A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available November 16-25 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100

CALL 303-444-7004

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love #2210750
01/06/12 06:06 PM
01/06/12 06:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Accuray Offline OP
Member
Accuray  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
I've been reading "After the Affair" by Janis and Michael Spring. This passage resonated with me and I figured I would share it:

"Love is not static. We grow dissatisfied and move apart; affection returns and we pull together again. Some people, ignorant of the process, pull away when the good times end and assume the bad times will last forever. These people flee, mope, or drift into affairs. Others see the ups and downs as part of a dynamic process, which, when anticipated and understood, can enrich and revitalize their relationship, even give it a punch.

If you accept that feelings of love are neither steady nor constant, but travel in natural cycles, you'll be more prepared to bear up under the turmoil that follows periods of contentment, and see beyond it. Some researchers have documented that periods of discontent come at four-year intervals. Others trace the stages of love in a more linear progression, from romance to disillusion to maturity.

As psychologists Barry Dyn and Michael Glenn put it, the first stage is one of expansion and promise. The second is a time of contraction and betrayal, when both of you become less compromising, less available for change, and begin to retreat into rigid patterns and routines, many of which predate your relationship. At this point you're likely to feel immensely let down with each other and caught up in a handful of well-defined, interpersonal struggles, all variations on the same few themes that repeat themselves in different forms throughout the life of your relationship. If these domestic scenes don't tear the two of you apart, or wear you down, and if you can come to terms with each other's limitations, you're likely to enter the third stage of love -- one of compromise, accomodation, integration, and resolution.

Thus, somewhere after the romantic prelude, and as a prerequisite to entering a more solid, secure, intimate relationship, what must inevitably take place is a period of disenchantment. The person you deified turns out to have clay feet. The fairy tale you were living is now, it seems, a true-life story with no happily-ever-after. Your criticisms are likely to escalate and become more shrill, and your level of sexual excitement to decline. If you're going to bridge those choppy waters, you'll have to come to terms with the dimunition of everything that once seemed so thrilling or easy when you were courting.

...

Every sustained relationship has these moments of annoyance and disappointment, its gall and wormwood, if only because two people rarely have the same needs at any given moment. Qualities that you like in your partner on one day you're likely to hate on another, not necessarily because of anything your partner says or does differently, but because of conflicts within yourself. The attention you were so grateful for last Tuesday, you may resent today as a threat to your independence. The charm and gallantry you so admired on Wednesday, you may dismiss on Thursday as excessive need for attention. Unless you're blinded by love, there is no way to ignore, or to deny, one side without the other, no way to separate out what you love from what you hate, for they are two sides of the same person."

What I take from this is that most of us on the board are in the period of disenchantment (or the victim of it). If we can DB and get through this, "mature love" waits on the other shore, with compromise and resolution waiting for us.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: Accuray] #2210754
01/06/12 06:14 PM
01/06/12 06:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,111
California
W
WenikiTiki Offline
Member
WenikiTiki  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,111
California
I most certainly hope this is true!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: Accuray] #2210756
01/06/12 06:15 PM
01/06/12 06:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 335
WA
K
kolja Offline
Member
kolja  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 335
WA
Originally Posted By: Accuray

What I take from this is that most of us on the board are in the period of disenchantment (or the victim of it).


I'm absolutely convinced that's PART of what's going on in ours...


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: kolja] #2210757
01/06/12 06:16 PM
01/06/12 06:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 568
Pennsylvania
A
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member
Autumn Leaves  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 568
Pennsylvania
Makes a lot of sense


-Autumn

Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: WenikiTiki] #2210762
01/06/12 06:19 PM
01/06/12 06:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,262
M
Mach1 Offline
Member
Mach1  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,262
Great words Accuray....

You are wise beyond your post count, in the ways of DB....

Thank you for paying it forward my friend...

Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: Autumn Leaves] #2210764
01/06/12 06:21 PM
01/06/12 06:21 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 345
N
nhmom Offline
Member
nhmom  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 345
Thanks for the excerpt. It gives us LBS's hope to continue. I just wish someone could make the WAS see and understand this as well. It could save so much pain, tears, and agony and shorten the time of the "storm".


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: nhmom] #2210899
01/07/12 03:48 AM
01/07/12 03:48 AM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
The Fabulous West Coast!
W
westcoastfella Offline
Member
westcoastfella  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
The Fabulous West Coast!
I think "After the Affair" is a great book. Along with "Not Just Friends," it was one of my primary sources of info and comfort during the start of my sitch. If anyone has read "NJF," I suggest picking up "AA" as well. They each cover things that aren't in each other.

I agree with Accuray that most of us LBS' are surviving as victims of the "disillusionment" stage. How paradoxical that getting through this stage can lead to the happiest stage of all.


Us: mid-20s
T: 5.5 yrs
M: 2 yrs
S + OM: 6/21/11
Legally S'd: 9/9/11

In this life, you have a limited amount of mental currency. You get what you pay for, so spend it wisely.

So it goes. --Kurt Vonnegut
Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: westcoastfella] #2211102
01/08/12 01:58 AM
01/08/12 01:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Accuray Offline OP
Member
Accuray  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Thanks WestCoast, I put NJF on my kindle list

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: Accuray] #2211115
01/08/12 03:03 AM
01/08/12 03:03 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 201
Wisconsin
M
mr mr Offline
Member
mr mr  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 201
Wisconsin
That's certainly how I see my sitch. We have this same dance about every 4 years.


Michael

Me:46 /W:37
M:13 /T:16
D's:19,18,17,6
S:10
W filed 8/15/11
Court 9/21/12

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional.
Re: Moving From Romantic Love to Mature Love [Re: Accuray] #2211122
01/08/12 03:36 AM
01/08/12 03:36 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
BklynMom Offline
Member
BklynMom  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
Accuray thank you thank you thank you. That resonated so much with me. So much! I pray each day that we can all make it to the other side. I pray each day that our WAS can read something to this effect.

Can you email this to my H for me, ... please?

I really believe that what is waiting for me is better than what I had. THank you again - loved it!


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004