2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

It took a while, but I think I finally figured out how to start this new thread.
Testing...

[keep_going]

Here is a summary of my sitch:

H and I have been married for 13.5 years and together for 19.5.

Before our marriage we had a great R. Yet our M has been rocky from the start. Arguing and fighting has been a constant in my life and I grew up thinking that that is the norm in all M, so I didn't worry too much when my H and I started arguing constantly. I always thought we just needed to power thru it just like many other couples (like my parents). At the same time, I was really not doing much to improve the sit.

So our R has deteriorated with every passing year. I have had an anger problem - I was always pampered and I always resorted to throwing tantrums when things didn't go my way.

My H comes from a broken family and an abusive alcoholic father during his childhood. Arguing and conflict are natural triggers for him and the one thing he cannot deal with.

We both brought a lot of baggage to our relationship in addition to all the mistakes we've made, letting anger and resentment take over our marriage.

We bought a new house in 11/10 and also went to New Orleans for a week-long work convention from my husband's job.I returned 3 days earlier than he did and later found out that he started an EA with a client from Oakland the day after I left.

Three weeks later I found out I got pregnant during our trip (we had been trying all last year). My H later admitted that when he found out, he felt trapped by this pregnancy.

Dec 17, 2010 - We moved in to our new home
Dec 20, 2010- H told me ILYBNILWY. He said my anger had finally destroyed our relationship and that he was done trying and had given up on us and was moving out. Despite all our problems, I was shocked and in my usual angry reaction, I told him to leave - I didn't want him to stay if he didn't love me.

Dec 23, 2020 - H moved out

Jan 6-8 - H goes on trip to Oakland to see OW
Jan 9, 2011 - My 40th Birthday. H gives me a massage gift cert. with words "congratulations." He later admitted that he was trying to give me a present I would enjoy, but that did not involve him at all.
Jan 17, 2011 - we had our worst argument ever - I hit rock bottom and decided to get help for anger management and started working on fixing myself.

Jan. 23, 2011 - H joins online dating service

Jan. 31, 2011 - H goes to Oakland to see OW (he told me we was visiting a mutual friend in Palm Springs). When he returns, he asks for the D, saying he has a new life, new friends and he is happy. He also said he did not want anything to do with me anymore and I would need to start looking into how I would support myself because he was only willing to help with joint children's expenses.


Feb 1, 2011 - I start looking into our finances & learn about his EA with OW - crazy amount of calls and texts in phone bill, plus trip expenses in credit card. He says she is just a friend who with whom he shared his marital problems. He told me her H had cheated on her, yet they were working on restoring their marriage.

The affair turned physical either while he was still at home or sometime in January or February. I am still not sure when.

April 2011 - I confronted him again on his EA. He became very upset, turned it on me and accused me of snooping and denied it. He added he didn't think there was anything wrong with him dating anyways because we were not married anymore, we were now separated. He also said he wants to be happy and does not want to look back in 10 years and realize he has been miserable or wasted his life. (MIL?)

In the meantime, I have been working with a coach, reading a lot, and more recently started seeing an anger management / marriage therapis. Although I have had A LOT of setbacks, I have also made progress.

Our relationship also initially improve. Up until June, we argued less often often and reconciled right away instead of holding a grudge for days. I had stayed away from talking about his new lifestyle, his affair & dating, spending, detachment from our daughters or our R. I concentrated on being a good friend, being supportive and improving our interactions. He had noticed some my changes and commented on them. He has moved from not wanting anything to do with me, to sometimes showing genuine care for me.

Twice in April and once in May, he made some advances, we got intimate and he ended up spending the night. We also went to the movies alone a couple of times and out for dinner or frozen yogurt with the kids about once a week. He even acknowledged being depressed and not knowing what he wanted.

Yet his behavior was erratic - other times he is mean, rude and detached, and is always texting OW or other friends.

