That did not take long. Picked W up at airport, who was returning for a week after moving 1500 miles away 9 weeks ago. Took 10 minutes for her to tell me she was going to go through with the D, and was going to stay out west in the mountains. She has clearly determined that the way out of her depression and for her to find happiness is to leave everything she has (career, home, friends, retirement, financial security) and to divorce me. There was never any moving away to heal. There was just moving away to start a new life.
She is all worried about sending me mixed messages. Leading me on as if there is a chance we might get back together some day. Guess I now see that reconciliation will never happen. We will see what happens down the road after reality hits her, but I think my only choice is to let it go.
I have asked here several times how you know when it is over. Guess now I know.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
AC, so sorry it's come to this, man. I hope you've been doing your best to make the other parts of your life outside of your M great.
It's only over when you say it's over, though. Although it sure looks like it now, this isn't necessarily the end. The best thing you can do is work on being the best AC you can be and make your life without your W the best you can possibly make it right now. Avoid falling into the pit of despair that your W is in.
AC, there you go... THAT... is letting go the rope...
Just understand that your choice is not about your W... you have processed a lot of stuff over this time and you are now making a choice. You SAY it is because your W has told you so... the unconscious reality is that you are now making this choice for your own reasons...
Moving forward in the face of fear...
And... no one can predict the future and what AC will create of it...
AC, Sorry to hear this latest. All I can say is that you never know, but, you must concentrate on yourself now, it is 50/50 whether she will change her mind in future. If you take each hour as it comes, soon they will turn into days. Continue to get out there and keep yourself busy, force yourself into meeting new people, it seems like it is the only way. I am on day 2 of long distance and trying like hell to be postive!! Just hang on buddy!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
W has been in town for four days, and will be for another three. Not really sure what the dynamic is...part of the time she wants to be close, part of the time wants to be distant. Says she is having a hard time being back here, as she feels she is saying goodbye to everyone for one last time.
We will be getting a D. Says she needs to make a clean break so she can heal. Needs to put this emotional turmoil behind her. I have agreed to the D (legal separation so she can keep health insurance) Very little choice on my side.
She is on leave from an excellent job here. I have suggested that she think long and hard before she resigns her position, but there is very little doubt that she will.
She is putting on a game face here, but it is clear from talking to her that all is not well. She is spending a huge amount of time solo. Has not even started looking for a job. Is living very frugally. Does not go out. Barely cooks for herself. Although she says she is going to be OK and is moving on, it is pretty clear that depression is still ruling her life. She says she has no idea what the future holds. No kidding.
She is spending today going through our old slides. Says she might not be able to talk to me for a while, but can see us taking a trip together down the road ( we have traveled extensively). Says she loves me, likes me, likes being with me. But on to D we go.
I think the D, new financial arrangements and the immediate need for a job are going to hit her hard. I need to give her the D and stand back and see what happens.
This is no fun at all.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
So it is bizarre to think that getting a D will end one chapter in our R and let another begin? Something about this just does not feel final, but feels more like a stepping stone, or a box that needs to be checked.
Maybe I am just hallucinating.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Makes no sense, does it? But then we have to remember we are not dealing with logic. In your W's mind it makes perfect sense - the old must be destroyed before the new can even be contemplated.
All you can do at this point is just what you have said: finalize the D and then wait and see what happens. But don't put your life on hold waiting.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
the old must be destroyed before the new can even be contemplated
This is EXACTLY the case....it is clear that part of her does not want a D, but the D is on her 'to-do' list on her self-determined path to happiness...
I will NEVER understand this.....
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
AC, Good morning, Wow, I can't imagine going through slides that have me and my wife on them, like you, we have traveled extensively, if I looked at slides now, I would be feeling really bad. I wonder how she does it.
Sounds like she wants that d, like everyone here says, to get closure on the old r. You have to go with your gut on this one, your sitch sounds so much like mine, w (last I talke to her, is dead set on d, sometimes it seems like because thats what she said she was going to do, and there can be no deviating.
How are you keeping yourself busy these day? It must be very difficult having the s back for only a few days. How are you coping with it?
Again, really sorry you and I and everyone else here is going through this. Life will get better, we just have to hold on.
Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
