For those of you who have been following my sitch here is a link to my first thread: Is There Hope?
It was almost at 100 posts and I thought it was fitting to start another one as my 1 month countdown has begun until I have to deal with this all face-to-face.
Journaling: Today is day 4 of NC. Without having any attempts at contact from him, it does make it harder for me (I'm a weird.. I find if he tries to contact me during a dark period - it makes me feel empowered and makes it much easier to do it).
I alternate from thinking the worst, to (very badly) thinking the best.
Now instead of wallowing in the thoughts, when they get to be too much I am forcing myself to do something else in that moment to stop the wheels from churning. IE: if I am at work and they start a rollin' I get up from my chair and go downstairs to the caf and get a coffee.
So just rolling along here. Really appreciating people who are keeping up with the 111's. And reading everyone elses situation, hurting with you in the bad posts and being estatic for you in the great posts!
One11, that is how it is done, change the scenery. I have not been on snowshoes since CWSS. I remember them and dragging the sled as quite a work out. Doing things to build endorphins helps me feel better. Of course I’d be lost without the dog too.
It occurs to me something you may wish to consider is being gone when he arrives home. Not moved out gone, just out, like at the store, movie, with friends something that illustrates you are moving forward.
I know your trying to set money aside, but would a storage locker be out of the question? I don’t know your situation that well, but if I had items precious to me safeguarding them would be worth the cost.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I'm glad you're finding ways to distract yourself from the thoughts. I think we are all guilty of them creeping up on us.
JS has some good ideas- the storage locker is a great one! And I also agree that you should stage an activity when you know he will be coming home... when he walks in an empty house after being gone in a war zone- reality will slap him in the face. That would be his new life if he chooses to go forth with his plan.... I don't think it will feel good.
You seem to have found a new strength- and I like reading that
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Thanks J.S and Pur(rrrrr.. I always think of kittys :))
I haven't done a storage locker but I have started packing away things that are not necessary for my comfort for the next few months and they are all in storage in our spare room. So all the little touches of home for me are missing now. Some not so little. And I've moved all the stuff from 'our' bedroom to the spare room where I will be sleeping.
And I hear you about just not being here. I have given some serious thought to that.
But in some ways... I kind of want to grab that moment of return and use it *hopefully* to my advantage. I can't predict what type of mood he will be in, or how he will act, but 'they' say that the best predictors of a person's future behaviour is their past behaviours and in the past, we have always spent a nice night with a couple of drinks, listening to music and catching up (of course in the past we have been intimate too, but I won't be adding that complication to the mix!) Usually when he comes home from long periods of being away he is in a really receptive, talkative mood and it's always a good discussion. Even once when we fought a LOT while he was away over the initial 'possible depection' I listed in my very first post. I would hate to pass that up *should* it be like that. It is just that he always seems very 'vunerable' after separations, and yes, while our situation is different (we are broken up) this time, I am still hoping that if he comes in to a non-hostile enviroment, he will let his guard down and we can see how things go.
He is the type of guy that while yes, he would not like coming home to no happy reception, he would get over that by going and getting laid either with a stranger, or maybe with OW. I can't control what he does, this I know, but I want to at least make sure that I to strike when the iron is hot, should it be hot... lol (I'm tired, sorry.. not making sense) (he is not an awful personn btw!! Just reading that last part back sounds pretty bad, but I know him, he won't stay home and watch the clock for sure!)
BUT... Then again...
I guess since I don't know which end will be up with him, what I have is a back up plan. If he is grumpy pants and I feel like things might get ugly, I will leave and go to a friends place. If that happens, I will just say "It seems like you might need to have a little time to yourself to settle in so I'm meeting friends for drinks, glad you're home in one piece and have a great night!" and jet, looking fabulous.
A PERFECT sitch would be to come home *just after* he arrives, so he could get a sense of what you guys suggested, and then be more grateful of my presence.
This is of course *IF* he even gives a cr@p! He may not care and leave me here and go out, or h6ll, tell me to leave! lol K k, k... I'm going to stop now... see those wheels are turning again! :S
PS: Pur... I have found strength but I will breathe this out loud on this board.... I think part of it is fueled by hope that things *might* change when he sees me in person. This could be a fatal mistake and I could be setting myself up to crash!
So I am really trying to check my head/soul/body and stay in reality of "we are broken up... it's over" for now. Then the fall won't be so far when he comes home and it stays that way.
PS: Pur... I have found strength but I will breathe this out loud on this board.... I think part of it is fueled by hope that things *might* change when he sees me in person. This could be a fatal mistake and I could be setting myself up to crash! So I am really trying to check my head/soul/body and stay in reality of "we are broken up... it's over" for now. Then the fall won't be so far when he comes home and it stays that way.
what happened to no expectations? He broke up and told you to leave May 1, after you asked to be able to stay...
he's leaving this summer and did not invite you to join him.
Sorry if that's a cold splash of water in your face but YES you are setting yourself up, again...
read back over your thread...you need to do that.
What you are not getting, is that being LESS available to him HELPS you...
I fear You have not detached from him AT ALL....
that's a challenge but it's a mistake not to detach. I hope you can soon.
You have a month to learn how to detach. It doesn't mean give up- but for God's sake, this man has a history of being a lousy partner and said he wants out.
What is it you think will be SO different now?
You seem to be hoping he becomes someone he never was.
If he is capable of that, why would he do so now? I mean he's treated you very badly for some time now. He's treating you like you are a tenant...
and you think that acting as if you are thrilled the landlord is home, will make him act loving AND that it won't just be for sex but for a committed r?
111, think this out some more. Back up and read your own words here. Read your thread...imagine another person wrote it.
what would you advise them?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
what happened to no expectations? He broke up and told you to leave May 1, after you asked to be able to stay...
