My W told me the other day that I'm her favorite person to dance with. I was surprised by this, as she complains a great deal if she doesn't get asked to dance much when we're out socially. My impression is that my W keeps intimate thoughts to herself, and lets them out like a drop of water. I'm the same way, which partially explains the pace of our Piecing phase.
She was complaining about our weekly ballroom venue. I told her that I have to practice ballroom dancing at least weekly. It doesn't matter where. I gave her the option of an alternative venue or staying at home, while I went out to practice. When it came time to make a decision, she chose to stay at our current venue, stating that she would make the best of it. I was willing to go without her, and she knew it.
She is taking steps to improve her eating habits. She is probably 20 pounds overweight. She is going to start recording what she eats. I could tell she's serious about addressing this problem. She has been researching calories and fat grams. She also has begun going with me weekly to Pilates or Yoga.
I keep practicing the "Holding onto Yourself" concept. It releases me from being overly involved in her problems, and forces her to struggle and problem-solve. Her struggling has moved her towards being proactive with certain problem situations--not getting enough guys to ask her to dance, improving her eating habits.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She was complaining about our weekly ballroom venue. I told her that I have to practice ballroom dancing at least weekly. It doesn't matter where. I gave her the option of an alternative venue or staying at home, while I went out to practice. When it came time to make a decision, she chose to stay at our current venue, stating that she would make the best of it. I was willing to go without her, and she knew it.
You have come a long, LONG way from when I first started posting to you, CL.
Last night was rough at our monthly ballroom venue. My W chose to reluctantly go, though I gave her the option of staying home. I went to three Salsa venues during the week, so felt that it was fair that I had my one night of ballroom to practice and network. I think she's self-concious and intimidated by good male ballroom dancers. I point out the better male dancers, yet she won't ask them to dance. At the end of the evening, she complains that "no one" asks her to dance. When we danced together, she would pick at me. I now know that I'm doing just fine, and that her comments aren't always objective.
I can only do so much to help her. Quitting ballroom dancing isn't the answer. If we quit ballroom dancing, we'd have to find another hobby to replaceit with. Participating in life is a struggle. I think any joint activity we would do would be a struggle in some form. I can see why many people prefer to compete with a professional than social dance with their partner. It's inherently conflictual. I think the most loving thing you can do for your W is sometimes to allow them to struggle, while you hold onto yourself.
I'll talk to her today, and see where she's at. We bought another year's worth of lessons, so she stated her commitment to keep working on ballroom dancing. I think my expectation of ballroom dancing at a venue weekly is realistic. I'm not always in the best of frame of mind when she wants to go Salsa dancing, and I'd rather take the night off. I push thru and am usually glad I did.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
When I came home from work yesterday, I asked my W her intent on whether she was going to our weekly ballroom venue or not. She said that she was tired of that particular venue. I said that I could go alone and come back to get her to go out later in the evening, as I would be done by 9PM. She got angry, stating I preferred to dance with others, rather than her. I held onto myself and reminded her that we had invested a lot of time and money to not practice our ballroom dancing on a large floor at least weekly. Not practicing was not an option for me. Not all dances can be practiced at home. I gave her the option of going to a different venue that evening, or staying home while I go to our regular venue. I validated her frustration about lack of qualtiy men to dance with at our usual venue. Maybe it was time to try a different place.
We travelled 25 miles to a different venue on the other side of town. We met a teacher whose emphasis is on social dancing, and has no interest in ballroom competitions (same as us). He gave us an introductory private lesson, and sold us an introductory package for a great deal. We'll give his studio a try. We're trying to find a combinations of studios and venues with committed social ballroom dancers to network with. Our studio is great for private and group instruction, but their emphasis is ballroom competitons, so their students aren't interested in social dancing.
What could have been a difficult evening, turned out great due to my holding onto what is important for me, and my W's willingness to explore.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Once a week, I ask my W to practice so that we can retain new material. My shoulders were tight at our last practice session. I mentioned this to my W, and she began to massage them. She said to ask her for a massage anytime.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
That is HUGE! It does seem that your wife has moved in your direction in the last few months. That is clearly an effort on her part to be physical with you.