June 2011 - Finally confronted him about PA with OW - he had become very obvious and disrespectful - texting with her all time time in front of me.
He denied at first - protecting OW who was still living with her H at the time.
He was very angry and said our marriage should have ended many years ago - he should have never had children with me and that he had been in an abusive relationship with me for 13 years. I destroyed our relationship and any pain I may have been suffering in these last 6 months doesn't even compare to the pain he has felt for 13 yrs.

A week later, OW separated from her H. Don't know if she has filed for D yet.

Early July - H says he is confused, but has decided not to make any drastic decisions about his life now. He added that he cares a lot about me and doesn't like to see me hurt, and that he is sad because he realizes he has no power to fix that. He finished by saying he desperately wants us to get along.

July 25th - Our son is born. H is with me during labor, but was mostly detached or asleep. He was only supportive when the baby was actually born, but it felt more like a friend being there instead of my husband.

August 6, 2011 - H tells me he has chosen to pursue his relationship with OW openly. She is filing for D and they are slowly telling people they are together. All her family knows about him now and he will start introducing her to family. Some close friends already know about her.

He says he is very much in love with her - their R is amazing and their communication is at another level. She is a very sweet person and she is worried I will hate her.
I initially respond calmly that if he needs to pursue that R, he should and find out if grass is greener on other side.

August - Now - Rocky R with H. Issues with OW trigger me. H is still detached from kids and not reliable when it comes to helping or visiting (when he is with OW, he is MIA)

A lots of ups and downs - lots of setbacks, but always get back on my feet and continue trying DB and 180s. Trying to control OW triggers. Their R seems VERY serious, not just about sex or fantasy. He treats her like a formal girlfriend and his language makes me think he has really moved on and not in a fog.
Here are some examples of the things he tells me:
"I want you to be happy and find someone who will love you as much as you deserve. You are a great woman."
"I am trying to learn from the mistakes I made in our marriage so I don't repeat them in my new R with OW."
"I care about what you think of me. OW is a very sweet woman and I don't want you or others to judge her."
"I am very happy and feel loved and appreciated."
"OW and I know that the price to pay for this R is very high and that we are not living in reality right now, so we now want to bring our R to the real world."

H told me directly that he is waiting to sell our townhome and for me to get back to work to get the D going - he wants mediation.

Our daughters are really struggling and H just told me he is willing to consider counseling to learn how to co-parent and deal with their struggles.

So far, no indication that OW will move here or H up there anytime soon (she has D10 and D7 in school up North)

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Saturday

I took the kids to the gabba gabba show. I promised myself that we would have a blast and we did! I won't deny it was hard as well - this was our family show, H and I used to sing and dance with our girls. He really missed out - the girls first show in their lives and they were so cute.

H took OW to a football game instead. Our college team's rivalry game... That was another of our things. The biggest game of the season - we would talk about it for days beforehand and we attended almost every year - for the last 19 years. Ouch...

I am trying to get mentally prepared to more of these- everything we used to do together, he is now starting to do with OW. And more.

Things he never did with me - writing and sharing literature and poetry, doing adventurous and romantic trips, going to new places we always talked about going together...

Anyways, after the show on Saturday I went to my cousin's house. She and her kids are the only blood relatives I have in this city besides my aging parents. We had a good time and we spent the night. It's nice to be with family and feel supported and loved.

Overall, a good day. But still hard to get H out of my mind. I miss him so much and everything reminds me of him. 19 years together - it's hard not to turn around and find something that reminds me of our marriage. I can't help but think that it could have not all been that bad. H says it was all terrible. It's sad we have such different memories of it.

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Journaling

On Sunday we stayed all day at my cousin's. The girls had a blast and the baby is an angel...

In the afternoon I got a text from H - he wanted to stop by and see the kids if possible and drop off some of their clothes that were left behind at his place. (OW had left to go back N - her kids were probably coming back from spending Thanksgiving with her H).

I texted H back that we were not home, but he was welcome to stop by in the evening. He said he would try - if not, he would drop off clothes before I got home. I wanted to appear casual and not needy, so I told him he didn't have to drop them off, I didn't really need those clothes urgently. He was a no show.

