separation agreement signed

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi all

Critical things seem to be happening in record speed. I posted my story in newcomers and MLC, got slammed, stepped back, calmed down and now here I am again.

H and I signed our separation agreement last week. It was uncomplicated because there are no kids and the only assets in both our names were a vehicle, a boat and the house. Marital debt was carried equally but independently. He keeps the vehicle, I keep the house and we sell the boat and split the debt. He's been out of the house for almost three months and in his own apartment about two weeks. I spoke briefly with the friend he's been staying with (who accidently called the house when trying to reach H), and he too was shocked by all of this. I am 100% certain this is MLC and now believe it began around the time we moved into our previous house, got married, and dealt with the illness and death of his father. This all happened within about a one year period, around three years ago. I believe now that our move 1.5 years ago (because he was frustrated that the front entrance of the hosue was to small) was a symptom of his increasing MLC agitation.

I have been validating, supportive, as positive as I can be, and GALing. I also know my role in the breakdown and where change is needed (as I see them) and am making those positive changes. We seldom see each other and communicate well via email once or twice a week, with him initiating 80% of the time. Most recently he emailed to tell me the doctor said his headaches aren't a sign of stroke but that he might have skin cancer but probably not. Perhaps i shouldn't read too much into him informing me of such personal things, although I did validate, support and wish him well.

H had been pushing for the separation agreement to be finalized, but left literally all the work to me. I had wanted him to do the work because this was his choice, but he didn't take action and instead was increasingly stressed and agitated about it all. I gave him what he wanted (the separation agreement) because I love him, but now that it's real it freaks me out.

The mortgage holder has issued a letter authorizing a lawyer to register the house title in my name, but it all seems so final. The boat is up for sale, and although he will make the payments for now, because I was a cosigner we will have to split the 10K debt left over. He has said there is absolutely no way he can carry the boat. I did put in the separation agreement that if he chooses to take full financial responsibility for the boat I would not seek compensation. If he weren't so adament about abandoning our marriage I would even help financially through the separation...that's how significant this is. But he must express this and convince me it's sincere before I make such an offer to him.

How do I navigate carrying out the separation agreement? Do I just go ahead with the house transfer and boat sale and keep on keeping on? The financial and life impact on him is major...I'm not sure he'll ever get on his feet now. I feel like I should somehow give him a ripcord, but in the spirit of DBing don't know how. Perhaps the ripcord is in Canadian law, which says that a three montn reconciliation prior to divorce nullifies any separation agreement, and that no matter whose name is on title, equity in the matrimonial home is shared by both parties. The boat is another story....that's the loss of his freedom to do his absolute most favourite thing in the world (fishing), and a nasty pile of debt that he can't afford.

Advice, insight and support from anybody who's been at what feels like the brink is welcome and encouraged.

[Cadet]

H had been pushing for the separation agreement to be finalized, but left literally all the work to me. I had wanted him to do the work because this was his choice, but he didn't take action and instead was increasingly stressed and agitated about it all. I gave him what he wanted (the separation agreement) because I love him, but now that it's real it freaks me out.

First of all try to stick to one thread until 100 posts since it is easier to go back and see what has already been told to you.

Link to your first MLC thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...161#Post2197161

Why are you doing his work in the divorce?
Giving him what he wants is not going to snap him out of this. It is just going to get you divorced.
If that is not what you want then I suggest you do a 180.

You must LET HIM GO, but that does not mean push him out the door.

Sometimes being STILL is a much better idea.

Most MLC'ers have trouble completing tasks, so the fact that he wants you to do it for him is part of the script. It makes you the guilty party instead of him.

You do need to protect yourself and I am not saying not to do that. But I am wondering if there is not a way to shove the ball back into his court and make him do the work.

Sorry you got slammed, but did you learn anything from that?

FTR divorce does not stop his MLC, and sometimes it is part of the process.

Have you read the resources that were on your last thread?

Did you have any questions?

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, Cadet. I should have stuck to one thread...sorry, wasn't thinking.

I tried to be still, but he'd call me up sounding like he'd been bawling for hours, wanting to get the separation drafted, yet he'd never take any action. He was having headaches that went on for days, so his doc sent him to a stroke clinic. I guess I felt that he'd continue in this horrible pain until the agreement was drafted, and because I hated seeing him that way and he wasn't taking action I figured I had to.

