My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Seemingly another mini-breakthrough in my sitch today. Again, I know I am not adhering to all the rules here but I think in many circumstances you have to think on the fly and go with your gut, that is my experience thusfar anyway and I am in the best place I have been since we physically separated I think. Please bear in mind that all that has been happening to me is while an active 50B restraining order is in effect that expires this Monday, we have been communicating and seeing each other in the face of this restraining order (stupid for me to do I know but it is what it is).

So she contacted me today and we bantered back and forth for awhile, nothing about our R or M. I was happy yesterday that my oldest stepson called me for advice on a bit of trouble he was in. He could have called anyone else on "their" side of the family or any male friends, but he chose to call me. Obviously I shared the situation with my W and I know I provided the right advice, I certainly would think that got me some good vibes now that she knows the only child old enough to think to do it, reached out to me when he needed guidance.

She and I had been talking yesterday as well, because she reached out to may saying she just wanted to "say hey". This a first since we separated. I asked her today directly "so what prompted you to want to say he to me yesterday for no reason?" A stupid, non DB/DR type of question but I felt I needed to know the answer with no expectations. She said "I wanted to say hi because I'm lonely".

To me this is a positive sign, although I know it probably shouldn't be. Based on reading other people's I am not sure what I should do. I am thinking since she has validated a need of her's "I'm Lonely", that I should show effort as to try to meet that need, e.g. try and communicate more often and see if we can spend more time together. We really did have a great time on Sunday when we hung out and I'm sure that interaction played into this. This is throwing me into a loop for Valentines day though. Should I still go with the do nothing approach for her and pull a 180? Given where I am now I think such a drastic 180 may do a little more harm than good.... Or maybe she is just acting this way to butter me up for Valentines day. Geez I just don't know... I am so sick of all of this dangblasted mental warfare... UUUGH

Just journaling but if anybody has any feedback I would appreciate and good luck to one and all!

[FaithnAK]

Hello Broken,

If you spend too much time questioning the "Why's" and "What if's" it will drive you nuts.

Let me help you out with the 180 thing...the 180 is for YOU. Not her. What does Broken want to do for himself to show that he is changing/improving for the better? Whatever you decide to do for Valentines Day should not be considered a 180. If you want to do something like you always do, then do it with a NO EXPECTATION APPROACH. In other words don't expect any magical change of feelings or for it to be reciprocated.

And if you think it's going to ruin your day in any way, then it might be best if you don't do anything at all. This is trial and error. If something works keep doing it, if it doesn't...stop.

My apologies for not reading your whole thread. Just saw this and I hope the little I offer helps.

[Broken74]

Thanks Faith, I appreciate your feedback!

I'm still up in the air now as we've been chatting again today. I'm going to think about it over the weekend. I hope you have a great one!

[Yasu]

I have an idea. Why not check out the craft store, grab up some art supplies, stickers, glue, marker, whatever...and make a home-made card with your own hands?

Just have a girl in the store help you pick out a couple of things. Then go make it. If you know someone artistic, go get their advice.

Now this is what I'd call a thoughtful gift. Especially if it turns out just terrible (it's the thought that counts!). You can also stop by the grocery or Target and get her a cute stuffed animal - something really tacky, like a bright red Teddy bear. If you wait till V-day, they will be reduced.

Then get cheap wrapping paper, scotch tape and a bow (while at Target), and wrap it ip the best you can (the more sloppy the better).

When she opens this stuff, I promise you it will be a Hallmark moment. Yas

[Broken74]

Thanks for the suggestions Yasu, I appreciate it!

So I come bearing the fact that I am going to take on the new moniker of divorce busting idiot and LRT dunce. Against all good veteran advice and the two books that I've read, given that things had been significantly improving between us I went ahead and did some nice things for her on valentines day. We had dinner on Friday (her and my two stepsons which was quite nice) and I could tell her heart was warming a bit based on body language and the things she was saying on this night. She added again that she is not considering or thinking about divorce and will not be in a hurry to do so in August or otherwise. She did allude to the fact that she may end up doing something that will make me mad which I could only assume would be dating the prior OM that she had cut off contact with. I said I don't care, do what you want to do, if you honestly think you'll be happier with him or someone else than I'll be happy for you.

We ended up texting on and off over the weekend, with her primarily starting the conversations. We met Monday for dinner with her and my stepdaughter, I gave the three stepkids a card with a little cash for good grades, I gave her a card, a ring, a bracelet, and sent her flowers to work on Tuesday. She loved all of the gestures and said she appreciated them, I was not expecting anything in return and as expected I didn't get anything. We exchanged further texts on Tuesday and Tuesday night I asked her to call me, this is when I got really stupid.

The end of our communication string goes as follows:

"I'm going to bed. Honestly I don't want to talk because I can probably quote the conversation before it starts."
"You're wrong but I understand you don't want to talk. I hope you had a happy day. I'll back off I'm sorry I've been annoying you. Goodnight" "Even I lucked up and got a Valentine. And I attached a picture with a paper cutout who had ripped his own heart out looking at another couple celebrating valentines day" I KNOW THIS WAS INCREDIBLY STUPID. She responds
"Ok that pissed me off, leave me alone please"
I grovel she says "Yep It was stupid. Typical of you to do though. You haven't changed, you're a damn good actor though, kinda. Goodnight and take care"
I reiterated my apology this morning and she is extremely cold. "stop texting me, Learn how to handle your emotions better, maybe in a mature way. Doesn't matter if I'm mad at you or not. I don't want to talk to you anymore. No more pictures, texts, letters, nothing please."

