Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thanks guys. I agree with all of you and my thinking is clear - my kids' well-being and future comes first. I guess I was just hoping to hear that it won't get ugly... That's going to be tough.
Specially when he finds out that I actually put money I got from disability benefits in a separate account I opened for myself. He knew I got $ last summer, but knowing him, he probably forgot about it and will be livid when he finds out. He will feel so insulted that I didn't trust him. Specially when he finds out that I put it away in case I need to pay a lawyer ... I know I will need one when this all comes crashing down.
He has said all along that he wants mediation - he doesn't want to give "our children's money" to lawyers.
really?
i am in a lose-lose sitch... he wants my trust, but he is not acting in a trust-worthy manner. He wants an amicable resolution, but our interests seem to be conflicting.
Should I just tell him that I put it aside?
Ugh... i just hate this...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
On Sat. night, when H got angry and overwhelmed on the phone about our finances, he also brought up something I had no clue about.
He has been mad since MLK holiday because I got together with my SILs and the kids. I told him beforehand that I was planning to do that to celebrate my SILs new book and our birthdays. He didn't say anything.
On Sat. night, he said he was appalled that he wasn't invited that day and how hurt he was that he was left out by his family. He again blamed me for it. I defended myself (maybe not good DBing) saying that I didn't know why he wasn't invited and I had nothing to do with that. I said that maybe SIL didn't include him because he had asked his mom not to invite me to family holidays and that they have respected that wish, so she knew he didn't want to be with me and them together. I told him this was not a "family holiday" just us girls getting together with the kids.
I reminded him that he had told me that I should continue treating and seeing the family as if nothing, but asked him if he felt different and if he expected me to never again see what I have considered my family for 19 years. He was quiet and hesitated and said he didn't want that. So I asked him what we could have done differently so he would not be upset.
He finally just said "I just felt left out and I don't like to feel like my family doesn't include me." He asked how would I feel if the roles reversed. I told him I would definitely feel as hurt as he does and that I would probably talk to the host relative and simply ask why I wasn't included and resolve it. (My H and his family never talk about any issues and just bottle it all inside and avoid conflict). He said it wasn't worth it to him anyways, since this always happened. (huh?)
He then said he also felt left out the previous week when my mom had taken the kids to their first movie ever. I reminded him that I had asked him twice if he would want to take them with me and that both times his response was "I think they are too young for that." He responded saying that that didn't mean he didn't want to go, just that he was skeptical about it. huh???
But I held my tongue and apologized for the misunderstanding and for leaving him out. I feel like I can't win.
And the worst part is that none of this would have come up if I didn't ask. He just never brings anything up - still...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I too have felt the "I can't win no matter what I say" confusion. I think it is a reflection of the confusion raging in the WAS's head.... Since they aren't consistent with their own thoughts/feelings, their reactions are consistent. Unfortunately, us (the LBS) are the ones who have to 'react' to whatever state of mind they choose to be in.... Like trying to play chess in defense mode, instead of offense. I'm still too attached to move into being the *active* person, instead of the *reactive* one.
BTW, I have to let you know that I have so much respect for you 'still going' after all this time. I'm only 3 months into my sitch- and it's hard for me... I can't imagine doing this for as long as you've had. I regularly read your thread for motivation, I don't post too much- because I feel like there's nothing I could offer you- but I have so much I can learn from you. (not to hijack as well, but labug is another LBS that I look to for inspiration given the longevity of her sitch too.)
FWIW- I think you handled the conversation really well. You made him aware (without being defensive or attacking) that *his* requests are the reason things unfolded as they did and that *he* is responsible for speaking up if he's change his mind. Perhaps there's some kind of conflict about what he *thought* he wanted (his original requests) and how that reality made him feel. He didn't know he wouldn't like it until it happened, so now he's got to find a way to make *you* the bad guy for making him feel lousy. ***because we all know that the WAS never responsible for their bad/angry/sad/irritated emotions- it's always the LBS fault***
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
LB - thanks for the support! btw, I hope your session today goes well for you!
Originally Posted By: labug
Speaking of movies, I saw a trailer for The Lorax (3D) and it looks cute with lots of 3D effects.
I saw the billboard and I hope I can get my Ds interested. They are both very girly and right now there is nothing in their universe but princesses, fairies and hello kitty... even Monsters Inc. was too much for them (and I loved that movie).
Maybe I'll go see it w/o them ;-)
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
purg - thanks again for your support and kind words. It means a lot to me. Plus you know that you, BMom and I share a lot of similar issues right now and it is nice to see I am not alone.
Originally Posted By: purgatory
***because we all know that the WAS never responsible for their bad/angry/sad/irritated emotions- it's always the LBS fault***
This is particularly true in my sitch. Since I was very angry with my H, I know that I have no wiggle room on this issue.
