Building a more solid personal Foundation

[LITB]

Last Thread: In the eye of my storm

I’m going to share a little about my journey before I give my update since I am now going on 14 months since the bomb.

As I type this today, I look at my sitch as the best and worst things that could have happened to me.

Obviously the worst, because it’s the end of my M and my family is now broken.

Now it was the best thing that could have happened to me because it forced me to do some soul searching and introspection that would not have happened otherwise. (as most of us on these DB forums are most likely doing)

I have gone back to church and have grown tremendously from a spiritual standpoint. As a matter of fact, our song leader will be taking leave to give birth to her twin boys and I was asked to substitute for her. It certainly is not because of my vocal talents. I was told because I am reliable and I always have a smile on my face. I’m flattered that I was asked.

At the beginning of my sitch and in my W’s court declaration she accused me of being an absent and non-participating husband and father. After writing my rebuttal declaration and getting many supporting declarations from our children’s pediatrician and coach, along with many others who saw me put my family first, I no longer bought her accusations. Even after she read my response and the support I had attained, it didn’t help her see the light. As a matter of fact, it irritated my W. Her perspective just differed from everyone else’s.

The point I am trying to make is that I was a good father, however there is always room for improvement. There is/was certainly no point in trying to convince my W that her POV is wrong. It doesn’t work. So the next best thing was to reprioritize what is most important to me. I cut back the amount of time I spent watching sports and surfing the internet. I began investing more of my time into my children. We began to do different things that they hadn’t experienced. We had a blast while they were living me in CA and we have a blast on my limited interaction when I visit them in NM.

Guess what? My W has taken notice. She gave me greeting cards for Father’s Day and my birthday that said something to the effect, “The babies are blessed to have such an amazing dad”. Actions speak louder than words. My children deserve the changes and my W noticing is a good thing.

One of the biggest mistakes that I made was trying not to stir things up by not fighting more aggressively for custody of my children at the beginning for fear of pushing my W further away. I couldn’t push her further away. She was already finished. I was warned by some members here(namely SandyCay) and I thought I knew best. I was wrong. Hopefully someone else can learn from that mistake.

I have picked up playing golf, which is one of my GAL activities. I have the opportunity to play a round at Pebble Beach over President’s Day weekend, however I usually go to NM to visit with my children. Not sure I can swing it. Unless God blesses me with a new job that begins in early March. Yeah, I am being a bit selfish in my hope, but my children come first.

I’m trying to coordinate getting started on piano lessons. Thinking about taking some salsa dancing lessons and cooking classes. When I move, I hope to start skiing with my children and get back to hunting again. Something I haven’t done since meeting my W.

I still find myself having a rough day every now and then, but overall…………….Life is good. There are many great members of this forum to thank. Some who have posted to me and some who have not. I appreciate all the great information I can absorb and incorporate into my life.

[sandycay]

LITB ~ Glad to see an update and I am sorry that your children are not with you. I see you are being aggressive in finding a job to be closer to them which is a good thing.

Frankly, I don't know why she would be in NM but she has help there right? Because although my ex lives 15 minutes from here he has seen the kids roughly 8 times last year to take them out to eat. I have no help or family...just two teenagers getting through High school...then I will relocate.

I don't know why you caught my attention back when this first started for you as I don't post much for the amount of time I have been on the board but something jumped out at me. I just felt like your wife was taking advantage of you and your situation to get what she wanted. When your kids grow up they are not going to appreciate what she did.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mother married a very controlling man....My dad shared with me when I was 35 that he tried for 4 years to get custody of me.

I thought it was awesome how he never talked poorly of my mother and never told me he was doing it. It really made me ticked at my mother to whom I had always had a very close relationship with but I would have like to spent more time with my daddy.

That said, my dad was not a good husband but he was a great dad and she and my stepdad couldn't separate the two.

[LITB]

Hey sandycay,

Good to see you around as well. Thank you for sharing your childhood experience. That sukks that you had to go thru what you did. It does give me some insight on what children deal with when their parents divorce at such a young age.

