Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

It's past time to start a new thread for me. Here's the last page of the old one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2189262&page=13

I titled this one groundlessness because that's a term used in my meditation practice. It is also the thing that I have the most difficulty practicing or embracing. The art of just letting go of everything, and not getting stuck when things get bad.

Today was better than yesterday.
So my XH said that he sacrificed me to save himself. I feel like my little boy sacrificed himself to save me. He had a lot of problems that were brewing in him a long time. He never showed any sign that he was suffering, though. Think of it. What if he’d have gone into serious problems right after XH left? What if I’d had to be giving him fluids for his kidneys and watching that tumor grow while I was deep in shock over XH’s leaving? What if I’d had to make the tough decision to end his life, or to try to find the money for chemo, when I was financially struggling? My little cat held on like a trooper despite being VERY sick, when I needed him to be my rock. He was very brave.

And as the past few months have gone on, I’ve become run down to the point of severe mental exhaustion over trying to do far too much in the aftermath of the end of my marriage. I was never going to let up. Not till it put me in the hospital. I looked at my journal and for 4 months now I’ve had increasingly severe problems with back pain and insomnia and adrenal exhaustion. I’ve not noticed the progression because it was so subtle. It was just a combination of the PTSD of the divorce and the added burden of overextending myself in a million directions to try to cope. I was running on nothing.

My little boy sacrificed himself for me in dying to shock my system into stopping and realizing how exhausted I’ve become. I feel like my XH’s betrayal saved my life on my good days, in that I never would be doing so many things that fulfill me or so happy in my inner core if he hadn’t shattered my whole world and if I hadn’t had to rebuilt. But I exchanged one obsession (XH) for another (work in some form). My little boy’s death saved my life because THAT was the thing I still needed to learn: BALANCE. I get it now. I really do.

Today, I got a handwritten card from the author I’m writing the book on. In it, he included the sentence, “How would you like to work?” This author has agreed to a dialogue with me about his writing, and, about my research on this subject and others. I will now be able to cultivate a relationship with a very famous and respected writer and this means so much to me because of how much his work impacted me. This card was on its way to me from England when my little guy was dying. I just marvel at the timing. And since I asked for and got a contract extension, now I can just breathe and take some time to work more slowly, while I start a conversation with the writer who has influenced me and enriched me more than any writer I’ve ever studied.


The night before my boy got sick, I begged, BEGGED God to do something to stop this endless cycle that I was stuck in of emotional and mental exhaustion, and this death was the result, but I was able to see XH one last time and to feel like he and I were fully connected for one last time. It was like he died a long time ago, and I got one last chance to see him again. I guess in the end, I am lucky, despite the pain.
My focus now is “groundlessness”, living with the uncertainty that I do not know what tomorrow will bring in terms of life and love, but just doing what I can to achieve an emotional and physical balance in my life.

[irishblessings]

Wow Antonia - very revealing and profound look at where you are. I envy your insight.

BTW - HUGE Congrats on the work! A wonderful door has opened for you!

[dl443322]

Antonia, I cried when I read your post of your sweet farewell to your loyal cat and of your exchange with your xh.

I truly believe that if things happen for a reason and if we listen real closely, we find out why.

I have no doubt that your beloved kitty held on for you. Animals are amazing and intuitive.

I know the story of a cat that lives in a nursing home. When someone is near death, the cat lovingly stays by the side of that person, often at the foot of the bed. He knows often before the nurses realize. The people who live there do not fear when he comes towards them. They feel at peace. They know that they will not be alone when there time comes. Amazing, isnt it?

Sweetie, you are an extraordinary woman. One with such love in her heart and such strength and insight and courage.

Please remember that whatever you did or didnt do during this crisis with your xh was never with the intention to hurt him. I know without a single doubt that you did your very best with the tools and knowledge you had at the time.

I do hope that when you have digested what you both said and feelings it must surely have brought up have been dealt with, that you really and truly forgive yourself.

Your xh really has suffered a tremendous loss when he decided to sacrifice you for him. he may not realize it fully now, but one day he well. No matter.

Antonia, balance is key in life. No one person or thing should take up too much space.

So, now you have learned some more. The very best way to honor your little boy is to heed what he's taught you.

We only get this one chance. Savor and enjoy as much of life as you can.

