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A Message from Michele
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Re: Rock and an hard place [Re: Truegritter] #2214186
01/19/12 11:39 PM
01/19/12 11:39 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline OP
Member
ANS  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
Thanks for your input, Grit.

I've been putting a lot of thought into what you said.

Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I think in most of these cases where there is smoke there is fire.

And I disagree it does matter the gender of a close friend if your W is heterosexual.

ANS let me ask you back to my earlier diatribe on doormatism:

Does this relationship your W is having make you feel ok?

As to smoke and fire, my W has come to a lot of incorrect conclusions based on that theory. Iíd like not to make the same mistakes. That being said, the things that my W believe to be true have certainly given her justification for any behavior that she wouldnít have thought right before, so Iím not foolish enough to think that it would not include an A.

But thatís not enough smoke to convince me of it. Does that whole thing make me feel OK? Nope. Does MFís gender matter (to me)? In all honesty, it does, but it would also be a problem for me if they were two women members of the SSW.

Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I think you are right to be concerned about what your children think. Is this the example you want to set for them?

The example Iím setting is one of commitment. I know it may not look like that from what you know about my sit, but my kids know my feelings in that respect. If they ever have similar problems, and Iím still around, I know that I will be able to encourage them to work things out. I will be able to do that with my head held high.

Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Have you read the resources on boundaries?

I can post what I saved back when I needed them if necessary.

They are to protect you from bad choices your partner is making. And they have to have consequences for breaking them.

Iíve put a lot of thought into boundries. Iím not done thinking about them, but hereís the kicker...

They must have consequences for breaking them. Either that, or W would have to buy into their legitimacy. On the first point, for a variety of reasons, there are no consequences that I am willing to threaten my W with. And make no mistake about it, she would consider any consequences that I create as a threat. As to Wís buy-in, well... MFís W pushed both W and I out of the picture. And how did MF react? By maintaining his R with W (and me to a lesser extent) behind her back. Iíve no doubt that W would do the same, and that wouldnít be better than the way things are now. Not by a long shot.

There already are consequences to Wís actions. I occasionally see glimpses of her being aware of that too. Iím hoping (but not holding my breath) that sheíll come to a better realization of those consequences on her own; without me having to manufacture any new consequences on my own. She can no longer accuse me of being controlling. Yeah. She can accuse me of anything, but eventually the foundation of that belief crumbles to pieces.

Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Give some thought to what you value in a relationship and how you would like to be treated. More importantly how you would treat someone if the roles were switched.

Would you carry on a relationship like this with a woman that excluded your W? Would YOU consider it acceptable?

Of course I wouldnít. And to answer your unasked question, I donít consider Wís exclusion of me to be acceptable either. But I make my choices, and W makes hers.

I really think that I have to make my decisions based on what I think is right, despite what W chooses right now. I also think that Wís decisions are somewhat based on avoiding pain; particularly guilt. I donít believe in guilt; neither mine or hers. Iíve done her wrong. No doubt about it. I donít feel a whit of guilt over it. Instead of feeling guilt, or rationalizing my faults, Iíve tried to correct anything that Iíve become aware of. I wish W could see it that way.

Sheís going to have to come through it in her own way, and in her own time.


Andy
Re: Rock and an hard place [Re: ANS] #2256392
06/21/12 08:53 PM
06/21/12 08:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline OP
Member
ANS  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
Haven't been around for awhile, but I just got some quotes that I think apply to DB-ers, so I figured I'd share them:

PERSEVERANCE

Quote:
Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote:
If you are going through hell, keep going.
-- Winston Churchill

Quote:
No great thing is created suddenly.
-- Epictetus

Quote:
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
-- Thomas Edison

Quote:
You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.
-- Maya Angelou


Andy
Re: Rock and an hard place [Re: ANS] #2256447
06/22/12 02:04 AM
06/22/12 02:04 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Canoe'k-land
~
~ kd ~ Offline
Member
~ kd ~  Offline
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~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Canoe'k-land
Nice ones!

How you doin', Andy? I'm guessing by the post that you're still keepin' at 'er... cool

Re: Rock and an hard place [Re: ~ kd ~] #2259653
07/03/12 09:56 PM
07/03/12 09:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline OP
Member
ANS  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
Yep. Not going anywhere fast, but if I'm anything, its stubborn. Just ask my W wink


Andy
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