untethering

[aeolianchaos]

Do you think that the increased level of intimacy of marriage plays a role in why it happens?

I'm speaking about the intimacy of seeing someone beyond their self-presentation.. the trench warfare stuff.. the intimacy that we don't like.

I think your point toward people getting lazy in relationships is also a good one and I think that people do perhaps go too long in a comfort-phase. It makes sense to me that this could happen and perhaps there is some fantasy that once married there is a kind of monopoly that enables the spouse to be less responsive than they were during courtship.

[Finah]

Aeo’s WW growing and gaining independence….. perhaps years later but not currently. 
 
From Schnarch’s POV I think he would say she failed miserably, especially when she reached this gridlock.
 
 
What she should have done was gain that independence in the marriage and grow from that…….that would be progression
 
Her choices……regression……perhaps in her warped mind it’s progression….but even then she doesn’t believe it herself when you look at what she says.
 
 
 
There would be less A’s in M’s if people had better personal boundaries and they lived in reality.
 
It’s why A’s happen in good M’s and bad ones……..the conditions for an A are present in every M.
 
And those that think there aren’t are the same ones that should be looking.
 
 
 
All you have to do is read the thread that was started yesterday by a WH whose A ended years ago
 
Still blames his BW for HIS AFFAIR.
 
Of course now that she has moved on and gained her own independence…..now he wants to save his M.
 
Fact is…..he won’t save his M……b/c he still has the wayward mindset that his A isn’t his fault.
 
And that is one of the huge problems with society in general……..it’s never anyone’s fault…..it’s always well something led them to do this or that.
 
Aeo has more than owned his side of things.
 
 
And there will never be a chance at full recovery or full reconciliation unless his WW….owns the entire A.
 
 
I have been down that road….where the BS takes ownership of the WS A….it doesn’t work……

[Valeska19]

Just checking in on your Aeo. You have been in my thoughts.

[In_Shock]

Me too, Aeo. I always read your sitch. I get wisdom from your posts also quite often.

[wawinla]

Aeo:

Echoing the same sentiments...how are you doing?

[aeolianchaos]

Hi Friends,

Yes it's been a while. I truly appreciate that y'all would be checking in on me. I try to check in every now and then on people's sitx's, but sometimes reading them can be a bit much, emotionally.

I am doing pretty well all things considered - still looking for work but that feels like it is moving positively. I had a 3 hour interview session (that was only supposed to be 2 hours) a couple of weeks ago that I am still waiting to hear back on. The last I heard from the hiring manager was "You are definitely a candidate." So It is testing my patience a little not to catastrophize why they haven't gotten back to me yet. I liked everyone there and felt like I would have been a solid addition.

Met with a different company today and liked them a lot too. It wasn't a formal interview but I felt like I had substantial (30+ minutes) conversations with each person I spoke with and I could easily imagine myself thriving there as well. In many ways I think I would be more impactful there than the first place and perhaps it would allow me to more fully push my potential. Both seem like really positive opportunities though and I feel good about that. I certainly could use the money, too! There a lot of things I'd like to do that cost money and it would be nice to do them and know that I can totally afford it.

No recent contact w/ WAW other than a couple e-mails.

At this point, I don't think I am really DBing in the way that it is so often described on these forums. I think I've become a bit more genuinely fearless (still very compassionate, though.. thats a part of me) about what the future holds. There are prevention and promotion based goals and thinking and at this point I'm much more in a promotion mindset.

I'm less scared of failing to save my marriage and more interested in having better relationships with more integrity and authenticity. If I have that with my W, that would be great and I'm of course open to that. But at this point I've come to recognize a lot more feelings of ambivalence and doubt on my end - not to the extent where I feel like I need to give up and walk away, but where I see my standing for this marriage as being more of a position of strength than need.

It helps to have an awareness and confidence that I'm going to have a great relationship with myself as well as another person down the road. I feel like I've grown and evolved and matured more in the past year than I did in the past 16 years and I'm proud of myself for that. While my experience hasn't been as extreme as some others, it has still presented me with a lot of challenges and opportunities to grow and I like to believe I'm taking advantage of those.

Sometimes, I'd like to take a break from that and get into more of a 'groove' but there is a voice in my head saying "not yet.. theres still something you need to do before you slip into the comfort cycle for a bit".. it's like scraping ice cream out of the bottom of the container, but perhaps a little less comforting.

I usually check up this site on my phone, but I'm not logged in so I am watching all of you.. is that creepy?

[aeolianchaos]

Hi GM,

Last I spoke with the Hiring Manager, he said they would let me know either way by last friday or this monday.

I am not sure if maybe I misunderstood his timeline - it could be that I am off by a week, or that they had to reschedule one of the other interviewees (I was the first one).

This is where I tend to be a little unsure about whats good tradecraft. I don't want to be too pushy but then again I don't like being hung out to dry (actually.. I abhor being left hanging and think it is really a sad state of affairs that people do that).

[Rick1963]

Aeo I am a hiring manager and I really appreciate a letter or follow up call after the interview. It tells me that they are eager and interested. Just don't sound desperate or pushy. It shows a PMA. Good luck and hang in there

[aeolianchaos]

Hi Rick,

I appreciate your input as someone with perspective from the position of actually having to make a hiring decision.

I did follow up with all 5 people I met at the formal interview within 24 hours (I have had it drilled into me that this is good tradecraft). The H.M. and I had a phone conversation the next day and I let him know how I was impressed w/ everyone I met, excited about the company, and felt like the position would be a good fit.

He said I was definitely a candidate, but they wanted to interview a couple more people before making a decision. He said they would let me know either way by Fri or Mon. This was about 2 weeks ago, so it's been about a week since I would have hoped to hear something from them.

That is where we left it - I am hesitant to push it much further: They know I'm interested, without a doubt.

I did get to follow up with a few of the people I met the other day, sleuthing out their business e-mails, as well as the CEO who I met briefly (its a very small company). My basic strategy on these followups is to affirm that I enjoyed meeting them, demonstrate enthusiasm for something about their business, let them know something that I appreciated about our discussion or even provide some relevant info or ideas, and depending on the nature of the meeting possibly invite them to get back to me.

This seems to be my bigger focus at this point, beyond the (likely) imminent divorce - survival and thriving on my terms and doing my best to honor what is most real in me.

I'm sometimes a little bothered by how little I actually worry about WAW and what she is doing or thinking. I still care, and I think her coping mechanisms are going to lead her into a bad place down the road, but its so much out of my hands that I feel like putting energy into it is only useful if I'm thinking about how I want to move or act.

[westcoastfella]

I'm sometimes a little bothered by how little I actually worry about WAW and what she is doing or thinking. I still care, and I think her coping mechanisms are going to lead her into a bad place down the road, but its so much out of my hands that I feel like putting energy into it is only useful if I'm thinking about how I want to move or act.

I wouldn't be bothered about this. After all, there's no point in worrying about what can't be helped -- you're quite right in recognizing that her choices are out of your hands. I believe that this is what the detachment process is all about. You can hope that your W will stop making poor decisions for herself, but you also have to get to a point where you can extricate your emotions from this hope.

I think as we detach, we get to a point where we realize that it is our duty to truly look after ourselves, our needs, and our desires, rather than those of our WAS. It is a healthy place to be.