Congrats on being contacted by your subject. How exciting!

Safely tuck your lovely memories of your baby and your marriage in your hear and then live your life, A. Live it well.

[dl443322]

Sorry for the typos!

[AntoniaB]

Oh Brookie, that was a beautiful post, and I am so thankful for your insight and kindness. My mom is here now and I read this to her earlier tonight. And thank you too, IB. I read my mom a lot of posts. She is so struck by the people here and how supportive everyone is. This is a blessed place.

I am up again late, the sleeplessness is just terrible, but I think it's just the shock of everything and I hope that in a few days I'll be able to get back on a schedule.

I just went to look up a friend on FB and my XH's page popped up (same first initial) and I saw that he changed his profile picture on FB from the constant pics of him and OW to a pic of our little boy. I never expected that. It's strange to think he is allowing something from his "former life" to be put out there so publicly. This is a pic of the kitty on OUR bed, wrapped in our comforter (which I still use). Does OW see what I see?

One thing that XH was grieving most deeply when I saw him was that he had not seen our boy alive since he was last here in January. Well, I took videos of him during the past 10 months. In fact, I took videos of his mother, the first sick cat, within hours of his death, not knowing she would survive and he would die, and he is in them.

I am wondering if I should offer a copy of these videos to xh. Should I just put it in the mail? Should I ask first if he wants it? Or should I just let it go? I have asked myself my motivation of why am I thinking about doing this, and the only thing I can come up with is that I think it might help him with the grieving process and closure. But I don't know if my doing this is an act of grace or is it interference in a process that he has to face alone.

I won't make any snap decisions. This requires me to download the most recent video and watch it, and I don't know if I am ready to. But I would like your opinions on whether this is appropriate.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am wondering if I should offer a copy of these videos to xh. Should I just put it in the mail? Should I ask first if he wants it? Or should I just let it go?

Antonia, if I were standing in your shoes, I'd make the offer only. Let him decide which way to jump on it.

Just my 2cents.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks QoS.

Having slept on it, I woke up today thinking I should only offer it and not send it. Sending it means I decide for him...and he has to decide.

Not doing anything yet...just want things to settle down, but I'm leaning towards just offering, unless anyone else thinks offering by itself is a bad idea.

[beatrice]

Hi, what wonderful posts - I have been out of the loop for a couple of days - surgery, which went well. Last operation. Yay

Insomnia - yes, it it there for a long time, but it will end. I found when it was at its worst [[and I still get terrible nights occasionally - it has taught me to value the gift of sleep] that looking at a computer screen too late didn't help.

I would take a while to stablise emotinally before you offer video footage of your beloved cat to your xh.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too. Great news about the Author - a real coup. Perfect timing too, when you think about it.

[AJM]

I think you are finding some new ways to be...you Antonia. I applaud that.
I think you should offer it as well. With no expectations of so much as an acceptance or a thank you. Just offer it and let it go.

AJ

[AntoniaB]

Thanks AJ. I feel very different in the past few days. And that feeling is getting stronger.

I think the compassionate side of me has taken over the side that has felt jilted. Maybe that is because there are SO many people in my life helping me and I think he lacks this. Yes, this is what he "wrought". He distanced, isolated himself. He is grieving among a set of people who never knew our cat. But I am starting to see that in some ways, he is being punished for his actions...and I'm not going to keep punishing him. His karma or whatever will come. I'm not part of it anymore.

I have told the mutual friends/family who are much more squarely on "my" side of the divorce that it is ok with me if they express their condolences to him if they choose. I think that they are feeling conflicted and don't want to betray ME by contacting him. But I sent an email to all 6 of them, telling them the role he played in helping me with bringing the body here and having the funeral. I told them that this tragedy has made me accept the end of the marriage, and that I believe that all we have is the present moment. In the present moment, XH is destroyed over the death of his "son", and by his own choosing, he is in a world where no one knows the loss at all.

YES he chose that world. But it's not our job to keep punishing him for his choice. I am through with judgment and retribution. It's an endless cycle of negativity and does no good to bring anyone "back" or change their minds. Their minds are made up, and time on this earth is limited.

Things have to be said before it's too late. I feel like my boy has taught me that.

I don't know if anyone will contact him, and I'm not going to follow up or anything, but I feel that I have done my part by saying that I'm ok with it.