I suggest you ask her for a shoulder massage a few times. This is a nice way to have some intimacy, that can be pleasant and perhaps even slightly sexual but without the expectations of performance and the anxieties that come with it. Perhaps you offer to massage her also. This a fabulous way to gently work up to being sexual and solving one of the biggest issues facing you two.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
That is HUGE! It does seem that your wife has moved in your direction in the last few months. That is clearly an effort on her part to be physical with you.
I suggest you ask her for a shoulder massage a few times. This is a nice way to have some intimacy, that can be pleasant and perhaps even slightly sexual but without the expectations of performance and the anxieties that come with it. Perhaps you offer to massage her also. This a fabulous way to gently work up to being sexual and solving one of the biggest issues facing you two.
Last night was rough. We returned to the ballroom venue we had taken a break from for several weeks. My W takes it personally that men aren't lining up to dance with her. She has an easier time in the Salsa community. We've explored other dance studios to give her options. We found a small class that we enjoy, even though it's a 1/2 hour from home. I don't know what else to do for her, short of quitting ballroom dancing. I don't think that's a solution, because than we would only be meeting her needs in the partnership. If she wanted to quit, I wouldn't stop her.
I let her mood get to me last night on the way to the Salsa venue. I couldn't get into the spirit of Salsa and sat most of the night. We also couldn't find her shoe, so I drove back to the other studio to retrieve it. I got verbally punished for it. I stepped outside to excuse myself, as I wasn't dancing. She then blasted me for forgetting my meal ticket. The evening spiraled, and I couldn't seem to stop it. At home, she threw the kitchen sink at me, bringing up a host of issues. I stayed outside with my dog, and slept in the guest room.
Ballroom dancing is supposed to be fun. I need to get out and practice socially, otherwise what's the point of taking dance lessons? We can't find a venue that works for her. Classes go fine, practice time is fine, Salsa venues are fine. Ballroom venues where she has to put effort into networking, and where she's fussy about the quality of dancers, doesn't work.
I'm not forcing her to be a ballroom dancer. I would be disappointed, but realize I can't force involvement in a hobby. I've heard for years about her dream to be a ballroom dancer. She can quit at any time, or not renew lessons, or limit the amount of or type of involvement. It seems reasonable to me, that if she's a dance partner with me, than she needs to compromise with me regarding balancing Salsa and ballroom dancing. I'm still looking for the formula that works for both of us.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You can read all the books in the world, and try all the techniques in the world, but sometimes as we used to like to say around here "Crap behavior is crap behavior," and you have to call your wife on it.
Women test men -- period. It's the way of nature. And your wife loses more attraction for you when you fail these tests. STAND UP TO HER when she starts with the CB!!! Every time you've done it, she's responded positively, either immediately or perhaps the next day.
Stop hiding outside with the dog, and in the guest room!
She's so good at blaming, it makes me wonder if I did something wrong. I found out today she was upset because I ate leftover fruit from last night at the dance. She intended to have it for herself, but failed to tell me her intentions. She told me to have some in front of our friends, and then scolds me afterwards for not reading her mind. I'm guessing there's more going on than this, which probably has nothing to do with me. I told her today calmly, that I can't read her mind, and that she should have told me she would have liked the fruit for later. She wanted to be seen as generous, but didn't want me to eat the fruit.
I went swimming this morning, to release some stress and get out of the house. I now have to decide whether or not to go to a joint private lesson. I guess staying home would be a form of hiding. I'll go and see how it goes. If it gets too out of hand, I can leave the lesson. Hopefully, the teacher will set limits as-needed.
Her part-time cooking job is ending this summer. She will now have to enter the job market. I think she's afraid. I do think a part-time job is in her best interests. She's used the one day cooking job, with her sister as employer as a way to procrastinate from job-hunting. I think a job has to be better than sleeping in every day, sitting at her computer, and not going out until the evening, most of the time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
