Stuck in Holding Pattern

[ben11]

W received the letter today and sent me a text.
" I just got your letter. I don't know what to say, it was very thoughtful. You are too good to me for everything I have put you through. "

Not really sure where to go with this. After 17 days of not hearing from her I've got accustomed to no contact. I have a few ways I was thinking of replying but not sure about when and how to respond ...

[hopingandpraying]

I'm glad to hear that she responded to your letter! I'm sure it felt good to hear from her...

I wish I could give you some sort of advice on how to respond....sorry

I'm on day 19 of not hearing from my H and I don't know what I would do if he actually contacted me.

[Maggie3]

Ben- if I were you I wouldn't respond. You have said your piece, she knows how you feel, now it is time to back off and hopefully she will reflect on what you wrote. I am working really hard to not respond to an email my husband sent me. It was just a strategic email and didn't REALLY need a response though he asked me a question in it, but not one that needs an answer- if that makes sense. Normally I'd just write back something like THANKS!, just to respond because that's my way. But I'm not going to. He knows I check my email a lot and will have gotten it, just like your W knows you got her text.

Sorry about your transfer not going through. Seems like when it rains it pours. But try to think of it in terms of it wasn't meant to be. Did you already commit to moving? Did you already sell/break your lease on your current place?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Ben11,

I remember writing a letter like that to a T.
Letters really are more persuing.

I just got your letter. I don't know what to say, it was very thoughtful. You are too good to me for everything I have put you through. "

She is still rejecting you here.
Take a look at Rick1963 thread. there's a lot of wisdom there.

After 17 days of not hearing from her I've got accustomed to no contact. I have a few ways I was thinking of replying but not sure about when and how to respond ...

Reply to what?
She didn;t ask you anything for you to respond to.

You got through 17 days? Wow that's great, it really is. can you do another 17?

[Merlot]

I find it so crazy and it drives me crazy that these partners that we have spent so much time with can make us feel like we are walking on eggshells. I'm going through this and the roller coaster and the future isn't in my power but seems to be for my H. The norm of the relationship is so upside down. I catch my self watching every word I will say and never expecting anything in return. This isn't how it's suppose to be. We are in our 19th year of M. I am guessing this is MLC but how he depends on me and it's all do one sided...
I am in business with H. This is so difficult for me. We are both connected by this relationship but he needs space. He's been in Europe on business (this is natural) but after he told me he isn't happy nor loves me... He has space! He has had my trust too. I think it's the business he is tired of being that it has been a tough few years... I have spoken of our R since Feb. 14. and we hit a big bump just before he left. He is returning on wednesday and I am to pick him up... Boy I need help!

[ben11]

I could, but I don't see a point. I'm trying to persue my W again. Slowly. She never felt like I made her feel like she was special to me. I dont see how ignoring her for another 17 days is going to benefit our M. I've tried that. Didn't work.

And yes, I've been following ricks thread as well as about 20-30 others. Doesn't seem like the wisdom seems to be helping in his case unfortunately. I don't think it's as simple as a cookie-cutter approach that everyone seems to stress. I'm still GALing, working on 180s, etc, and won't stop doing those ever. However, I need to find a different way to make positive steps in my M.

[bustorama]

I could, but I don't see a point. I'm trying to persue my W again. Slowly. She never felt like I made her feel like she was special to me. I dont see how ignoring her for another 17 days is going to benefit our M. I've tried that. Didn't work.

Ben,

I think Gr8 is spot on and has firsthand experience with this dynamic. TRUST HIM. Your W does not want you to pursue her at this point. She knows exactly how you feel. You approached her and put your heart on the table. She did not reciprocate.

Her, "I don't know what to say." and "You are too good for me for everything I have put you through" are classic/script responses for I don't feel it for you the same way that you feel it for me. Your letter probably just reminded her of that in a negative way.

You have to stop trying to woo/pursue/convince her of anything. Your path to success is to accept that she doesn't feel it for you (now) and live your life accordingly. You can't make her love you.

Any rapproachment will come from HER figuring things out on her own, with her beginning to approach YOU again. It is if and when SHE approaches YOU, that you can make her feel special with some flirting or little words of affirmation or acts of service. NOT when you initiate it -- when she is not missing you or feeling it for you. And even these responses on your part need to be flirty and measured -- like you might interact with any other woman you find special and attractive -- and then you move on with yourself (so that she can pursue you more).

I went MONTHS living my own life and enforcing no contact with my W before things began to change. 17 days really is not much, but it is a decent start. Your clock has reset with the letter, now, though.

I had badly neglected and mistreated my W too. If she still has love for you, she will come back and give you a second chance to treat her better, most likely when she thinks you are moving on.

If not, there really isn't anything else you could have done. You've already played all those cards, and she isn't playing back. Don't live your life waiting for her, though.

[bustorama]

I know so many cases firsthand now of WAS who left and months or years later (when LBS moved on or began to move on), the WAS wanted back in. You can even skim the comments on this video and see other examples. As one of the posters on the video bluntly said, you are cockblocking yourself by pursuing her or staying in limbo.

This movie should be required viewing for every man on this board.

[ben11]

That's the rub....

I guess I see your point. She knows how I feel, inside and out.

I did end up replying later saying that if she wants to talk to me about the letter or anything else, that she knows where to find me and that I miss her.

This morning she sent me a funny and random picture over text. Just replied with 'haha, i like it'.

Like you said in earlier posts, I'll just do my own thing and reciprocate IN KIND. Nothing more.

Maybe gr8s right. Whats another 17 days, and then after that, another 17...

[hopingandpraying]

I'm sure it was nice to receive the random text.

I think you handled the situation well!