When I would ask if it was done for good, it was because I wanted to be able to let it all go and not have to think about it or deal with strategies for how to cope not only with myself and D's, but with him. I wanted a concrete answer so that if I pulled a bonehead move (or something I even thought was) I wouldn't obssess over it later, wondering if that was the staw that finally broke the camels back.
^I like this, thanks grace!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Well fellow DBs I must be doing EVERYTHING wrong. H is gone and hasn't looked back....yet. Not even a peak. I havn't iniated any contact, I have lost weight (27 lbs), gone through FPU (finance class at church), got a full time job with a 5% raise, found child care by myself, and started making time for friends. I have tried to be nice, understanding, and neutral with my now xh but nothing has worked. As soon as he signed the big D papers he started having second thoughts. Not about us or coming home but about the financial reprecousions. He is like a child kicking and screaming. He send me nasty texts bullying me telling me to let him out of paying spousal maintance. I kept putting him off saying I would think about it, let me talk to my lawyer, I'm not sure, etc.. Finaly after speaking with my lawyer who was confident that the judge would uphold the agreement, I told him no. I wasn't volunteering to change the agreement on my own. If he wanted it changed he would have to go to court to do it. I told him that I was a different girl now and that I was going to stand up for myself. I told hi that he has made it very clear with his words and actions that he didn't care for me or about me anymore and that I had to do what was best for me and our son. He didn't like that. He said if i didn't give in he would try to change the custody arangment. (i have sole custody) He is trying to use custody of our kid as leverage. Sick!!!!! I wanted to give in so badly but didn't. I stood up to him. I hope I made the right decision. I want him to respect me. To understand that my no's mean no and yes's mean yes. He thinks he can bully his way. I just pray that this dosnt push him away for good. He has sooo much anger towards me. He blames me for all his financial problems. I told him tonight that he needs to stop blaming me for those issues. He said he can't stand me and cant live with me that I drive him crazy. Ouch. I said you could have talked to me about it and he said I'm not talking to you about anything. He is just like a little kid. I wish he would be the guy i married and had a baby with. I can see the goodness in him...deep down. I want him to be a man of his word and start living that way. blahhhh this [censored]!!!! Hope i didnt [censored] every thing up
You did fine. Let him continue to rage on. You put your foot down and he didn't like. So much like a spoiled child. Don't let threats of your child scare you off. Talk to your L about his threats. Log everything down and save them.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MB just read some of ur posts. Has it gotten better for you? Has your end goal of reconciliation changed? I to wish there were more resources for reconciliation of d.
Things have been better in my sitch, although we are not R...yet. My W had to go through the anger stage, blaming me, etc. I rode all those out and the thing is that things didn't start to change until I put my foot down and told her enough was enough. That I wasn't the source of her unhappiness and that she had a choice. She could either continue to act like a 12 year old or a mature adult.
Since then, she's been calling me to see how my day is going, does nice things to me, etc. This is after absolutely nothing for 2 years. I may be lacking in alot of things, but patience isn't one of them. LOL.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Do not - DO NOT - let your H bully you out of money that you DESERVE.
So he's discovering that it's more expensive to have two households than one? Boo hoo
So he thinks he can get more custody? This from the man who has been spending three hours a week with his kid?
So he doesn't want to pay half of the childcare costs - so you can WORK and support your child???
Honestly, any judge would probably laugh in his face. Your attorney told you this is a reasonable settlement, then it is. So he is resorting to bullying you, because he thinks he can pull one over on you that way. DON'T LET HIM.
It's a big mistake women make - giving up their financial rights in the divorce, in hopes that he'll come back. Don't let him play you like that. You need all your resources to plan a solid financial future for you and your child.
Keep contact to a minimum. When he brings this stuff up, tell him that's for the attorneys. Refuse to get sucked in.
In retrospect, was he a bully in the marriage? Or was this totally out of character behavior?
(Btw - this is not uncommon, for a guy to agree to one thing, then talk to other guys and decide he got "taken" in the divorce. My ex would probably tell you the same thing, even though our divorce was very fair and I actually gave up a number of things I could have won in court, just because I didn't want to deal with him any more).
Klm, that is exactly what happened to my xh. He said he talked to his "friends" an how much they pay and he has realized he has gotten screwed. To be fair he did not have his own lawyer, by his own chosing because he wnted out sooooo bad, and "gave" me what he thought he could so I wouldnt contest. But again, this was all his choice. He came up with the agreement, he wanted the divorce. He wasnt a bully until he became a cop. At about two years into his career and after the birth of our child he started bullying. So after the big "talk" and he got upset and stuff he txted me a while later asking if I would just not make him pay allimony and us not go through lawyers or court. just let him off the hook. I didnt respond. I dont know what to say to that.
MrB Wow 2 years you hung in there? Impressive. Did your D get finialized? What made it turn around for you? Do tell im so curious?
I agree with the others. Consult a L. My W kept telling me the same that I did not need one that all we had was the house. But she got a L and served me. So when I met with mine things changed. I am entitled to 401ks and even some alimony. He is responsible as a father for child support specially if you can't afford to care for them. That is a man's 1st responsibility to financially care for his children. SO DON'T let him off the hook
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