This all because I sent a stupid picture via text that I KNOW I SHOULDN"T HAVE SENT. And I've been violating more or less 37 of the 37 rules all weekend. It's like I'm an LRT binge drinker or something.

So I deserve to be beat up because I didn't follow the proper advice I was given, I went out on my own and went with my gut, and it obviously has cost me dearly. I am at the point where I am on the fence as to if I want to continue fighting for this or not. I have a gorgeous young lady with very little baggage that is begging to spend time with me, not that that is the smartest thing to do at this point. .

Did I go to far? I am taking the "believe nothing that they say and only 50% of what they do approach". I am certain now that she won't contact me on my birthday Sunday. We still have dealings related to my car that she is driving and how to get that sold to her, and I have a number of my possessions stored in her garage. The target for refinancing the car is the end of March so we will be forced to communicate by then.

She mentioned that I was immature and that I have been for the six months since we separated because of my reaction after uncovering the EA she was having. Based on things that she said Friday and Monday, I can tell she is struggling with guilt based on what she did, as she was comparing her actions to what I did when we were dating and saying she "owed me more than one" trying to downplay the significance of the EA.

So basically I am restarting the LRT, and think it is time to enlist the help of a Divorcebusting coach. I was feeling good about where we were Friday, and up to 10pm last night until I sent that stupid picture, it's like I want to fail I knew nothing positive was going to come of that at all, but I had to do it, apparently because I'm immature. .

Apologies for not "respecting my elders" and following the proper advice, I obviously wish I had now and know better going forward.

Thanks in advance as always for any input you guys can provide and good luck with your respective sitch's. .

[Broken74]

But just now I thought, maybe this is short term pain for long term gain... Obviously the picture set her off for a reason, maybe moreso the fact that she is dealing with the guilt of what she has put me through over the last 6 months versus my being "immature". The mental wargames continue, 8/27 is eligible filing day so I still 6 months and 11 days to try and actually Divorce Bust instead of being a moron. I've definitely GAL and that will continue. If we don't have a plan in place by August then chances are I'll end up doing the filing, because I refuse to go through any more than another 6 months of this living hell... :-(

[labug]

Geesh, you need to go no contact, really. No contact allows you to get all your emotions under control and give her a chance to not be assaulted by you trying to fix her on a daily basis.

You haven't changed, you're a damn good actor though, kinda. Goodnight and take care"

This is a LBS worst nightmare, that the WA will think everything is being done to trick them into reconciling.

This should be your signal that you need to stay away from her and fix you.

I have a gorgeous young lady with very little baggage that is begging to spend time with me, not that that is the smartest thing to do at this point.

And how would that relationship be better than this one, which is still pretty new?

Grmpy Mnky needs to talk with you.

[Broken74]

Thanks labug, I appreciate your input. You are exactly right, I'm going dark totally, I did the classic things were improving between us and then went overboard mode. I thought doing it up for Valentine's day would give a boost to whatever was going well, and it was until I did something really stupid. I still don't get why she got so spun up about it, unless it makes her feel really bad/guilty. I hope I haven't put the nail in the coffin, I guess only time will tell.

Regarding my new friend, my W certainly seems to not have a problem dating other people. My new friend is in graduate school, no kids, stable, a number of things honestly my W is not. I have been working on myself, and without question I will be successful in my next relationship, be it with my W or without her. Not drinking in and of itself has improved my life dramatically. I am a new man, she just can't open her eyes to see. I'm going to send Grmpy Mnky a PM to see if they would be so kind to provide their .02.

Thanks again labug, tomorrow will day 1 of full no contact, it's going to be hard but as you said I really have no choice now.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Are we gonna have to come all the way over there and beat your a$$? LOl...

Chill..no I really mean it...CHIILL the eff out!!Right now you are so unattractive to her and yourself. This board is here for a reason: this is an incredibly difficult part of your life and if you let them, the folks here will make sure you make through the forthcoming weeks or months.

I don't say this to be mean, I promise. Look at my first couple of post from only two months ago. I was there too. Its still very hard somedays,but you know what? My friends I have here on this board NEVER let me down! Drop the rope my friend...but not the soap:)

[labug]

Hey Bro, Mnky's bark is much worse than his bite.

Don't mean to bust your chops but

I have been working on myself, and without question I will be successful in my next relationship

I re-read your thread and you've been a raging exposed nerve the whole time. I've no doubt you've been working on yourself but you think think all this:

Then there is me, 37, no kids, successful corporate guy with my own bag of issues. Some being my selfishness and infidelity in my first marriage, my cheating on my second wife while we were dating (I never even looked at another woman during our marriage however). I also have significant self esteem issues that led to a womanizing streak between the marriages that’s really a long story for another forum.

I had an alcohol problem, didn’t drink a lot but when I did I would get plowed and was verbally abusive toward her on a number of occasions.

This whole ordeal consumes me on a daily basis, obviously I constantly think about what she is doing and with whom.

will be better because you've been working on yourself for a few months? I truly believe people can change when they really admit to themselves where their fault lies and work on those things consistently. I've changed but it's taken me a lot longer than 5 months.

About your gorgeous grad student, in your first post you said this:

This is my second marriage, I met her the same month my first divorce was finalized which probably was an issue in and of itself. Beautiful, smart, caring, loving young woman.

Sound familiar.