Youngster Questions Reality, WAW Moves On...

[aeolianchaos]

Hey WCF,

It's good to see that you are doing well. I can relate to your experience of forming better bonds with your siblings after this kind of sitch. I know that I have a much more meaningful relationship with both my sister and brother after going through all of this. In some ways, that silver lining is substantial because it does show you that your R w/ them is based on something more than just genetics.

Good luck w/ NaNoWriMo. I seriously considered it this year but I'm not really a writer and have no idea what I would have written about. I'm sure the experience of successfully meeting that challenge is going to be quite satisfying for you.

I think that these thoughts you are talking about are pretty normal things to experience. Maybe if you can get beneath the narrative of the thought and feel what kind of emotion and physical sensation you are experiencing, you might find that the thoughts shift.

I think that we all go through our own kind of grieving process in a situation like this.. grieving our M's, grieving our mistakes, grieving whatever idealism we projected onto our spouses, etc. And grief has a bit of a cyclical quality to it sometimes, which can confound us when we feel like we are 'through it' only to discover another layer.

It sounds like you are doing really well and getting some perspective.

[westcoastfella]

Thanks for the thoughts and kind words, Aeo. (I've heard other people call you that and thought that it sounded friendlier to the ear than "Chaos.") I have often told myself that such thoughts and feelings are normal to the process, and that it will take time. I have often heard that the experts claim that it takes about two years to get over infidelity. At this rate, I wouldn't dispute that claim. However, I will get there one step at a time.

One thing that is compounding this is that this is my first and only R. People have been telling me that their first serious R's were very intense and hurt terribly when they imploded. Perhaps if I had been more experienced at R's, I might have taken this all easier than I did. I'm learning much about love and heartache, and I'm all the stronger for it.

I like your suggestion about allowing myself to feel things. As I've said before, I'm a typical overthinker. I am told that people often overthink in order to negate experiencing emotions. I would like to leave that old habit by the wayside. Feelings do hurt, but I'm tired of analyzing them to death instead of feeling them, then letting them pass.

I am definitely in the anger stage more now, I think. I often have thoughts about the "injustice" of everything and sometimes feel as though I wish that my W could feel every bit of my pain. However, I'm aware enough to know that such thoughts are a waste of energy and emotion, so I don't indulge them. I almost think that my W is privately suffering somewhere deep down inside, but I guess only God knows the answer to that one.

I also often struggle these days with nurturing my independent sense of self-esteem. I catch myself thinking about doing things just to impress my W, like pursuing more school or finding a more lucrative career. However, I know enough from this website that the best changes a DB-er can make are those that they make for themselves, not their WAS. I am appreciating very much the process of discovering who I am outside of my M.

I am tired of constantly feeling like reaching for my W's approval. Or anybody's, really. I want people to love me just as I am. I keep feeling that more and more as I go down this road.

As for GAL: I went out to the library tonight and checked out a bunch of quality CDs, then headed over to Barnes and Noble to get some decaf coffee and stroll around. I was getting stir-crazy being in my apartment all day and wanted to be around people.

I have also been watching the first season of "Flight of the Conchords." Comedies are definitely my best friend these days, and "FOTC" is absolute wonderful. Very funny stuff.

[westcoastfella]

Today, I had a bit of an epiphany. (As I often do.) I caught myself getting sucked into bouts of what people on the forums like to call "stinkin' thinkin'." My mind frequently gravitates towards the anger and betrayal of my sitch, and today I thought, "Who is this helping? Nobody. It's only dragging me down and making me feel worse."

I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes, attributed to Buddha: "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I am often inspired by people who come into my bank every day with an infectious grin and a warm, energizing attitude. Whatever might be going on in their lives, they clearly make an active choice to be positive, happy people. Not only does it make them feel better, it makes the people around them feel better. I like helping positive people the most because it makes me feel good just being around them.

So...basically....working harder on cultivating a PMA. I'm tired of making the conscious choice to be unhappy. It serves no one.