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Journaling


Monday
Took girls to pre-school and spent the morning hanging some panels to cover my washer and dryer closet. I hate clutter and have been meaning to do this for a long time. I started on Saturday, but ran into a couple of glitches - put the wrong screw, etc. I finally finished and it looked nice. Not perfect, but nice. It was nice to do yet another house project on my own w/o H.

Took kids to swim lesson in the afternoon with my dad. He was so impressed by their progress and the girls loved the encouragement and support. I am lucky my dad is still healthy enough to share and enjoy these moments with me and be part of my kids' lives.

MIL called while we were there - she wanted to come see me and the girls. She said they missed me at Thanksgiving dinner and she had something for me.
I love her - she is like a second mother to me and I know she is hurting badly with all of this.
(SIL told me over the weekend that H "bullied his mom." She had wanted to invite me over - she doesn't know about OW, and had a huge fight about it with my H. In the end, she did not invite me. I don't know how far the conversation went, but SIL said that MIL did not mention OW, so I assume H didn't come clean about that.)

Then H texted saying he wanted to stop by, so I told him MIL was coming too.

MIL brought me this beautiful Nativity set that was very dear to her. I was so touched and thankful. We hugged and got emotional. H didn't seem happy about this. He used to love the fact that I was so close to his family. Now, I am just not so sure.

I was nice with H. We ended having a family dinner. If you didn't know anything, you would have thought that everything was back to normal. H was pleasant, but serious. Now I really notice how serious he is when we are together. He has been like that for so long, that I just probably got used to it and thought it normal. Now I see it's not. I have seen photos of him looking really happy - it pains me to see that I was not able to make him that happy for years...I wish I had a second chance to make him as happy as OW makes him now.

Overall a good evening. I was pleasant, upbeat and focused on MIL kids and was nice to H. I told them about the gabba gabba show and how fun it was. It didnt' look like H was bummed he missed it. Oh well.

I could tell he missed the kids - three days w/o seeing them. But when he is with OW, he is completely MIA - his choice... Sad.

When MIL left, she invited me to bring kids up to her place next week. It should be very nice.
Then when H said goodbye, he asked about my specific plans were for the weekend of 12/18. He never asks this far in advance, unless he has plans with OW - I guess I know now when she is coming to town next...

He also apologized for not responding to my text from Friday night where I asked about the baby's feeding schedule and where he left the formula and pacifier. I had texted him literally 10 minutes after he dropped them off that night and he never replied. Anyways, he said he didn't get the text until hrs. later and he thought by then I would have figured things out, so he didn't respond. He said he should have though, and he apologized.

I acknowledged his apology and said I was glad it wasn't an emergency. I probably should have not said it... He got defensive and asked what I meant. I said that if I have an emergency I hope I'll be able to reach him (anytime he is with OW he completely ignores my calls or texts - for hours, days or sometimes just never acknowledges them.

I personally think that is rude - regardless of who the person is. I would not do that even to an acquaintance and that is why I felt compelled to say something. But I realize now it was not good DBing. It came out like a complaint.

Apart from that, a good day and interaction.

[25yearsmlc]

I posted elsewhere but to answer your question about the mc we had

and he was not the first one. But yes I'd say he was the best.

Rick Blackmon, PhD. He may be a minister as well, b/c we met him through some religious people who said they
wanted a "Christian c" and that scared me a bit b/c I assumed I'd get the "Obey your h" speech.

Sure didn't. Rick was a Godsend and I think he genuinely wants to like both parties. He seemed to connect with my h and that helped enormously. I left them alone and h would always come out happy and kinder to me.

I like that. RIck is also big on not staying in a m b/c you are terrified of being alone. He empowers us to choose and that is liberating.