************************I don't necessarily have expectations, but hopes. And I am a realist, so for me to have even flickers of hope that thing will settle when he returns and we are in person with one another I feel is even foolish. I am usually of the nature of holding NO HOPE and then if something turns out, then that is great, but if you don't get your hopes up for something, you can't be AS hurt.
But this is why I wrote what I wrote above. I DON'T WANT to get my expectations up. But I know from our history that lots of stuff gets said then when push comes to shove and we are in front of one another, it's a totally different story.
My sitch is a bit backwards from most of the people here as I kind of have to go through it all over again when he gets home, and then it will also be with totally new dynamics.
But I am under no disallusion. I am trying to be as prepared as possible for every possible outcome. But I can only be SO PREPARED as I have no idea what he will do/act/say when he is standing in front of me. -----
he's leaving this summer and did not invite you to join him.
**************He MIGHT be leaving this summer. He doesn't even have his orders yet. He has probably applied to some postings. That's it. I know he says stuff like that to scare me. Back in Thailand he did the same thing. When I told him that I didn't want to continue the R the way it was going, he brought up posting season then too. They don't even get told they CAN be posted until April and then they have to sell the house, buy a new house in the new location, etc.etc. ----
Sorry if that's a cold splash of water in your face but YES you are setting yourself up, again...
******************* I don't entirely disagree with you. I am trying NOT to set myself up. By NOT getting my hopes up. But I will admit, I fantasize about him coming home and wanting to work on the R. It's those fantasies that I am trying to NIX as I don't want to start making them ANY SORT of reality. (does that make sense?)
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read back over your thread...you need to do that.
What you are not getting, is that being LESS available to him HELPS you...
****************** I get that. I honestly do. IE: Not talking to him for a week now, I feel TONS better. My self esteem gets filled up. AND ...truth be told I am sure he doesn't give a cr@p that he hasn't spoken to me this week. NOT ONE BIT. So his homecoming and me trying to make the most of it (or get the best out of it), is something I want to do FOR ME.
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I fear You have not detached from him AT ALL....
*************** But I have A LOT for me. Looking at apt. Thinking about buying one come May 1 and not talking to him for a week is PRETTY GOOD for ME! It may be nothing for others, but for me, I'm proud of myself. --------
that's a challenge but it's a mistake not to detach. I hope you can soon.
***************** I want to more. I just know that I will sort of have to learn how to detach all over again when he gets home. But it is what it is. ------------------
You have a month to learn how to detach. It doesn't mean give up- but for God's sake, this man has a history of being a lousy partner and said he wants out.
***************** I WANT To give up. I think, in my heart of hearts the only way this CAN work out is if I completely let go. And not just fake letting go. I'm WORKING ON IT! ------------------------
What is it you think will be SO different now?
You seem to be hoping he becomes someone he never was.
*************see here is another thing...Do you really think the person he was the entire time with me BEFORE deploying was someone he never was? I think I just have to see that with my own two eyes. I don't disagree if that is what you mean.... it's just hard for me to tell. I kind of look at him coming home as an 'end' to this saga. What the ending will be? I'm not sure, but I am anxious to find out as I hope it will put a lid on that part of my life and help me move on.
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If he is capable of that, why would he do so now? I mean he's treated you very badly for some time now. He's treating you like you are a tenant...
**************** I CAN'T forget that I treated him HORRIBLY before he left. Not 24/7, but I was. I had some serious issues and I've worked on those issues, but I was pretty awful at times and to be honest, I'm a surprised he stayed with me as long as he did.
I am NOT saying this to excuse him, but if I ever expect him to give me a bit of the benefit of the doubt, should I at least practice what I preach? -------------------------- and you think that acting as if you are thrilled the landlord is home, will make him act loving AND that it won't just be for sex but for a committed r?
*************** no, that is one thing he doesn't do. (thank GOD!) He didn't do it in Thailand and I doubt that will change. If he has ever had emotion for someone he can't separate love and s#x. And believe it or not, I am not that desperate for him back. I want to be the best person I can be for him, but he would need to do some serious changing too for me to trust him and want him back. At this point, I REALLY DON'T see that happening.
--------------------- 111, think this out some more. Back up and read your own words here. Read your thread...imagine another person wrote it.
what would you advise them?
**************** Honestly? If it were my BFF here, I would understand that the 'homecoming' was the 'lid' on this sitch. Whether it's a lid on the old and there will be a new, or whether it's a 'lid' closing the connection forever is unknown.
I am being completely 100% honest that I need to do this for myself as much as him. And YES I am still competely in love with him, but I guess I need to see these changes (the bad ones) in person, at home in a normal setting for me to say... "f this... I'm done".
Him being on tour gives this whole thing a kind of unreal feeling. It's easy to treat someone like a stranger when you've been apart for 8 months.
I hope this makes some sense. I also hope that this makes it clear that, while in the back of my mind I have hope, but I am thinking that, that hope isn't very realistic. Him treating me badly, in person, to my face will make things real VERY quickly.
Why are you waiting until May? All of what you've written is based on your expectation that he will walk in the door, realize he's been foolish, sweep you off your feet, carry you to the bedroom and all will be well.
If when he returns and you're not there and he does have an awakening, he can find you.
I would be so gone when he gets back.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm staying until May because financially it is better for me. Plus moving in 5 feet of snow (heck even house hunting in it) [censored] here in Canada. And I am stuck with the debt of the wedding that is a monthly thing until June first. I can't pay rent/mortgage and the payment every single month. Well I can, but I refuse to go into debt for this man/relationship.
So... I don't HAVE to do it, so I won't. And it works out as I am thinking about buying a condo that I've been looking at and it's possession date is May 7th.
