New Here; Husband left

[TMC25]

Today H starts texting me that he has been talking to his uncle ( alawyer) and other divorced men in the family and he has "woken up" to the fact that I have screwed HIM in the divorce. He tells me that if we do not ammend the agreement we will go back to court and fight. Basically he no longer wants to pay half of the daycare costs, whic is 300 a month. I tell him no thats not fair, i cant afford it on my own. We fight some more and I ask him if he can sleep at night. His answer ripped my heart out. He said yes he sleeps just fine and better now that he dosnt wake up breathing next to me. or me breathing one of the two. I got off the phone w/ him and burst into tears. I sent him a message a while later asking why he was so hateful to me, that i WOULD have loved him 4 ever, no matter what job he had, how much money he had or didnt have, or whatever mistakes he had made as a husband. I said i know i wasnt perfect and there were things i would have done differently but i never stopped loving him. he replied sometimes people just cant get along. wtf anyway me made me and offer before we go back to court. i told him i would let him know in a week. he wanted an answer then and there but i said no. i cant believe he said that to me, really really shocked and hurt. to top it off his uncle will be representing him 4 free. nice

[labug]

He's pulling your string and you're responding. I know it's hard but you have to stop. Nothing good will come of it. You deserve better treatment.

[TMC25]

H starts texting me again saying he dosnt want to make this harder on me than it allready is but i have to be reasonable w/ him. he expains all his financial troubles to me. then he sends me pics of the baby which i didnt have. I guess thats his way of trying to say sorry. he said he didnt want to fight. i cant ride this coaster any more.

[Coyote]

"Coyote you said that it might be 2 + years before I'm in the clear w/ H. What did you mean by that?"

I should give more explanation here. Understand this is just to help give you a better understanding so that hopefully you don't waste so much energy going over, 'what if I had done this or that, and what if I had...etc etc.' It's an easy rut to get into.

Almost always, when a person/S goes through a radical, persistent change in their behaviour like this it doesn't get 'worked out' overnight. Especially when it's an up/down roller coaster ride like what you've seen from your H.

While it seemed like it to you, this is not something that happened over night with H. He's probably been feeling increasingly out of sorts for around 6 months, maybe up to a year. Like something's not quite right. Finally, like a wound up rubber band it snapped. I've seen this pattern with my WAS and many others. (Read alot on it too.)

As a side note, again, try not to waste energy going over, 'if I would have done such and such this wouldn't have happened.' Often, when a person has finally come out of this they have reported that, 'even if my spouse had been perfect this would have happened anyway.' (I have personally heard this myself a few times from 3 different individuals, my WAW being one of them.)

Yes, there are other WAS's that are basically cheesed off at a few things/a group of things from their S. Behaviour from their S's that's been grating on them for a long time and they've finally had enough. However, these WAS's don't usually do the up/down roller coaster thing. This is not the case with your H.

Your H has to work through this on his own. There's nothing you can do for H. You have to leave H alone while he's off on his roller coaster ride. When H is ready to come out of his 'tunnel' it will be gradual. In small stages. It won't be all at once. Sure, sometimes it may actually seem like H is back but then H will probably scurry back into his tunnel for a bit more. Gradually, this will get less and less. Knock on wood, H will come out of the tunnel for good. Expect a little change though if he does. Usually, when people go through something like this they come out of it changed a little. (There are a select few that, unfortunately, don't come out of their tunnel. Chances are your H is not one but just a small heads up here.)

This is why, as I said before, you can expect at least about a year or 2 before you can 'start' to feel you're in the clear with H.

Keep chipping away at the positive changes you need to make for yourself. One by one. Changes that help you become a fuller, better, more balanced individual. You need to do this for you and your child. If and when your H comes back around in a genuine fashion to see what's up you won't be someone mired in bitterness, accusations and finger pointing.

