Thanks so much for the response. I think what triggered it in my husband was the unexpected death of an aunt who was close to him. It made him think about his own mortality. He even told me then that he didnt want to bring it up then, but he saw the opportunity because we talked about "change" in our discussion about his aunt. I am willing to bet that if that didn't happen, I still would be clueless that he was so tormented in our marriage.
I don't think that another woman is involved, only because I know how he keeps himself up normally. He has gone from being an impeccable dresser/groomer to showering once or twice a week (if that) and wearing the same clothes over and over. He acted like he just didn't care about himself anymore.
He told me many years ago that he just knew he was a walking clinically depressed person. I asked him why hasn't he ever got help and he never gave me a straight answer, although I figured it was because he was self-employed and didn't have great insurance. But I think even if he had it (at one point he did have great insurance) he still wouldn't go, just like he wouldn't go to a medical doctor even though he wasn't feeling well.
It's just so perplexing. He just doesn't seem like himself, so angry at life, himself, the world and me.
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
I have read a lot of the threads here and they have really helped me to realize the roll I may have played in this situation. However, I still would like some insight from some of the Mods or people who have been through this. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of uncertainty.
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
I don't think that another woman is involved, only because I know how he keeps himself up normally. He has gone from being an impeccable dresser/groomer to showering once or twice a week (if that) and wearing the same clothes over and over. He acted like he just didn't care about himself anymore.
He told me many years ago that he just knew he was a walking clinically depressed person.
That was the huge flashing red light I missed when my marriage was starting to go downhill, and I didn't even notice it.
He stopped dressing nicely, even for work. Stopped caring about his appearance. Showering dropped from every day to maybe 2 to 3 times a week. I saw these things, but I didn't really think it was of anything important.
I later find out in counseling that he was entering a period of depression in our M, feeling hopeless and checked out.
A few months later, when he got back into the groove of things, keeping up his appearance and putting more effort into his hair and clothes..... this was about the time he had entered his EA with a co worker.
I have read a lot of the threads here and they have really helped me to realize the roll I may have played in this situation. However, I still would like some insight from some of the Mods or people who have been through this. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of uncertainty.
I wish I was good at giving advice. I can only relate and share my experiences in this.
In the beginning and for some time after bomb drop, I blamed every single thing on H. When I found out about the co worker he was spending time talking to, making cd's for, and having lunch with.... I blamed her too. It has taken me some time to see that I did play a part in the disconnect that happened in my marriage. It didn't make his EA right, but it took a long time for me to get to the place where I could accept that there were things I did or didn't do that put our marriage on the road it was on.
The best thing I can say that I did was, I listened to him a lot without interrupting him and let him talk out his feelings. I never pushed him to talk either. I listened to what he told me he felt was wrong with our M, or things I did he didn't like. I took what I felt was important and began to work on those things in my own way, by changing things here and there. I also made these changes with the thought that this is going to be a permanent change.
Thing I found out is, when we don't keep our changes, things can go right back to as they were. As it is, the WAS feels hopeless about the relationship, and doesn't think that things can change. Most times, the only thing they think will bring on a change is to leave. This is where my h was coming from. Not sure where yours is at.
I know it's a very confusing time. Extremely stressing and worrisome. Hope that what I have shared can somehow help in your situation. Be good to yourself!
It really is a sea of uncertainty, and it was the uncertainty I had to live with on a daily basis that was something I would not wish on my worst enemy. But these uncertainties will begin to shift and change, and you'll find more answers in becoming a good listener, and using the db-ing techniques that apply to your situation.
For me it was a trial and error thing. I'd try one thing and it would work, another thing and it didn't. So you stick with what you see brings positive results.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. Get a life. I know it's hard to do that when we're hurting and we feel that all we can do is just stand still. Slowly find ways to get you out, and get a friend and schedule girl night outs, for coffee, movies, shopping, drinks, whatever... start will small things and build up.
When my h was going through it, he was spewing a variety of emotions. And sometimes it was just crazy. One moment happy, and within an hour two, angry again and cold. The mood swings for him were quite intense and switched off and on like a light.
During the day he'd email from work saying he loved me and was looking forward to coming home. Then that evening, he acted like I was the last person he wanted to see. Making barely any eye contact, keeping cold and distant. His moods were incredibly difficult to understand.... and the the thing is that they can't be understood because it is not rational. They themselves do not understand their own mood.
How I got through this was, standing back, letting him vent and spew, acknowledge his feelings by nodding and telling him i hear him and understand. When he told me a few times he felt like being married to me was equivilant to being locked in a prison, I nodded and said, I understood and that I was sorry he felt that way, and then I added... the only thing is, in prison we are locked in, but here there are no locks on the doors to keep you here.
I changed up the areas in the house I'd be in, I'd do different things and switched up my schedule. I'd be gone sometimes when he came home. I gave him a lot of space. I never pressured or pushed him.
Important thing is, I think my h conveyed in therapy was his strong desire and need and desperation for things to change in our M, but he felt like it was hopeless and was giving up. He told me a few times that deep down, he did not want to go, but he felt that going was all that he could do.
So I began to work on me and implement changes. I'm still working on me... this has been a long road for both of us.
All in all, do love yourself, take care of you, and do things for you. As you DB, do your GAL too. You will feel strong inside for doing so... it is baby steps but I cannot convey enough how GAL-ing helped strengthen me in many ways.
Thanks for the information. I appreciate it. Do you feel that her close proximity for convenience sake is helping or hurting your sitch? I know my husband is struggling. He is living in a friends basement and his friend has a wife and 4 kids. I know he is uncomfortable there, but he does not want to come back home, even for convenience.
It's a bit hard to say if it's helping or hurting, to be honest. I've been dealing with other issues, so my DB efforts have been a bit ham-strung.
My MIL lives about 45 minutes out of town. Since we were splitting custody of S, W had days where she not only had to make the long drive to work, but she also had to drive a bit further to get S to daycare. I only had him on my days off, so this wasn't an issue for me. She was spending most of her time and money just trying to get back and forth, as well as periodically getting into fights with MIL.
That said, if your H is really uncomfortable, that could have the effect of making him re-assess his decision to get out of your home, especially if he's not able to get well rested or has some other reoccurring stress that wasn't present before.
As has been echoed already, take the pressure off of him. Back off a bit, but still be available to him if he reaches out. Work on getting through each day, one at a time, and wait to see what happens. Keep going to church, find someone to talk to for the sake of having a sympathetic ear, if nothing else, but try to get it off your chest in a way that you're able to stop dwelling on it. If D hasn't been filed yet, time is still on your side.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
I am uncertain about how to proceed. I have been doing GAL things. I have been looking at it from a Christian standpoint but I still sometimes waiver a little in my faith about what I want the outcome to be because I replay all the issues that we have dealt with.
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
My husband kept telling me he was clinically depressed and I did ask him about getting some help and he never did. As an entrepreneur he is a workaholic. He just submersed himself in his work and it just never got addressed. So much of his self worth is tied into his finances and when those aren't in order he considers himself a failure. So he just tried extra hard to make the business work, and when it didn't, it just managed to reinforce his negative thinking.
He said he checked out in 2009, but never said anything to me about it. I attributed his aloofness (if that's a word) with his self proclaimed depression so there was no alarms that went off in my head when the marriage stalled. I really think that he though the marriage would self-correct, I even dare to say that he hoped it would to make himself feel better about being in it.
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