Also, my other big goal is to GAL in the form of being around other people. I am proud of the GAL-ing that I am doing in my personal life including reading, watching good flicks, exercising, and writing, but apart from excursions to my home town to visit with my family, I'm not doing a very good job of meeting new people.

Part of the problem is the area. My W and I moved here solely because this is her hometown and her parents live here, so the only friends I made here are ones who were already friends with my W. I have no friends of my own.

Another problem is my work. Work is great and has allowed me to get out with my co-workers to go to dinner. However, I won't lie when I say that women outnumber men in my profession greatly. Any guys are usually in higher positions or work in the back offices.

A third problem is money. While I'm not flat-broke, I don't have a lot. I like to keep what I can in reserve.

A fourth problem is that I'm a bit of a paradox when it comes to socializing. I am the kind of person who is initially very shy and hates being dropped into a situation with people who I don't know. However, once I get to know someone and get a feel for how they work, I completely loosen up and become very talkative, joking, and out-going.

Any suggestions? I'm hoping to make at least one of these local write-ins for NaNoWriMo. It seems like such a great opportunity, and I would hate to waste it.

On a side-note, does anybody have any perspective on the sitch with my W and OM? I hate to bring this up because I shouldn't be thinking about her at all, but I figure that it wouldn't hurt to hear some advice. Coming up on the 14th, she will have been living with him for three months.

I thought for sure that being forced to live with OM day-in and day-out for just a short while would destroy the fantasy that most A's seem to be built on. When she called me complaining about him, saying that his "true colors" were showing, I thought for sure that it was over. Now all I hear from her is how they're probably going to get M'd and how he walks on water.

At this point, I'm starting to become convinced that OM really is everything my W wants. (I'm not going to lie, hearing her say, "He's everything you should have been" during our last meeting cut me to the bone.)

[kml]

Ummm...I highly doubt he's morphed from "true colors showing, W has to call you to complain about him" to "He's everything you should have been". I'd take everything she says with a large canister of salt. I think she says some of that just to goad you.

As for building a social life - Nanowrimo is a great idea. Also, check out meetup.com - many people here have had good experiences with meetup groups. Or sign up for dance lessons. Or, if you play an instrument, find an adult "school of rock" type class - that's what I did, now I've been playing drums in an amateur rock band for the last three years

[westcoastfella]

Ummm...I highly doubt he's morphed from "true colors showing, W has to call you to complain about him" to "He's everything you should have been". I'd take everything she says with a large canister of salt. I think she says some of that just to goad you.

Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking, too. She has said many hurtful things to me already during this time frame that were obviously said to get under my skin, so I wouldn't put it beneath her.

Plus, I keep forgetting one of the Number One rules for DB-ers: "Believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see." Why should I take any of what she says so seriously? It might be true. Then again...it might not be.

I like the way you put it: "with a large canister of salt." Sometimes, a grain just ain't enough.

In many ways, I regret even asking the question. My goal is detaching and yet I'm still grasping for reassurance about W and OM! Seems like a waste of head-space to me. What happens with them will happen. It's out of my hands. Good things will come around the bend for me with or without her.

Also, check out meetup.com - many people here have had good experiences with meetup groups. Or sign up for dance lessons. Or, if you play an instrument, find an adult "school of rock" type class - that's what I did, now I've been playing drums in an amateur rock band for the last three years

I'll try meetup.com. Man, you have to love technology these days -- it makes finding people and things so much easier than it used to be. And good hearing about the band situation for you. Sometimes a good rock song is all you need to get back on track!

I found myself listening to "I'm Not Down" by The Clash and was inspired by the positive lyrics. Seriously, people, look them up. They're inspiring. (They almost seem to have inspired Chumbawamba -- the lyrics bring "Tubthumping" to mind.)

[kml]

We're playing The Middle by Jimmy Eat World - love that message.