[Coyote]

Now that we've cleared the air on the above,

"I sent him a message a while later asking why he was so hateful to me, that i WOULD have loved him 4 ever, no matter what job he had, how much money he had or didnt have, or whatever mistakes he had made as a husband...We fight some more and I ask him if he can sleep at night. His answer ripped my heart out. "

Again, you have to stop these ILYs, 'why do you hate me' or 'what did I ever do to you' thingy's completely. Otherwise, as you found out you're going to spiral down into H's tunnel. When you do this H will push buttons and H knows 'exactly' which ones to push. Vent here, or with a trusted friend or C instead when you need too.

As we talked about, limit contact with H to only that which is necessary. Contact concerning necessary details with D and child. Keep it clinical and dry. Yes, you'll be cringing inside. You'll want to say this or that. Especially when H trys to bait you with some tantalizing argument material. Resist or you'll get burned more. Again, vent here or with a trusted friend or C when you need too instead.

[TMC25]

Things have been pretty bad lately. H continues his crazy coaster rides w/o any ups so to speak. He has outbursts of nasty towards me. I've made no efforts to try to get him to do anything. No ilu's im sorrys, or anything else. I really miss him. I'm struggling. Nothing seems to be working. How do i know if its really over 4 ever or just for now. I need encouragement from my fellow dbs! Give me some hope

[TMC25]

Looking for some hope/ inspiration from people....

[Accuray]

How's it going TMC? I don't know what I can offer in terms of hope or inspiration other than the fact that you will come away from this experience a stronger more emotionally mature person than when you went in.

When we go through these experiences, we are forced to become "relationship experts" to some degree. If H comes back to the table, or if you find yourself with someone new down the line, the experience and what you've learned will give your future relationships a much better chance of success than someone who is holding onto romantic notions about "fairy tale love" or a marriage with a "soul mate" that requires no work.

One way or another you will find "happy", and the highs will be so much better by virtue of the memory of the lows. You are on the side of the righteous, you are trying to do what is best for your family. Keep doing the best job you can and feel good about that. You have a lot to be proud of.

Accuray

[Coyote]

Sorry for the delay TMC, as I said to another I've been out of the loop for a bit. (Holiday festivities, life and such...)

I will get back to you more later. For now, know that with H and where he is there's nothing you can do to influence him now or in the next while. You have to let H twist and turn and generally do his own thing. Again, limit contact with H to that which is only necessary.

"I really miss him. I'm struggling."

I'm going to post something I posted for another but I feel it's needed here as well,

When these feelings wash over they aren't pleasant, to say the least. Say for example, one moment, you're driving the car down the road, everything's fine. Then by chance you happen to pass a favourite hangout for you and H. Or even hear a song on the radio that the two of you have a connection with. All of a sudden, BAMM, feelings of sadness, loneliness, even grief wash over you. (Heck, for the first while I would often have to pull over to get it out of my system or enough that I would be able to drive again.)

Know that for this type of lousy situation these feelings are normal. You can't just sweep them or 'will' them away. They'll come back to bite you on the @$%&! down the road if you do.

Again, keep chipping away at any positives you figure need looking at. As you work through this, you'll get a better and deeper understanding of what's what. The sun does shine again but it has to peek through some clouds first,

Coyote

[Grace_O]

TMC,

How do i know if its really over 4 ever or just for now.

Would you behave differently if it was forever vs now? If so, what would the difference be?

When you feel even a tiny bit better, what are you doing?

The hope you're looking for is inside of you. Are you more of the type that believes that hope is:

“Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man”
Friedrich Nietzsche

or

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"
Emily Dickinson

When I would ask if it was done for good, it was because I wanted to be able to let it all go and not have to think about it or deal with strategies for how to cope not only with myself and D's, but with him. I wanted a concrete answer so that if I pulled a bonehead move (or something I even thought was) I wouldn't obssess over it later, wondering if that was the staw that finally broke the camels back.

Being the best expression of yourself for you and your kidlet is what's going to give you not only hope, but the best life.

Hang in there.

HUGS