I'm sure hearing your dad tell you that he fought for custody brought different emotions. Just curious if your relationship with your mom changed.

You are right. I let my W take advantage of me back then. If I knew then what I know now, right?

My W does have support in NM, because both of our families are there. I suppose if she was gonna go anywhere, I would want it to be there. You know it really wouldn't matter where she moved, her mom lives with her, so she has live in support. When I move, my mom will be moving in with me too.

Speaking of moving, I'm still working to setup more interviews. The company I want to work for, wants to hire me. They are waiting to get a contract signed. I'm so anxious to be with my kids, but I know I have to wait.

[LITB]

An update on my sitch(long):

I got back from my 11 day trip to NM on Jan 3. I spent quality time with my children and the rest of my family.

The day I flew to NM, our D8 had to be taken to the ER because she was having trouble breathing. She was having asthma like symptoms, which she had when she was young. Apparently a virus she caught triggered the scare. Thankfully she is fine and was released a couple of hours later.

The next day, my W and I took our D to a follow up appointment. As we waited to be called, we were having a casual conversation. I knew that our D was transported to the hospital by ambulance, so I asked if my W had gone with her. My W did, which was good and then I asked if my MIL had picked them up. My D said, “No, Paul (OM) picked us up, Paul (insert last name)”. That caught me off guard. Thankfully my D needed the bathroom right after that. It gave me enough time to think about it. When they were coming from the bathroom, we got called into the checkup room. It did bother me, but I never brought it up.

So we got the bad part out of the way immediately. The rest of the trip went well.

When I was in NM for thanksgiving my W and I had discussed our children’s Christmas list, however that was the extent of the convo. As Christmas approached and we began talking about the gifts, my W asked if we could split the cost, then give them to our children “From: Mom and Dad”. I thought it was a bit odd, but I agreed to it as it didn’t hurt. As a matter of fact, it worked out great as my W did the shopping and I didn’t have to worry about shipping or traveling with additional items.

The one thing that I didn’t know was when/where were we going to be giving them the gifts. Before I asked, my W let me know that they (My W and MIL) were going to my hometown for Christmas Eve and would be at my sister’s house if it was okay with me. Again, that was fine with me. Still a bit odd, but I felt like there was nothing wrong with my children having their parents in the same room for the holidays without any tension. They opened most of their gifts at my sister’s, which was a nice gesture on my W’s part.

Additionally, I bought my W some tennis shoes as a gift from our children. She had mentioned she needed some for my previous visit. She was pleasantly surprised and thanked me even though they were from our children. Thankfully I did that, because she also got me a shirt, sweatshirt and beanie of my favorite university from our children. My D8 was funny, she said, “that isn’t from us, mom bought it”.

Christmas Eve turned out great. What a difference a year makes. The year before, I was like a lost puppy dog, begging my wife to reconsider. This year, I did my own thing and gave her space.

For Christmas my S5 and I went to my W’s family’s house for a few hours. My D8 stayed at my sister’s place as she had all of my nieces to play with and didn’t want to leave. It was the first time I saw my W’s family since the previous Christmas. Everyone was happy to see me. They made me feel like I was still a part of the family. I don’t think they bought what my W was shoveling to them about me last year when she

We have come a long way since my W threatened to put a restraining order on me back in August when we were dealing with court hearings, custody and child support.

To be continued…….

[LITB]

So after Christmas Day, I didn’t see my W until the following Thursday. I asked her if it was okay to spend a couple of nights at her place in the city as I wanted to take my children roller skating and to see the Christmas lights. She agreed that it was fine to stay with her. (My sister lives about 100 miles from the city)

On Thursday evening we met some of her family for dinner. On Friday we took my W to lunch, then my children and I went to a movie. In the evening we all went to see the River of Lights.

On Saturday (New Year’s Eve) we went roller skating as a family and then I met some friends for a college basketball game that my W got me tickets to. In the evening my children and I went back to my sister’s house for the New Year celebration.

