NorthStar, You are doing a fabulous job! Keep it up! You've been dropping the crumbs of friendship for a long time and your h is steadily picking them up and following the trail. I'm very, very happy to see how your life's chapter is unfolding.
Christmas is the time for miracles. You are embracing the holiday spirit and the magic of the season. I truly believe that the new year will bring a stronger friendship between you and your h.
Stay positive! Enjoy your day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Didn't hear from H for the 9 days leading up to Christmas Day. Prior to that we had spent the evening celebrating middle sons exam marks. H had suggested a pub/restaurant where we used to go and where many of our friends and their families still do. It was a lovely evening and what turned out to be a 'quick bite to eat' turned into a long, leisurely meal that included several interactions with people we hadn't seen for over two years. H and I strolled back through the town to my car together and parted with a friendly kiss to go our separate ways. Then nothing. I threw myself with great gusto into festive preparations for myself and the kids and as the days went by concluded that H had needed to retreat and concentrated on making sure that our day would be wonderful even if H decided that he couldn't make it.
On Christmas Eve, and on my way back from the last shopping trip, I called in at my local church to pray for guidance and strength. I had been there for about 10 minutes and I felt my phone vibrate a message through in my pocket. I glanced at the screen and it was a text from H asking what should he bring tomorrow and what time should he get there.
The day itself was great. Conversation between myself and H was free-flowing, warm and friendly. There was much laughter and as DB principles are almost a part of my way of being now I am more relaxed and at ease. Amazing to think that H hadn't been near the house for over 8 months and even then he left in a spewing and hateful episode. And here we are now, sitting out on the back deck watching the kids play a ball game, drinking a glass of wine and sharing views on the latest good books to read. H also confided in me that he had spend the last week taking his mother for a series of medical tests. Now that hadn't even figured in what my imagination had him doing for the last 9 days. Must reign in those thoughts ... such a waste of time and emotion.
As well as the three sons we have together, we also have a daughter. She is from my previous relationship (her father is deceased) and H and I have raised her together since she was 12. She and H enjoyed the best relationship and she would concur that she couldn't have wished for a better father. All of her achievements (she is a successful lawyer) have been a constant source of enjoyment for us both. She has married in the last two years and now has a son of her own who will be one next month.
H has not contacted her since the birth of her baby and (I believe) found the concept of being a grandfather difficult within the context of his quest for a return to youthful activities.
On Christmas Day, following lunch, we took a stroll to walk off the meal. We bumped into a friend who we hadn't seen for several years. He was telling us how he and his wife had become grandparents and all the joy that it was bringing them. I congratulated him and elected not to mention our grandson as I didn't want to put H in a difficult position. I nearly gave myself a whiplash injury of the neck when I swung around to listen to H saying that we too had become grandparents and that he would be one in January. I didn't actually think he knew that!
That same evening, H messaged our daughter to wish her a Happy Christmas and to say that he hoped to catch up with her and her husband and son in the New Year.
The following day two youngest sons and I went for the annual get-together of extended family at the in-laws farm. The smaller farm that H and I used is a short drive away and where (I think) he now spends most of his time. MIL told me how brilliant H had been with ferrying her around and sorting out all things medical. She was surprised as contact with him at been minimal for such a long time even though he is only down the road a lot of the time.
Last Christmas H didn't show up once at this event. This year, he turned up every morning at around 8am and stayed through til about midnight. In the evening when we would all enjoy a glass of wine, H always came over and poured mine first. He kept complimenting me in front of everyone for the food I had brought. This was the guy who left me complaining about the way I cooked everything!
Middle son had some friends come and visit and they stayed at H's place. S18 hadn't been there for over two years! H asked me a few times if I wanted to go and check on them. I kept declining as this was the place where I got the confirmation of OW when I rang and she answered the phone. However, on my way back - and after H had asked again - I decided to call in with youngest son to say cheerio to S18 who was making his way back to the city with his mates.
I was stunned to see how run down the house and garden were. Furniture that had been on the verandah was now strewn around the place and covered in dense layers of vine and weed. The vegetable garden had gone to seed. This was not the love-nest that my fertile imagination had seen.
I didn't go into the house. It was a big step to simply drive there. I'm pleased that I did that, but that was enough.
So, a two day visit turned into five days and I'm now back home.
Spoke to H this morning about family stuff and he skirted around the possibility of doing something on New Years Day.
Last night I was trying to work out how I feel about all of this and recognised the underlying anxiety. I need to keep my expectations harnessed. There has been no move on H's part regarding a physical connection. There were a few 'flirty' verbal interactions between us but certainly nothing more. There has been absolutely no talk/mention of wanting to work on our marriage.
I re-read Cadet's postings on reconnection this morning with renewed interest. I think that might be where we are heading, but clearly not there yet.
I am delighted that we seem to be friends again, because he always was such a good friend. I'm also delighted that he is making his way back to his children. That means more to me than anything.
Ultimately, wherever this is leading, I'm going to be fine anyway. I now understand what being a DB success story really means.
All good wishes, love and happiness to everyone in 2012 x
Dear Seeking - thank you so much but the inspiration has come entirely from those of you who have walked this undulating path before me and are generous enough to keep returning to light the way. I send return wishes to you and yours and am truly grateful for your words of encouragement, NS x
NorthStar, Your h is starting to wake up and is reconnecting w/people.
Allow him to come to you. Listen closely and watch his body language. I know that you are curious and would like to have answers to all of your questions, but sit tight...he will tell you everything in due time.
Reconnection takes a while and your h must feel safe in order to do so. You've shown him that you and your family are "safe" because if you weren't, he wouldn't have spent so much time w/you. Don't destroy that "safe" place by pushing too hard too quickly. Treat him as a friend...no expectations.
As for this weekend's big blast, do not ask him what he's planning to do. He's not baked enough to have you question him about what his plans are for this weekend. Don't push...open the door and allow him to enter at his own pace.
As for where he lives, I'm not surprised to hear what it looked like. I can almost guarantee that the inside didn't look much better than the outside. It's sad, because we all think that they are living the good life and when you actually see how they are living, you come to terms w/the fact that they aren't doing as well as we thought.
NorthStar, you were given a "magical gift" this holiday season. You were given the gift of seeing your h waking up and also hearing some of what he has been doing w/his life. Many do not hear or see the things that you saw. You now will need to dig deeper for patience and whatever you do, curb the urge to push for more. You are at the stage where many fail because they attempt to rush the reconnection. I do not want to see you fail.
The new year is right around the corner and it's a new beginning. I'm hoping that your h will continue to wake up and will want to return to the marriage.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have printed off your post Snodderly and will use it to keep reminding myself how to manage this next stage of my journey. I've also printed off your research TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection which has given me further, deeper insight that is invaluable. Thank you thank you for holding my hand and guiding me as my sitch slowly begins to change.
Beginning a new journal for 2012, I found these two affirmations from the start of 2011's journal. They really did help:
If you are willing to change your thinking, you can change your feelings. If you change your feelings, you can change your actions. And changing your actions - based on good thinking - can change your life.
It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It's what you think about.
I couldn't agree more with the affirmations that you discovered. The more positive you are, the more life opens up to you.
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