I have to be absolutely perfect a)to convince him that my changes are real and he can trust that I won't be angry and b) because he will go there even when I am not angry to justify himself...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
So things are finally reaching the breaking point... I am really sorry for the very long post - I know it's hard to read, so I thank you if you do. I am so sad tonight.
Yesterday H was very pleasant to me when he dropped the kids off. He later sent me a text reminding me that the Grammy's were on tv. He then started texting me commentaries of the show and I responded. We ended up texting for the whole show - about 3 hrs. It was so nice and fun - like old times when we would watch things together. For that brief time I felt that my best friend was back.
Tonight was his night with the kids at my place. He had dinner with us, decorated cookies that Ds and I made earlier and was again very nice and pleasant.
After we put kids to bed he brings up the finances - he is desperate and really wants to separate them. We are spending more than what he makes. (nothing new here). I listen. I then ask what he proposes.
He says that we need to increase our income, but it's hard because I don't have a definite plan to get back to work. I ask if we can start by looking at the numbers and reducing our expenses; that I am open to making any hard decisions needed there (I know the sale of our home is inevitable).
I ask him what he suggests we do in the best interest of our family - I tell him that I value his opinion. He pauses a long time and says he doesn't have an answer (same answer as every time he brings this up).
I try to approach it differently and show cooperation by asking what he wants long-term for our children. He pauses and says he doesn't understand the question. So I go ahead and say that the priority for me is their education, since we are financially so strapped. He says financial stability and a good education are important to him as well. He then goes on to how he wants to go back to having money and saving.
He then says: "I just want to go back to having a lifestyle that matches my income." (which is very good by anybody standards - we have been extremely fortunate...)
I ask if he wants his kids to have a lifestyle that matches his income as well. He doesn't respond. He repeats we need to separate our finances, but cannot do it since I bring no income." I respond "But I take care of our children." So I ask again, "what do you think we should do?"
He looks at me straight in the eyes and coldly says - "We need to sell the house and you need to go back to work full time because part time will probably just cover the childcare costs. You need to become financially independent and pay for your own expenses. We can split the children's expenses."
I have been clear with him that I will not go back to a full time job now, given the age of our children, our separation and while he makes a good living. Our kids need at least one parent present and involved, they are struggling. I have told him I don't mind sacrificing my lifestyle to be with them (I also used to make a good living). But like he said he wants to get his lifestyle back, he doesn't think they are struggling and he argues that I went back to work full time my two previous pregnancies, so why not now...
He has also told me before I have it easy with my new stay at home mom lifestyle while he works his axx off. (ouch...)
I was devastated and I just I didn't want to get into it. After 19 years together he has no interest in taking care of me in any way, not even temporarily. He prefers to have a nanny raise our children than paying me alimony for the 6 years that the law would dictate in CA (1/2 the duration of our marriage.) That is what I would expect - that he would just follow the formula and be fair. I guess that is too much to ask at this point.
He could tell I was shocked and he asked "What? You were not expecting me to support you indefinitely, did you?" I said "Of course not, but I also want to find a fair resolution for both. Neither extreme seems fair."
I finally added: "H, I have asked you before - please tell me what you want. You have not given me any proposal or concrete plan. Bring me one and we can take it from there."
I honestly thought he would be looking out for the best interest of our kids. His mom never worked and H was always proud of that... Why wouldn't he want that for his kids, even if only for a few years? That is all I am asking - at least until the little one goes to pre-school. Ugh.
How on earth did he think we would ever be able to resolve this with a mediator, is beyond me. Good thing I set apart that money for a lawyer...
And now, I can't help but think that he was nice to me in the last 24 hrs. to soften me for this conversation in hopes I would agree with him.
Happy Valentine's Day to me
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hey KG - I'm sorry you are in such a low spot today. Sad as it is, you really should consult with a L and see if maybe a legal separation is something worth pursuing.
I agree that your H seemed to be playing you with all the texts and so forth. On the other hand maybe he is having his doubts and just doesn't realize it. I mean he can't even make up his mind about how to separate finances.
He sounds so much like my W. One minute things are fine and the next she is panicked about money. It's not like the financial picture changed overnight or anything. I think they are just looking for an escape hatch but it is like they are fumbling in the dark and don't know where to turn or what to do.
Hang in there. Today will soon be yesterday and life will go on.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
You have to play this like he is already gone. Really. Don't waste precious time and energy worrying about what kind of games he's playing with texting, etc. He has given you very useful information and your next step should be to protect your children and yourself. He is not in the state of mind to see beyond tomorrow. Don't expect him to do what you or any other reasonable human being would see as the "right thing."
See an attorney ASAP and get a good separation agreement.
Go as no contact as you can with little children involved. When all the chit-chat contact that seems nice is happening it's like a continuous, low-grade heart ache. NC is to protect you and give you time to heal. Once you are more able to detach and let him walk his path that pain lessens.
I'm so sorry, but get to work on getting a L, it's for your kids.
(((KG)))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
