Anxiety, boundaries and expectations?

[canadianMrs.]

I'm new here, from MLC. H and I have been in MC since December, and have just started dating each other (exclusively).
We are living in different cities (hour and bit apart) but he is here at least every other day for a visit. The last couple of days I've had mixed feelings about were we are, which suprised me. I worked hard for this. I'm afraid to be hurt/rejected again.
As well, H has said he realizes he is not a good communicator/puts walls up, and that is what we need to work on for a successful marriage. While I agree, I need way more than that, and I've always been able to express myself. How do I let him know all that I would need with out overwhelming him.
Plus, over the months we've become friends, and text frequently through the day. We're still doing this, but I need more to build on our connection. With H's work schedule and the kids activites, scheduling dates is hard. I need to know what to do between the dates (aside from texts) to do build our relationship, but keeping it mind that this is still at a delicate stage.

[Jenna333]

I could have written something very similar, so I don't have advice. (((hugs)))

[angel61]

Mrs. C,

If you are religious, I would advise Retrouvaille. If not, how about suggesting MC?

At this point though, I would say keep it low pressure, no expectations. Its nice to get to know each other slowly, and some.

Perhaps you can enlighten us more by letting us know what kind of textx you send to each other, are they light, funny, is there any talk of feelings, the future, etc.

[canadianMrs.]

We're not religious and we are doing MC. When this all began I had a DB coach, and H talked to her once as well. We then did MC a couple times while A was going on, although I didn't know at the time, and obviously the MC didn't help. After the A came out both of us did IC provided through H's work. It helped somewhat. Now we are going to a MC who is highly regarded in the city. He is not covered through H's work and expensive but we agree that he has been worth the money. We've gone together and separately. The MC wants us now to try without him unless we get stuck. H needs to learn to communicate without MC always there to help. So that is where we are.
The texts are light and fun, sometimes about the kids but not always. Rarely do we talk about us/future, but have said that we do want a future together. We did talk in person last night about that. He could sense something was different with me, and was amazing. He said he knows he has to prove to me I can trust him again and if it takes him telling me every move of his day he'll do it. When we do talk, I do feel like I'm talking to a grown up, which wasn't always the case. Through MC he's finally seen that our differences aren't deal breakers, just different and many times complimentary. He's also realized some of his theories on love and marriage were unrealistic. (ie. not having to work at staying in love!) We have made a lot of progress in the last 11 months. I have to remember not to rush.
I don't even want to rush in reality. I love the life I have made for myself, and I have to be sure that H and I can really work before I can make any more big changes/decisions.
Through MC we've talked about how I'm an extrovert and he's an introvert. That does effect how we move forward too. I don't want to be the one who leads this journey, but at the same time I think H is looking for me to create a connection where he feels safe to open up etc....something he never had growing up (another MC ah-ha moment for H) Oh, the effect his childhood/family has had on him...that could be a novel. I almost fell out of my chair when H said "I didn't learn anything good about marriage from my parents". Progress!
This piecing is hard. You finally see the light, but then realize its still way down at the end of the tunnel.

[angel61]

Wow, that is amazing! yes, your H does sound like he is moving out of the tunnel.

As for you, especially when you are feeling unmotivated, just remind yourself that it works both ways. You have to keep on working on yourself as well, knowing that the feeling of love ebbs and flows, but that the decision to love and commit is something that means you will be there through the bad times and good times.

Have your read some books about M? and life and psychology in general? I reommend Scott Peck's "The road less travelled". Its an old book but it does give good insight on how to deal with life's downs.

[canadianMrs.]

Does anyone else feel that their spouse is hot and cold (or more like cooler)? Sometimes its day to day, sometimes moment to moment. Our MC says he feels there was "score" keeping going on in our marriage. I'm trying not to react to this hot and cool by staying upbeat, but it is unnerving. I wonder if its a test on H's part, because in the past I would have reacted or put a wall up. I'm not even sure if he knows he does it. He has said he knowns he "wears different hats" for different parts/people in his life. This might just be part of that. It's something I think that has always been part of us, but I'm really aware of it now. I will say that yesterday was he was a little cooler to me than usual, but then said today he hadn't felt well. I didn't bring up my feelings/observations so I did appreciate him giving an explanation on his own.

[Jenna333]

My H hasn't been hot and cold, but he has been testing my changes to make sure they're real. Sometimes it unnerves me because I don't feel he's made many changes. Do you feel your H has?

[angel61]

Everyone has ups and downs, and sometimes it gets magnified and noticed more during this time, because we have the spotlight on our spouses.

I feel the same way about my H. I easily feel ignored. When he comes back from a trip and he is cranky, I wonder if he talked touch with xOW. When he is sad, I wonder if he is regretting his decision to stay, or if that its not working out for him.

Once he asked me, after I asked him for the nth time "what wrong?" if he was not allowed to have "off days" just because we were working on reconciliation.

What we don't realize is that we are also in the spotlight. My H once said that he is nervous that I would go off and become angry at him again. When I notice anything negative he does, I can see that he is also hypersensitive to me. And I thought I was being upbeat, but apparently, he also sees me as mood swinging too!

It works both ways, I suppose.

In my case, my H tells me that sometimes, he feels off because what happened comes back to him and he just wants to forget it. He also said that it takes time for the feelings to come back, just like it takes time for the feelings from the EA (wether it be shame, regret, sadness, a lingering emotion) to go away.

I read from an article (and also heard from MWD's you tube talk - you should listen to those) that it takes from 1-2 years for things to start getting back to normal.

I'd say keep the expectations really low for now, and let your H find himself. In many cases, the intellectual realization comes before the feelings.

[angel61]

Oh, and about the different hats - my H once said that he "responds" to people in different ways. He said he treated OW like a princess because thats how she is like (she's actually the daughter of a super rich family, lives in a huge mansion, hordes of servants, etc) but that he loves me for my self sufficiency and independence, but he could not treat me like a princess because I am not one, he treats me in the way I am supposed to be treated....

I get it, and in a way, I am glad that I am not a princess, coz I don't think my H could have survived long with one, but still, I have days I want to be spoiled.....

But now, I realize he does spoil me too, in a different way. Just have to recognize it.

[canadianMrs.]

You've given me a lot to think about. I was comparing all the things he did/gave to OW compared to me, and thinking "Why isn't he like that with me". You are right though, from what I've heard about OW she thinks she is a "princess" too. Her H had more money than my H, but she still expected the same. I do think it would have been iteresting to see what would have happened if they had stayed together longer, only for the reason that H couldn't have maintained the lifestyle she was use to. I doubt she ever saw the apartment he had to move into after he moved out. I never have been one to ask for jewelery etc, so why would H think I would need that now. In a way its me going back to old behaviors, just a different reason me getting upset over expectations he has no idea about (before I would compare him to the man my father was, and then be mad when he didn't measure up...although now I see that he never had the male role model I had, so he was doomed to fail in my eyes)
Today I was still having this "he should be trying harder" feeling, when I look at my phone and there is a text from H asking me if I'd like to go on another date. I realize I need to have a little more faith and patience in this process.