My children and I returned to my W’s house on Monday. I spent another night there. We took my W to lunch on Tuesday and I took my children to the Museum of Natural History. In the evening, my W took me to the airport.

We didn’t talk about the D or our R at all during my visit. An overall good visit.

[LITB]

The update on the D:

So the D had been continued from Nov. 4th to Jan. 9th pending my job search. I’m still looking for a job down there, however I felt it was best to move forward with the settlement agreement to get some closure. It has been long enough.

My L and I corresponded moving forward. She (my L) agreed to get the settlement agreement drafted up and continue it until March 5th. I told her that I liked the idea of continuing it for 2 months, because it gave me additional time to find a new job and move. Furthermore, I told her that my W and I have come a long way and if (a BIG IF) there is a possibility to reconcile, it would be when I move and my W has to be without our children half of the time.

I did not say to her that my W and I are working towards reconciling or even that we had discussed it.

My L with all of her infinite wisdom told my W’s L that we are working on the Settlement Agreement and/or Reconciliation. WT…!!! I did not say that!! My L told me that my W’s L said she just wanted to get the D over with and we had not talked about reconciling. Ugh….very infuriorating.

I called my L on it too. No apology. Not even a reply. Another lesson learned.

This past Tuesday, I scheduled my next trip to NM flying in on the evening of Jan 26th and returning the morning of Jan. 30th. I emailed my W to let her know when I will be in town. She asked me if I needed for her to book a room for me (she works at a hotel). I asked her if she could book it for Friday and Saturday nights and if it would be okay for me to stay at her place Thursday and Sunday nights.

She said that she felt it was best for me to make other arrangements. SURPRISE!!!

I waited to respond, because I was not happy about it. I sent my L another email letting her know that what she did was already having an effect on my sitch.

When I replied, I told my W that I understood. I don’t want to impose.

We did work out my arrangements. Good times.

[MrBond]

I don't get it. If you and your W have been talking R, then why continue with the legal paperwork for D?

[LITB]

I don't get it. If you and your W have been talking R, then why continue with the legal paperwork for D?

Exactly Bond. I don't know why my L would say that if I didn't tell her we talked about R.

In a general email conversation, I said that we had come a long way and if we were to reconcile it would be when I move.

We have come a long way. You may recall when my W was angry with me about fighting for my children, and she told me that my dad (who is deceased) would not be proud of what I was doing and I hung up on her. You told me something to the effect of dealing with her like I was dealing with a crazy, homeless person.

She doesn't spew that crazy venom anymore. I don't know if it means anything more than being amicable with one another. That's fine with me. It is better than the alternative.

[jbnati]

LITB, it's good to see you back around. I'm glad you had a overall good visit to NM. I was sorry to hear about the OM thing at the beginning of your trip, but I'm glad to hear rest of it was pretty good.

I'm really thankful your situation has brought you closer to God.

Regarding the L thing, I am sorry to hear things are getting jacked up. They're probably just doing their job. They're probably used to most people who just want to get it over with and they want to do the same.

I totally agree, you and your W have come a long way. If nothing you will be in an amicable situation - you're right on that one, and hopefully that's only the worst case scenario.

I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

[~ kd ~]

Hey LITB, I did want to chime in as well and say how well you otherwise seem to be doing.

A few months ago my W was angry with me and accusing me of going after spousal. Of course at the time I would have considered it but I hadn't. I thought of all the different people she might have got that mis-information from.

In the end, I found out that her L and the L I had been seeking advice from (but had not retained for cost reasons) had spoken. Apparently, the L I spoke with stated that to my W's L.

I was upset, but I really chalked it up to L posturing. I have no doubt my L was simply stating a possibility and meant no harm and had my best interest in mind. Still, it really did not help the rift that was already in place.

Just like our spouses, we can assert our desires to our Ls, but they are human and apt to do what they will do and we can't really control that. Just communicate better with them and roll with the punches that our sitches throw at us.