You know Ro, I think the key, if you want to keep on keepin' on, is to let him go. Really release him in your heart and mind and then live your life accordingly.
Easier said than done but worth a try. Act as if.
I can't even figure out how to do that. I was a little further along with my mind last week. Then I think his being helpful and all snagged me again. Most days his actions and OW bother me, but not that much. I mean I know its going on, but I just go on with my life.
I know I'll never understand H's actions. I think today, I had just had enough. It's strange to me that he says he's struggling with his A, but is making no moves to end it or move out. I guess because I'm decisive person, and once I make a decision it's done. Right or wrong. I don't understand all trickery and back and forth.
I'm better now, but feel like I may never get detached from this. I GAL, and as soon as I get back here and see him, it starts all over again. It's not like we have a huge house to hang out in separate rooms. And I'll be d@mned if his still being here is going to have me avoiding my own home.
I need to pray about what I want next. God was telling me to "be still". And I did that for two months. I'm so jacked up emotionally now, I need to go back to Him for some more direction. Clearly, I'm not doing something right here.
H came in to me around 1am this morning crying saying he's so so sorry. I said to myself here we go again. I was only partially asleep and could feel his presence in the doorway. He sat down on the bed crying saying he was just so so sorry.
This happened before...when I brought up OW right after the bomb. He pulled himself together (or so I thought), told me to go back to sleep, and kissed me on my forehead. I hear him STILL crying in the living room, so crazy me goes out there.
He's literally all to pieces. I sit down and just rub his back. No real reaction from me. I ask him to tell me what is going on for him to be acting like this. He never answers, but is finally able to get it together. I come back to bed and he stays on the couch.
I'm beginning to think there's some other stuff going on here. I don't think he was crying to get a reaction. Given some of the other stuff I know about H's recent actions, I'm more positive than ever that he needs counseling or some kind of help.
I didn't get much sleep after that. A migraine started and wouldn't quit. I still have it now. Last night really drained me.
Just made my first DB Coaching appt with Cheryl. I think I've read good things about her on the forum. Any tips for my first session would be good. I will say that I am slightly annoyed that they won't sell you one session at the time in the beginning. I understand why, but it should explained on the website.
H left the house this morning like nothing happened last night. Kissed me goodbye and said I love you. I'm still at home waiting on a trapping company to come finally remove the birds we've had in our exhaust vent for over a year. He told me to call or text him once they got here. I don't get him. How do people live double lives?
I'm having dinner with an old friend I used to work with. I think I mentioned him in a past thread. We're just friends although there is chemistry there. He is divorced and knows I'm married but that we're having problems. I am not looking at this as a date but as just dinner with a friend who can make me laugh, and maybe just maybe offer me some advice. He is very handsome, and seems to be looking forward to this dinner (texted me at 7am asking what time we were meeting) so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to some male attention. But boundaries up! Save the 2x4s for another day.
Hey Ro...Still thinking and praying for you. Sorry I haven't commented in a while. Going through a bit myself as I finally broke it of with the gf. Too much lying and deception. I love myself too much to accept that!
Ro, I went through some of the same stuff while H was still living in the house. I tried to stay detached and GAL, but as soon as I came home and saw him there, I could not help but to be focused on the R and H. He would also have break-downs like the one you describe, and it made my life dramatic in a way that was very draining. Plus, when he was like that I would wonder whether he was re-thinking the S and then would be devastated when it turned out that nothing much had changed.
Although I did not want my H to rent his own apartment and move out, the peace I experience now is very healing for me and maybe for the R as well. We both have our space to think without distraction and find out what we really want. Plus now I know what it is like to live alone and I can make an informed decision without the cloud of fear or desperation. Not saying that I am never fearful or desperate, but I now know that I can successfully live alone, so I don't need to save the M at any cost, just to avoid lonliness. It's an enpowering place to come from.
This may not be the route that you need to go right now, but if you come to the point where you feel you need more space and that your H needs to have more consquences for his actions, just know that a physical S is not necessarily bad for your M. Maybe that's even a 180 for you? Anyway, I understand and good luck.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Hi Ro, just wanted to say you made a good decision in setting up a session with Cheryl, she is the best. I have had two sessions with her and she has been extremely supportive, empathetic, and helpful. My challenge has been putting her suggestions into action as with most of the DB techniques they are easier said than done. Be ready to give her your history from start to finish is really the only preparation I would suggest. I am sure you will feel better after you talk to her, I was feeling no hope on both occasions when I've spoken with her and she had given me some good reasons to have hope by the time our call was finished.
Good Luck and God Bless!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Ro - the sessions are timed so you need to be concise and know what you want to get out of the session. Have all of your background ready to go...name, rank serial #... and maybe put together a list of 3-5 immediate goals or challenges you'd like to address.
You want to make efficient use of the time you have, so avoid talking about the weather, hairstyles, etc. and just get down to business.
You will find that time flies in these sessions.
Also, have a pen handy and take good notes!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Had a great afternoon. The weather was pretty nice so I did some shopping and met my friend John for an early dinner. It was really nice to catch up with him. The chemistry is definitely there so I have to watch it. Its just really great hanging with someone who doesn't know all the details of my sitch and just wants to hang out.
On the health front, I have to go back to the dr on Friday to go over my bloodwork. Evidently they found something they need to discuss with me in person. Lucky me!
H must have figured out after last night I'm headed to Detachment City. He was extra talkative when I got home. Complimented me on how I looked. Asked me if my shirt was new - it is. Asked me about my sizes now that I've lost some weight. The questions were detailed down to which size pant in which store. Even asked if I needed new underwear. (huh?)
I told him that one of the ministers called last night and during the convo asked about him. I told him I didn't want to be the reason he wasn't going to church. I said I didn't want him to think I would act funny. He said he didn't think that and he intended to go back. Said our Pastor had called him and left a message and he planned to call her back this week.
I also asked him what I was supposed to tell the family when I went to NC this weekend and he did not. He told me to tell them some lame excuse. I just shook my head. Then he said that he was planning on going to the Amish market this weekend and wanted me to make a list of things I wanted. I'm beginning to think he had mulitple personality disorder or something.
