feel stupid, but I just ignored it. I told him that maybe it would be best if he kept his desk key on his pass card (there's a key ring on it) so that he could keep track of it. He said that was a good idea. This is a 180 for me. But I bit my tongue and pretended that it wasn't really happening. Went to work and I won't mention it any more.

[timbits]

H was a lot more affectionate last night and this morning. We went to dinner at my parents' home and they kept saying how I needed cough syrup (still have a chest cough, going on my second week at this point) and H kinda perked up and went to the drug store for me. This morning he was being silly with me, which is usually a good sign for him.

I think he is noticing that I'm pulling back a little. I still talk to him and act happy around him, but I'm more sparse with my words. I definitely try to keep the conversation to a minimum. Well, at least on my end. I don't initiate as much. I leave it for him to start a conversation.

Hopefully it will all work out, but I decided that regardless of what happens, I WILL be OK. I know I'll be fine, whether we D or stay M. I will be happy and healthy and do whatever it takes to get there. I am starting to love myself, which is a good first step. How can I expect H to love me when I don't even like myself?

[ben11]

Timbits,

Looks like your situation is slowly improving, and you're gaining some peace and perspective. It's a nice feeling knowing you'll be OK no matter what happens isn't it? Loving yourself is also a very good thing, so keep working on that.

Keep going to the gym and eating well. Healthy body = healthy mind. Healthy mind = better prepared to deal with the rollercoaster that is our lives.

... and hey, maybe that cough will clear up soon too Keep it up you're doing well.

[timbits]

Things had a lovely turn for the better this morning. I was a little quieter than normal last night and H really noticed it. He kept asking what was wrong, I told him nothing was wrong. And I wasn't doing the passive aggressive "Nothing. Sigh". I HATE that. His mother does that, and so does my sister every now and then. Anyway, I just smiled and said I was playing a game on my laptop and didn't really have anything to say.

Anyway, this morning, I got up a bit early (9am on a Saturday is early for me, lol) and got a shower. Went back into the bedroom to dry off, moisturize, the rest of the womanly routine. Anyway, I was sitting on the bed and H rolled over and started to snuggle with me. This was nice. I have felt very unattractive for a while and worried he didn't find me sexy anymore. Well, I don't have to worry about that. Probably TMI, but we had some fun. I was so happy that I nearly cried after. He saw that I got a little teary and asked what was wrong, and I said nothing was wrong, but I was very happy that we had been intimate. He said that with me being sick and needing some space in that department, he didn't want to push things, but that he definitely found me attractive and that he loved me. I gave him a hug and said that really meant a lot to me.

I've decided to initiate intimacy more with H. I know he finds it sexy and that he doesn't want to push me too hard. I just feel better knowing that it's not all for naught. I love him and I know that he loves me. I also know that being physically intimate is how he expresses love and that if I initiate it, it makes him feel loved. I express love in other ways, mainly verbally and through actions, but it's important to him to have the physical aspect of the relationship expressed. I will take some ownership and express my love to him in the way he needs.

He went out to a party tonight. I'm tired and wanted to spend the evening making some jewellery (finishing some necklaces that were big sellers, as well as repairing some pieces I gave my mother). He asked if I minded him going out (he may spend the night at a mutual friend's house and I told him I didn't mind at all, that I expected him to either get a cab home tonight or come home early tomorrow morning so we could go to my mother's (his parents' are having dinner in the evening, so my mom's in the am, his in the pm) for mother's day. He said that would not be a problem. I am really starting to trust him again. Every now and then I have a niggling feeling of doubt, like he may be having another EA, but I know how it affected him before, so I don't think he's doing it again. I need to let go of the doubt and trust him. We can't make this work without trust.

I have my appointment with my IC on Tuesday. I am kind of looking forward to it. The stress is difficult and I feel like I'm living a lie a lot of the time. My family doesn't know what is going on, and neither does his family or any of my friends know. When the bomb dropped about the EA, I spoke to my sister about it very briefly as she went through something similar with her fiance and they worked through it. But she doesn't know it progressed into a PA and we don't talk about it any more. I tend to be a very private person and my family very much respects this. They know that if I don't mention it then they shouldn't pry. Anyway, the IC is more for me to vent what has been going on and help me deal with it.

On the GAL front, I'm still busy making jewellery. I got a hair cut and am focusing on dressing better even when dressed casually. I try to wear perfume for H and wear jewellery (it's funny, I make it but don't really wear it). My mother and I are taking a mini-vacation and flying across the country to visit my sister in a few weeks. My sister is getting married in the Bahamas and we're throwing her a shower. She only thinks my mother is coming, has no idea that both myself and my aunt (who is my mother's twin and very close to us) is coming and will be at the shower. So I'm busy planning things with the other bridesmaid and mother of the groom. And I hope to take my mother on a whale watching/ice berg tour that happens each summer locally, so I'm planning that, too. That's also something that would be crossed off my bucket list (see a whale in the ocean). I'm also going to go for a walk at least three times this week after work. Not so much for fitness, but to de-stress after work.