I did learn things from the slamming and am much more calm and less analytical now. I'm just accepting things for what they are rather than asking "why?". And I did read the resources. Very informative and helpful. My friends and colleagues are astounded at how well I'm doing. I'm living and breathing DB as best as I can or know how. There's no anger, no bitterness directed at him even though this isn't what I want. I know divorce won't stop his MLC.

I too am wondering if there's a way to put the ball back in his court, which is the reason for this post. Will the following achieve this?

I absolutely will not file for divorce, and in Canada there must be a 1 year separation before a divorce can be granted so there's still nine months ahead of us.

I will not help him to navigate the process of getting my name of the vehicle registration.

I will not assist in selling or maintaining the boat.

I will not help him move the rest of his things out of the house.

These are things I will not do, but what specifically should I do at this point?

The house title transfer has to be completed (or not) by me. Do I go forward immediately, tell him that it's ready to go, wait and say nothing, something else?

I've read the "what to do during spouse's MLC" post, so I'm not looking for generalities, unless of course the answer is simply to keep doing (and not doing) the things listed.

thanks in advance

[greatwhitenorth]

Had an email from H this afternoon. "Hi, did you get a chance to sign the separation agreement? Hopefully you're having a great day."

These emails frustrate me because they feel like he's slapping me with one hand and stroking me with the other. Surely he knows my days aren't great - he left me alone in a big house in the country with a basement that had to be insulated just as winter is coming on, but moving on...

How do I respond?

Do I simply say, "My day is going well, thanks for asking, and yes the separation agreement is signed"?

Or do I also take the opportunity to remind once more him that there are tasks he needs to complete (changing his contact info at the marina, sorting out the telephone/cable service)?

Do I tell him that the title transfer with the bank is complete and once I receive the letter I will be seeing a lawyer to finalize the process?

Do I ask him if his headaches are gone, if he's happy now that he's settled into his apartment?

Do I remind him that this is what he and he alone wants?

I came home to a hand writen letter of support from a very gentle aunt of mine and it put me in my sad place yet again.

Advice and guidance desperately wanted.

Thanks in advance

[Cadet]

Personally I would not respond.

Or if I did respond it would be a one word answer.

YES - NO

Does it require an answer?

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks again, Cadet.

He probably should have a copy of the signed agreement, since it is a legal document. So I think it requires an answer, but maybe that answer can wait until tomorrow....

So seriously a one word answer? Will that not come across as hostile?

[BeingMe]

Hi GWN! Not sure if I've responded to any of your posts. I wouldn't reply to his email at all, if I were you. He will receive the signed copy which you went through all the trouble to organize (the SA, I mean). MLCers like to do that hard/soft thing. It helps them feel less guilt if they're being nice-ish to their LBSers. See it for what it is, then ignore it ... don't respond. Now is the time, IMHO, to go as dark as possible. It will help you to detach. Don't even take his calls or answer texts/emails. He wanted to be separated ... now, he can see what that feels like. This will also be a chance for you to GAL. Hang out with friends (you be the fun one that gets the friends in the separation) as much as possible. Let them tell him what you're doing. I think this is called the Last Resort Technique (LRT).

Take care.

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, BeingMe. I'm the only one who has the signed agreement, so I'll have to get it to him. I do have it electronically, so maybe I'll just email him that (only the attachment, no text) and then pull the blinds.

[AJM]

I don't think I chimed in very much.
For what it's worth, I don't see why, if this isn't what you wanted, you should do the work of the divorce. I don't see that helping anyone. He chose it. He chooses whether or not it's painful. Those are not your choices and by doing the work for him, you short circuit his process.
If you are doing it for you that's different. But if you are doing it so you don't see him suffer, then I think you should re-evaluate your actions.

My $0.04

[job]

GWN,
MLCers become great manipulators and know just what buttons to push to get you to respond. If he wants the divorce, then he will need to do the necessary work to get it. Take care of the home issue, as for the rest, step back and allow him to do the work.

I had to chuckle when I read about his headaches and health issues. The headaches are from the stress and guilt that he's put upon himself. Also, he's using it as a card for sympathy and is hoping that you will feel sorry for him....don't.

Your h is doing all of the typical things that mlcers do...I would take care of "me" and allow him to figure out what he needs to do in order to take care of himself. Don't be in too big of a rush to rescue him. He's a big boy and trust me, he can take care of himself. I would make sure that his name is off of everything that you have in your possession and go from there.

Don't be too hasty in responding to his emails or phone calls. He needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and that you have a life to live.