I am so glad I read DR. Initially, I was the pleading, begging one when my H said he was 'done'. Then, I came across an email my H had sent to some W. I was soo hurt, after that, I sent him a goodbye letter - in the most loving way I could. I said I agreed that we clearly were not happy with each other, and that I will not stand in his way if he wants a D.
I do have strong boundaries, and I know where I draw the line. After reading DR, to my pleasant surprise, I found that I had enacted one or two of the suggestions instinctually, such as LRT and keeping myself super active. I also asked my H to not contact me because I cannot simply be friends (as he really wants). I've also seriously cut down on telling friends very much, and also I stopped seeing the therapist. She was very good for singletons, but I felt she gave up too easily when it came to our R issues. It had taken me months to get my H to come with me to a therapist and he got very cold feet when we had a few spats during the Christmas period - hence current S. Looking back now, I think he got scared that we would never resolve anything, and we would go back to bickering.
Since reading the DR, I have been as positive as possible, and got affirmed that I am on the right track. My H and I recently started email communication.
I know where I have gone wrong in my R. I knew I had some changes to make and have promised myself to listen to him more, be more appreciative of all the wonderful things my H has done and given to me, and more 'bigging him up". I have begun to do this primarily through email finding every opportunity to compliment him. I realise I have just not done enough of that lately, and most importantly I thoroughly enjoy doing it. It's different to my recent way of being, and I can see it enhancing other areas of my life with work colleagues, friends and family. Fortunately, he does respond very well to that.
SO!!! The question: What continues to confuse me is that I fear he still "just wants to be friends". When he first started with this friends thing, I went along with it. Friends without benefits mind you. I found it heart-wrenching and confusing to just hang out with him, which is another reason why I had to stop seeing him. I didn't like feeling so confused in myself.
His most recent email says that he hasn't been in touch (by phone or in person) just because I asked that of him. That's his way of asking me to let him "in". (We have always been respectful of each other).
I am thinking of letting him in, only that I had wanted him to make an effort to ask me on a proper date. Is this 'code' for him testing things out more? Is this friendship (WITHOUT benefits) 'code' just a safe way of remaining in contact to allow him to see how he feels? If so that is cool with me. Or, is it a way of wanting the cake and eating it too (which I'm not cool with)
Has anyone else heard this here?
Any clarity is most welcomed.
We've been separated since 1/Jan/12. Been together for 17 years, no children.