Phew. That was a long one! Oh, and my cough is MUCH better today. Should be gone by next week, hopefully, but I'm going to knock on wood as I type this...

[timbits]

Things are still going well. We had a lovely weekend. H ended up going to that party and staying at a friends house overnight and got the bus home early the next morning. He had a good time, but said it was a lot of hassle involved to get there and back (wasn't blaming me for not driving him). His parents thought it was weird that he went to the party and I didn't. I just said I wasn't in the mood (LOOOOONG week at work) and his mother said I should have told him he couldn't go either. I was like, ummmmm, we're not attached at the hip, he's a grown man and if he wants to go to a party with mutual friends, I don't really care. I just don't want to go myself. I think it's healthy that we can go do seperate things at times. We do spend a lot of time together.

Sunday was nice, went to my mother's house in the day then his mother's in the evening. Dinner was nice, not too much tension with his family as his mother was a little peeved that we haven't really spoken to her much since we've been home. But, not my problem. Maybe if she wasn't so negative and nasty, we'd want to spend more time with her.

H is still more affectionate. He kissed me goodbye this morning and he is being his usual silly self. It feels really nice. I don't think he realized how affected I was by his distance. I tried to keep it to myself, but I don't really know how successful I was at this.

[timbits]

Had my appointment with my IC today. She agrees that I need to start taking care of myself, but said she doesn't think I should focus on weight loss right now because it "would just be another thing to beat yourself up over". She said that I have to learn to set firm boundaries with both my H and my family. I tend not to do this and it drives me crazy. She said that he is responsible for his actions and I am responsible for mine and that I had to decide if I was staying in this marriage out of fear of abandonment or because I truly want to stay married. I love him and want to be with him, but I don't really like who I've become lately. I don't know if I can change that, but I want to try.

H is being ok, still more of the same, but I feel like he thinks everything is blown over and we're fine and dandy. Well, we're not. I never even got to address my own issues because he was in crisis. The IC (who was also our MC) said that she really worried about me after our sessions ended and that she felt I wasn't even remotely scratching the surface of getting over the A. I agree. I'm still very hurt over it. I feel like H doesn't respect me. I don't know if that is true, but I need to work on why I feel that way and if it is justified.

I think I'm in for the long haul in this marriage, but not at the expense of who I am.

I still have some thinking to do. I'm just going to let it all marinate, lol. I'm not making any decisions right now on what will happen or what I will do. I know that this is not the time for that. But I have to think about what I really want and not be afraid of it.

[timbits]

Things are going well. H was a bit crabby again yesterday on the drive home (he hates the traffic), but I just tuned him out and enjoyed the ride home, relaxed with the window down as the weather is lovely here lately (which rarely happens, especially during this time of year). If he is cranky again today, I'll offer to drive home. There's some construction going on, but it doesn't really bother me. Maybe that will put him in a better mood. If he wants to drive, I'll just relax and tune him out again.

I'm still letting my most recent IC session sit and marinate on my brain. A lot of what she said made sense. We also discussed improving myself (which is part of my GAL). She didn't really seem to think that dieting was a good thing at this point for me. She said that if it wasn't 100% successful, it would just be something else to beat myself up over. I kind of agree with her. I don't think I could be successful at it right now. I'm trying to do what is right with my health and my body, and if I lose weight, great. But I'm not going to focus on weight loss right now. I do feel pretty bad about myself. I talk a good talk about being confident and independent and happy with myself, but the bottom line is that I hate who I am. I don't even like myself. I don't care for myself because I don't think I'm worth it. I know that a lot of this stems from the abuse, but I really feel that I'm deeply flawed on an intrinsic level.

I talked with her about how I didn't like the term "survivor". I know that the technical term for people like me is "adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse" (which is a mouthful), but said that I hated that term. I mean, 6 year olds don't kill themselves. I didn't have to fight off bears. The IC said it was worse than fighting off bears because bears are a known threat, the person who hurt me was insidious and manipulative, which emotionally hurts more. It made some sense to me, but I don't want this to be the one thing in my life that defines who I am as a person. I guess this is why I have to go to IC. Just wishing it away isn't working. I'm more than what that man did to me as a child. I'm much more than that. I don't really know who I am, but I know I'm not just a d@mn victim.

This is a bit off topic for DB-ing, but it is about improving who I am. I'll get there eventually. I'll become a woman H would be crazy to leave. But I've got to do it honestly and with integrity to the process or it will be fake. I'm not just going out and getting a hair cut and meeting H in the doorway dressed in cellophane to revive my marriage. I'm becoming the woman he deserves as a wife. It's up to him to become the man I deserve as a husband.