I picked this name because my prior thread was 'Game Point' which was active when W was either going to move out and we would likely D, or the small chance that she would miraculously 'wake up' and decide to try to save the M. My original thread was called 'WAW and 4 kids'.
She moved out, and I filed for D last July. I was just reviewing my old threads - amazing the journey I underwent but I am in a better place now for sure.
However D is not final yet!
We were trying to negotiate on our own, but I realized it was never going to work that way because we disagreed on some major issues, so I retained a L a little over a year ago. She did the same in return.
When looking back, I am realizing it has taken a LONG time because we were being patient and trying to negotiate a final settlement without having to go to court. We would continually delay scheduled hearings thinking that the other side was willing to settle.
However, looking back, the patter has been for her to ask for a little more each time. We have been able to close out many issues but support and date of separation still remain as open issues.
I finally decided we need to just play hard ball now and move to trial to get a final decision.
Its AMAZING how long this can take when you don't agree. The biggest sticking point is that she works part time, and we were originally getting agreement from them to base support on an amount higher than he actual income since the court would expect her to work more. Now they are backing off of that, and the reality is the amount of assumed income has been reduced by them by a little bit several times.
Therefore, I realized that this would continue indefinitely unless we pushed this to court and got a court order for her to look for more work, etc.
The date of separation issue is related to a large amount of stock I received that is worth several hundred thousand dollars, and I received it after she had clearly left the marriage although hadn't moved out. for this, we are going to make her justify why she would have considered the marriage to still be in tact when I received the stock - we will be bringing up her affair she had had for 18 months prior and all of her other actions that clearly demonstrated that the marriage was over in front of hte judge (if it gets that far - she may capitulate rather than air this out).
However, I feel fortunate that I have so far ONLY spent 15,000 on this whole process, but I expect to pay anothe 10,000 if we go all the way to court over these 2 issues.
Otherwise, I am so glad this is almost behind me. I met a wonderful woman and we are very happy and planning to get married in about a year. My life is really in a better place now - something I would never thought I would say knowing I was headed for a D!! It was the LAST thing in the world I wanted and as a result I put up with a LOT for about 18 months prior to filing finally.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I am not struggling to deal with her regarding older kids' expenses. I have a 20 year old and an 18 year old. Both will be moving away to college and we will need another car for one of them. Given that they aren't minors, court has no juristiction over ensuring parents equally contribute.
We are not in a place where we can agree on who should pay for what - I just expect her to pay half.
PErplexing problem I am sure a lot of other Divorced couples have had to deal with.
It makes it SOOOO much easier if you can work together.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Can she afford to pay half? It sounds like you are the one with the money.
My daughters are 12 and 9. My XW never has, still does not and I'm afraid never will learn how to save money.
So I'm doing everything I can to be able to start putting money away again for their college expenses. Neither XW nor her sisters went to college. I just can't expect her to save or pay half. I have to be ready if she can't pay anything.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I am not struggling to deal with her regarding older kids' expenses. I have a 20 year old and an 18 year old. Both will be moving away to college and we will need another car for one of them. Given that they aren't minors, court has no juristiction over ensuring parents equally contribute.
We are not in a place where we can agree on who should pay for what - I just expect her to pay half.
When I was in the divorce process I wanted a written agreement that we would split the expenses for the adult children. I was willing to agree to a 50/50 split even though he makes over 2X what I make. He refused. He said he didn't know what his financial situation wold be so he couldn't agree to that. (Even though I realize now that he knew he would be getting remarried and be in a 2 income family where both partners make more than twice what I make.) I didn't know my future situation either, but I was willing to commit. Five years later and he paid nothing for our kids college educations. they got scholarships, grants, and took loans, and I helped with what I could. (Of course he and his wife are paying for HER daughters entire college education with no finanial aid.) I have paid their car insurance and their cell phones. Every now and then he makes a grand gesture and buys things like new tires or recently a laptop, but his expenses for them have not neared the total I have spent. But I couldn't live with myself if I was doing to my kids what he has done. I couldn't justify the selfishness.
It would be nice if we could get what we expect.....a fair division of expenses.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Its been 2 years since I last posted. I thought about the site today because I was cleaning out a closet and came accross about 30 marriage and self-help books I had bought when going through my separation and divorce, and remembered how much help I got from this site.
My D was final about 2.5+ years ago in early 2012. Looking back I got a pretty reasonable settlement worked out. W and I both retained lawyers and I ended up spending about $20K on my L by the end of it.
I got remarried in 2012, and my new W and I are very happy. My older 2 kids are away - one is out of college and the other is a 3rd year. I have 2 at home half time in high school.
It turns out I have paid much much more of my older kids' expenses that the ex-W. I had the money and did what I could for them even though she contributed very little. It turns out that my ex-in-laws also helped them a lot as well.
I also have provided all the cars for the 4 kids and paid the car expenses. My oldest just started working after finishing school and bought his own car (!).
Luckily for me I have come into some money over the past 3 years which has made everything easier.
Ex-W is still single and hasn't been very happy since the D from what I can tell. She still spends time with her BF, but her early attempts to integrate him with my kids failed a few years back and so she only sees him in private.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
It's pretty amazing how life turns out, isn't it? Glad to hear you are coming out a winner! Good work on saving yourself. I hope you can continue to share here. You will be an inspiration to many
