"I do worry though that maybe it pushes too hard,"
Hmmm. I would say that you W threatening to leave with the children to another state is a pretty hard push.
"Since I'm fighting that, then I'm controlling her, trapping her."
Again. Forget about her. She's controlling you and trapping YOU. Tell her that you haven't stopped her from doing anything and she's more than welcome to leave. However, you have your rights as a parent and am just protecting whats YOURS. Put your foot down on this.
"And is it possible that my goals for the marriage may not be the best for the kids (or vice versa) and might have to make that decision?"
Again...forget about the M. Your children need you in their lives. Concentrate on that. Protect your brood.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I had been so resolved do doing just what you suggest, MrB, fighting for my kids and keeping them in school here. But I have to admit I'm on the fence about it. I think there's a chance that if she does what she wants, and with them included, she'll find out things wont be as easy as they've been with the two of us. And she'll come back sooner, than if I force the issue causing a ton of resentment as a result. Especially if she can blame not following her dreams on my keeping the kids. One more thing, a huge thing, to add to the list of everything that is my fault.
On a side note, today is my birthday. Certainly the worst one I've ever had. So far the plan is to wallow in self pity. Hoping to pull myself out that any moment now.
Hey stillhopin - happy birthday! Sorry you are having a tough time. Please do something good for you today, be good to yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. The day ended much better than it started.
My W had given my oldest some money before he left for school. Near the end of the school day she told me that I needed to go pick them up as they had a surprise for me. She told me what it was, but I didn't ruin the surprised for them. They took me out for ice cream after school. It was nice. Then she cooked a family dinner and made my favorite bday cake.
After the kids were in bed, I walked up behind her put my hands on her hip and said thank you for my birthday in her ear. She turned her head and said you're welcome. I kissed her on the cheek and walked away.
I realize she's gone in so many ways but at least that moment she was there.
Now she has two of the kids for the weekend to head to a st paddy's day party. Seems the party is pretty important, didn't want to have to get up early to come home. My oldest has play practice at 2 on sunday, so he's staying with me. We'll have a fun weekend together, as long as I don't think about where she's at and what she's doing.
Update. Weekend went well with my oldest, we had a good time. Thankful for the little bit of time just the two of us for some bonding and he said he had fun also.
Sunday evening, after her return, kids are in Bed, we had a long talk about our weekends. Almost like old times. Then adjourned to our respective sleeping arrangements, her in the bed, me on the couch. Monday, Tuesday. More of the same, the most normal she's (we've) been since this happened. Nice, but at the same time odd. She's not outwardly changing her mind about anything, and yesterday drew me in to a conversation about the kids and custody. Fortunately it started with some nice honesty on her part, but ended with a lot of tears. This end was a little different than many though, because after parting the discussion she went in and laid down on the bed. When it was obvious she wasn't doing well, i went in and laid next to her and we talked some more. Both in pain, I hugged her tightly with no push back from her.
So, question, when there is almost a sense of normalcy, more honesty, etc. I almost don't know how to be. My last couple of weeks has been an attempt at friendly indifference and just focus on what i need to get done (though extremely hard to deal with the paperwork and such for the divorce) and of course the kids.
This whole DB idea of do something and watch what works and what doesn't; are apparent normal interactions a result of what's working?
I want to take care of my kids. Keep them in school here, not shake them up with those changes in addition to their parents getting divorced.
Because that's what I want, I apparently have her "trapped" here. She can't move away from her kids to follow her dreams, so I am the one trapping her? Help
Well, another couple of weeks with roller coaster. She came back from her weekend away seeming like a different person. Not talking about getting together or anything but treating me very nicely. I tried to continue my friendly indifference, but by Friday, I gave her a big hug that was surprising and inappropriate, at the end of the evening i went into the bedroom and apologized. She told me how it made her feel and thanked me for the apology, but damage done. Curse these backslides.
Fast forward to this week, spring break for the kids, and she's taken them to a museum and hotel water park in the town she wants to move to. A little selling going on there I think. We're going to exchange kids on Wed and she's staying. As much as I try not to think about those remaining days with me having the kids she likely be with the OM.
That being said, I've got things planned with the kids, doing some planting on Friday, easter egg hunt on Saturday, and of course Easter sunday. She returns on Sun night I think. Focus, Focus, focus.
Well, Mr. Hyde is back from this trip. Wish it had been the person who came back from her last trip. Focus is on divorce papers, what my lawyer has done,etc. I try to be positive and I am helping her on the papers that I need to file as well. It's been a week of almost zero contact, just around the kids. Over five months into this and I still get totally wrapped up in her attitude towards me. I hate the knot in her forehead and the short responses in our conversations. I just cannot seem to detach from that.
Here I am sitting here again thinking about the justifications of why she should come back and work this out for the kids. I know better than to start that conversation, but I have to admit it is really really hard. Suggestions on refocusing would really be appreciated.
Her plans are only semi moving forward and I think it's got her really bugged. She's interviewing for a job that is only part time and quite frankly i don't see how she can support herself and the kids, in the town she wants to live in on those dollars. This trip was an interview and search for housing. I did ask how her week was and she said good, then followed with good and frustrating. Can't find housing. I didn't probe and try not too as best I can. Her life has become a secret in large part and i just have a hard time being patient, all the db'ing, friendly indifference, GAL'ing, shaking things up with some mystery, just seems like i'm getting nowhere.
Back home. Other than the kid exchange last wed, and again on sun, last night was tye first time I've seen her for any length of time for a week and a half. Very pleasant conversations about what we've been doing. At one point I put my hand on her knee and said its been a really long week and a half, she put down what she was doing, looked at me in a very nice way, and yes it was too long. I quickly changed subjects back to the kids and soon left the living room. No other discussions other than a good night and me on the couch still. I don't know where she's at, but I really want to talk to her and to tell her let's shift this money we're spending on lawyers and spend it on counseling instead. How will I know if its time to do this. So many dreams just seem to be slipping away.
