Hi all! Hope everyone had a blessed Christmas. I just returned from a 7 day cruise with my kids and we had a blast! It was a bit strange at times being on vacation alone with so many families around, but it was great none the less!
So when we arrived home, H came in to my room (I was unpacking, etc.) and he told me how much he had missed me and how he was not going to make any promises, but that he wanted to go to counseling and work on our marriage!
I need advice- I am terrified that this is just another phase and that he is not serious. What do I do? How do I act? I think I am more confused now than I have been. HELP!!!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
Just be yourself. Live your life as you have been doing. Talk is cheap...let's see if he can do the walk. Allow him to do the work and make the appointments. Do not try to "mother" him.
BTW, I'm glad you and the children had a wonderful cruise. You needed the break!
Happy Holidays!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So the past few days have been very awkward as we try to move into this next phase.
Both days when he came home from work, he kissed me and hugged me, but then went up to his room for the rest of the evening. Yesterday he sent a text telling me to have a good day. I went out for my run last night and when I came back, we sat down to talk.
He shared: 1. He has an apartment that he rented a month ago. He had the power turned on. When he went to the furniture store- he picked out furniture, but then said he couldn't pay for it. Leading him to think he really needed to try a final time to make this work.
2. He told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't know if he could get that back. After all that has happened, that still hurt me to hear.
3. He told me that he would never go back to the church we attend. He told me has has his own relationship with God, but that no church was going to tell him how to live his life and how to spend his money, etc. Without my faith over these past four months, I would be in the loony bin, and I am not willing to compromise on this. I am just going to continue to pray that God changes his heart on this.
4. He told me he is still going to counseling (I thought he had stopped.) But that he wasn't ready to share with me all that was going on with him. His counselor is on vacation this week, and he said she doesn't even know of his decision to stay. He is going to call her next week to see if she is ready to see us as a couple.
5. He also said that he doesn't see how any of his behavior these past few months is effecting the kids. He blamed my son's anger and outbursts on the boy next door.
Needless to say I am very leery of this new him. I want to hope that this will work, but I am very skeptical. I am just going to continue going on with my plans and trusting God for guidance, and let H make the moves. UGH! This is what I wanted- to try to work on the marriage, but it seems so much more difficult now that it is here!!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
psalm, This positing is not meant to upset you, but I want you to be prepared for what may come down the pike because so much of what you have posted today has happened to all of us. I want you to be prepared. Okay?
Continue as you have been doing. I think he still has one foot out the door. From your posting, he has not terminated the lease for the apartment nor indicated that he has turned the utilities off.
He says that he wants to work on the marriage, etc. Time will tell if he is just saying that or if he does the actual work. They try to appease us by telling us what they think we want to hear. Please, please keep your expectations at zero.
Well, it sounds like he's got issues w/the church/religion and his life and money. Authority tends to be irking him now.
Psalm, I truly hope that the two of you can work this out, but please be prepared for him to bolt if he get to the point that he can't or won't do the work that is necessary to heal the rift in your marriage. I am also going to warn you...there may be someone else waiting for him in the wings...that you aren't aware of. No matter what he is telling you, if the urge gets stronger to bolt, he will find a way to do it and trust me, he won't care where the money comes from to set up his new place.
Please begin working on your financial situation to ensure that you are not stuck w/a lot of his bills, if he should leave. Make sure that you have your own checking/savings account and if you do nothing else, watch your joint credit card bills. I would even go as far as to tell you to begin the process of removing either your name or his from them. You do not want to get stuck with his bills if he should board the Mother Ship for the long MLC voyage.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly- I don't upset easily anymore! I appreciate your help and guidance and do not take it as you are trying to hurt me. That is why I am here- for help in dealing with this crazy ride!
I agree 100% that he still has one foot out the door. Almost like he is expecting it not to work, so he is prepared in case. I did tell him that I am also very guarded about where this is coming from/going and he told me he wanted me to keep my guard up. (I found this quite amusing)
As I have had time to process the whole conversation, I realize that although I do love him, I do not like him right now. He is someone I don't recognize. Or maybe I have changed enough to realize his true colors.
He wants to live a worldly life, not one devoted to God. This is a major division in our relationship. I know that God can change him and I will continue to pray for that.
Luckily our finances are separate and have been for a while. He is spending like crazy- I know he did get a raise at work (although he gets paid under the table, soemthing that I wholeheartedly disagree with). He will not talk about how much he makes, he just makes a biweekly deposit into my checking account for household bills.
Right now, I have zero expectations that this will work. I am going to continue with my life as if he did not even bring it up, and hope that he continues to make steps forward.
Cadet- Is there a link to that, is it a book? I have not heard of that, but will research it now. Thanks!
Me:37 H:44 M:13 T:17 S:8 D:9 H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11
psalm, I'm glad you weren't hurt by my posting. His comments/remarks are sending up red flags w/me. He has taken his script right out the mlc book. Yes, it's almost like he thinks it is not going to work.
Defintely keep your guard up...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You may have to check out the "used" book stores for these. I don't believe they are available as "new" any longer. However, the books are excellent and will put you on the right path of thinking.
As for HB's version of the stages, she rewrote them to fit what was going on w/her h. The stages are just a guideline and nothing is set in stone with the stages.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