And it is physically impossible to be unhappy when you're drumming Highway to Hell

[westcoastfella]

Just a small update. I have decided to take up mindfulness again. For those who don't know, mindfulness is basically the practice of centering your attention into the present moment. It is traditionally a Buddhist practice, but it has been building steam in the western world, especially now that many psychologists have been suggesting it as a successful method of emotional regulation. (Nearly all of the self-help books that I've read throughout my posts have suggested mindfulness as a way of improving one's life.)

I made it a regular thing at the end of last year. (Not the traditional methods of meditating like focusing on your breath for half an hour, just being in the present moment in my everyday life.) As goofy as such a simple method sounded, I began to see a lot of positive effects in a short span of time, including:

--being more attentive to what was going on around me. I felt "smarter" because I was picking up on things way more quickly. I also became a safer driver. Before, I would miss traffic signs, important turns, or sudden changes in traffic.
--feeling way less stressed about things that used to really aggravate me. Obnoxious or nasty people just couldn't get under my skin anymore. Two of my supervisors at the time remarked that I was the calmest person on staff.
--being more in tune with the needs and wants of others rather than focusing so much on "me, me, me." I began to enjoy having conversations with people because I was really listening to them (rather than only listening when something they said interested me).
--finding joy in a lot of things that I found easy to take for granted when not in the moment.

My W noticed the results as well. She had always disliked that I was so "spacey" and off-in-my-head much of the time. After a month or so of mindfulness, she told me, "I had doubts before about you being a father, but now I know that my kids will be safe with you."

I fell off the wagon after my sitch came about, but now I'm back on. I'm looking forward to the positive effects that this will have. Life is so much easier when you're taking it moment by moment, and I'm just so tired of feeling disconnected from the world around me.

[aeolianchaos]

Hey WCF,

I think that mindfulness is a great idea. It's powerful to have a regular practice of it, and of course it is valuable in how we experience stressful situations (like the ones that bring us here? )

I would add that mindfulness also increases one's tolerance for experiencing painful/anxious/stressful situations without having the narrative mind go buck wild.

The best book I've read on the subject is Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are.

Incidentally, I read the book on overthinking that you had mentioned. While Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema's case studies are females, I did find a lot to take away from it. I appreciate you bringing the book up.

[westcoastfella]

I would add that mindfulness also increases one's tolerance for experiencing painful/anxious/stressful situations without having the narrative mind go buck wild.

As I thought last night, I have yet to have seen an emotionally distraught Buddhist monk in my lifetime.

The best book I've read on the subject is Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are.

Most people recommend JKZ's "Full Catastrophe Living." I've flipped through "Wherever You Go..." and it seemed like a basic re-hashing of concepts explained in detail in the first book. At some point, I'm planning on getting a copy of "FCL" and actually reading it.

Incidentally, I read the book on overthinking that you had mentioned. While Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema's case studies are females, I did find a lot to take away from it. I appreciate you bringing the book up.

Hey, no problem. Overthinking seems to be a particularly pervasive malady in today's culture, so the more we know about it, the better. I do mostly see it in women, but I have seen my share of overthinking males, as well.

If more people regularly practiced mastery over their minds and emotions, this might be a more peaceful world in which to live.

[westcoastfella]

An update on my GAL-ing since I didn't put it into my last post. Plus, a communication with my W.

Woke up this morning early to go to a branch meeting at my bank, even though it was my day off. After grocery shopping, I exercised (both cardio and strength), cleaned my apartment top to bottom, wrote my daily NaNoWriMo quota (1,667 words is a lot when you're spinning them from nothing), got the oil changed in my car, went to the mall to walk around and look at stuff, made a hearty chicken spaghetti dinner, watched "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" (which really was fantastic), and am now settling in to read more of the lovely "Yiddish Policemen's Union" by Michael Chabon.

Before doing my nightly dishes, I got a TM from my W. It's been roughly 3 weeks since the "anniversary" text from her.

W: Just thought I'd tell you that I've been thinking of you. Hope things are going well.

I have half a mind not to reply at all. That would certainly be a 180 from me, pleaser that I was in the R. Not sure what I'll do yet. I'll sleep on it. Suggestions are welcome.