[keep_going]

25 -


THANK U SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!!!1

[keep_going]

Yesterday I had a great day.
Took girls to pre-school. Hung out with baby in the morning. Went over paperwork / bills and re-organized my desk. Cleaned the house.
H texted that he wanted to go get the Xmas tree with us. On Monday I mentioned to him that we would be getting one on Tuesday and said he was welcome to come with us.

I was really hoping he would come with us. When we got our tree last year, we had a horrible fight - in front of the kids. It was a miserable experience and H told me IMILWY the day after...
So I wanted him to join us and do a complete 180 and have the best time picking the tree. I wanted to erase that horrible and painful experience from both our memories...

So we went and we all had a GREAT time. I was so happy just to be all together and it showed. The girls were sooo excited - we ran, played hide and seek in the tree lot. I also was careful not to pursue H.

When we arrived to the lot, he got really serious and really kept his distance. I gave him his space. He then had moments interacting with us - he saw we were just having fun in a non-threatening way. He gave his opinion about trees, and I bought the one he liked. (During our M, we usually went with my opinion and what I wanted, so I wanted to show him respect and that his opinion counts).

The attendant at the lot congratulated us on having such a beautiful baby and family, and even took a picture of us for their website. I think H probably felt uncomfortable with this.

After the tree, H suggested we got food. The girls started to show signs of tiredness and possibly throwing a tantrum. We both handled it well and de-escalated the situation. Then H suggested running to the store to get whipped cream for the pumpkin pie MIL had left the day before.

We came home and he helped unload and position the tree. The girls were so excited. D4 asked H where his tree was. He answered "this is our tree." Go figure.

We all had pumkin pie, did bedtime routine and put kids to bed. We again sang to them together. Thruout the night, we had pleasant conversation exchanges - mostly about his job, if he will get a new car, our impending short-sale and sporting news. It was all very non-threatening. We were both friendly.

He also got a couple of text messages and he got anxious and nervous about reading them, but he didn't do it in front of me. At least he had the decency of leaving the room.

When he left, he thanked me and said he had an awesome day. I thanked him too.

The best part - not only did we not have ANY disagreements, but I didn't feel angry when OW texted him. I was ready for it and mentally prepared to have a perfect DB night and we did it. I am happy with myself.

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I was reading in imthemom's thread about crazy things our spouses have said or done... Check this one out.

I am going to my home country for two weeks for Xmas and New Years. H and I have done this every other year since we met, and he was ok with me doing so this year as well. He was very bummed that he would be apart from the kids that long and said so to me. As a courtesy, I told him he was welcome to join us for the holidays, thinking there was no way he would be remotely interested. He said thank you, but he had to work.

SInce this initial conversation a month ago, he has brought up three times maybe joining us for a few days for Xmas. WTH... Why would he want to be in my country, with me and my family, completely far away from everything that is his new life now...

I think he has absolutely no awareness that my parents would probably not like him to join us. Don't get me wrong - they adore my H as a son, but are so deeply hurt now, that they avoid coming to my house for fear of running into him. They get so nervous and awkward in front of him - they simply don't know how to act, because H just acts as if nothing when he sees them.

It would be so uncomfortable for all of my family... Trying to be polite (and they would be), while inside they are so hurt and angry. Plus they would all be so confused as to why he would fly 4 hrs and stay with us for the holidays in the first place.

Last night H brought it up again. He said he was looking online for a tix, but that they were so crazy expensive. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I have no idea if that means he will still try to find one or has given up.

Part of me would like him to come - obviously. I also think that maybe OW would not appreciate that either (I wouldn't if I was her).

Yet I mostly don't want him to come. It's a loaded gun and I don't want him to spoil the holidays for me and the kids if we fight or if he is rude, mean or detached. I know if he came, he would be missing OW so much and texting her constantly.

Plus I was looking forward to being with my family and letting them pamper me and the kids and just try to forget my sitch for a couple of weeks. Plus I also want H to miss us.

This man has lost his mind...

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=keep_going]25 -


THANK U SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!!!1 [/quote

let me know if things work out with that mc...I'll cross my fingers!