I realize I'm still pretty new to the forums but I seem to be noticing something on the forum I feel compelled to bring up. While there has been pretty good response here to my own situation, IMHO, there seems to be an undercurrent of cyncism in much of the feebback given to many.
What may be intended as straight talk comes accross somewhat fatalistic. What attracted me here, to the DB web site, to MWD's writings, was the overwhelming sense of optimism. When you are hurting, you don't want to be told there's a good chance the marriage is not going to work out. Even when not said directly, or not intended with what is said, this is what comes accross when trying to be "realistic" on someone elses behalf. We all know the chances just by virtue of having come to this place in our lives. Being reminded of it in an effort reinforce tactics can be defeating to the reader.
Be over the top with optimism, even if it didn't, or hasn't yet worked for you. Remember this is Divorce-BUSTING.
Gar it is good that you are optimistic. I think people here are careful when giving advice. I think most in here give us a sense of hope in our sitch. I was a mess when I came but getting stronger. Everyday with the help of others in here. Sometimes we will be confronted when needed. That may seem harsh when you are hurting. But challenging someone is a way to effect change in them. We are here to change right?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I appreciate what you're saying, but personally I don't agree. We're all grown-ups and can disregard things we don't like in the responses to our posts, even if we'd be better off not disregarding them.
But if all we got here was sunshine and cheer, I personally would not be getting much out of it. I have friends who provide that.
I came here to find out a more realistic picture of the sitch I found myself in, what works, what doesn't, and what I can expect. Advice, encouragement, community. But don't paint the world pink for me, I'll stop believing what you tell me. I want the harsh truth because that is what I need to deal with. And if you're overly harsh or cynical because you've been through the wringer too, I can take it.
I commented recently in what could be construed as a cynical way, and I thought twice about doing it, but I sincerely believed my advice could prevent someone else the heartache I'm experiencing and the pain that is coming for my children.
Give me the truth as you see it based on your experience, and don't worry too much about my feelings, that's how I feel.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think we each need different things as we make our way through this. I tend to agree with adinva on this one, I need honesty whether good or bad. I don't want anything tied up in a pretty bow, its not going to help me.
Please don't misread my intent. I'm surely not suggesting that it all has to be sunshine and cheer. I also am not suggesting that anyone be untruthful. I appreciate the straight talk and I too want honesty both good and bad.
However, tone is everything. And as I'll bet we've all experienced either at work, or with friends or family, an email or other written message can so easily be misconstrued. I am agreeing with you that I too want the truth. Truth and opinion are not the same. But, I want opinions also.
I'm only suggesting that we be careful how we present things. When you want to present bad news, imagine the person is sitting there in front you, maybe in tears as he/she is going through the worst time in their life. Maybe it's their very first post. Is there more than one way to say what you want to say? It's not much different than what we're all working on in someway or other with the relationship that brought us here.
Delivering an important message (truth or opinion) will be taken much more to heart if presented the proper way.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Part of the problem though is denial. Spouses often come here with blinders on and refuse to see what's happening under their noses. If you're not blunt enough precious time that could have been used to save the relationship is lost. I don't know how many times I've read the same story over and over again about the spouse who has become "distant" and has asked for "space", when in reality they've already made the steps to leaving the relationship and are heavily involved in a EA. I don't think that should be baby-stepped.
My view on this is that we all need to hear the truth in whatever form it may take. When I first started posting on this forum, one of the veterans confronted some BS I was spouting off about and really challenged my thinking.
My initial reaction was one of offense and insult. However, I soon learned after reading other posts on this forum that this was not intended to inflict harm but to get me to think and own up to the reality of my situation and start working on me and my M.
I truly believe that however long it takes us to find this forum and the DB method for saving our M's, the sooner we start to take decisive action the better. Some of us are fortune to find this forum almost immediately after the "bomb" while others arrive here months after the "bomb" when time is of the essence.
If we pussyfoot around, precious time is wasted, crucial mistakes are made and more damage is done that has the potential to solidify an already bad situation.
So for me, I licked my wounds, sucked it up and continued to post and things have gotten remarkably better. I get good advice and a variety of opinions that give me things and options to consider. All in all, I like what I'm hearing.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
