Back home - but for how long?

[kml]

Just wondering, what exactly did your wife run up $36k in credit card debt on? Was this just juggling in an attempt to stretch an insufficient family income - or is she a compulsive shopper or such? And how will that debt be split if you divorce?

[NYCPeter]

KML - She claims it was general household expenses over 3 years. I only found out when we went to refinance the house to get a lower interest rate.

We got a HELOC loan to cover the CC debt - but this was of course before the bomb (though the anger I showed when I found out about the debt may have accelerated the bomb).

So basically the debt will be split as it's now a joint debt.

[NYCPeter]

Well I got my answer - I went to bed at 1:00am.
Just woke up - saw a text from my wife sent at 2:00am
Just saw a text from W staying at a friends house - will be back in the morning.

[NYCPeter]

Well I think I handled today's interaction fairly well. At all times I was softly spoken and validated what she said.

I was in my office when she came home around 10:00am wearing her PJs. She came into the office and asked how I was, I said fine and asked how she was - she said better now she has had some Tylenol.

I asked her where she stayed, she mentioned the friend (divorcee), I said that in 12 years of M I had not stayed away from the house without her knowing in advance, I told her that I did not think it showed me respect when she did that.

W said she needed some space to think - I said I hope that she found it useful. She then told me she saw a L (totally unprompted by me) - to "see where I stand", I asked her what the L told her, and actually told her she would get less than my L told me.

I did get a little teary-eyed but held it in check pretty well (went for a smoke). I said that it was her choice, it's not what I want and that if she wanted to take that route I can't stop her. I told her she knows the outcome and that things will be difficult for all of us.

2x4 here - I also told her that I felt she could so so much more in life and that I am willing and able to support her by taking pressure off at home. She was far too smart to be waitressing 2 nights a week and if she wanted to train in a new career (she is a art history major) I would do whatever it takes to help. The fact we never see each other caused the breakdown in our relationship and I would like for us to work similar hours.

I also said that the next step was hers to take - if she truly wanted to stop trying as she said last week, I couldn't force her to.

I had to go and pick the girls up - she gave me a hug and said she had never heard some of these things before.

We have MC on Thurs - I plan on asking her if she wants to continue trying then she should join me, otherwise I will go on my own.

We later went for pizza and a street party with the girls and she left for work, saying "bye and I'll talk to you later".

I'm actually feeling good about myself - if she wants to file, I know I'll be ok, I know the girls will be ok and that I would have done everything I could to save the M.

[Accuray]

Sweet NYCPeter! That's right where you want to be. Sounds like you said exactly the right things to your W, and that she got a dose of reality from the L.

In my experience, that satisfied feeling comes and goes, so prepare yourself that you will have many ups and downs, even if you are at peace with your efforts.

[NYCPeter]

So that didn't last long.

On Sat night, W came home at 3:00am - I was in bed, pretended to be asleep and we had a talk the next day. I asked her what time she came home and she said the correct time and that she just hung out after work. I told her that she's free to come and go as she pleases, but that coming in at those hours is not doing our relationship any good (I know, 2x4).

Not sure if this was the correct thing to do - but I said why not set milestones and goals. Why not keep working at it until the end of the year and if either of us felt that our M hadn't improved sufficiently by then that we take it to the next logical step.

She said she would need to think about it (you may recall she wanted to stop working on the M), I said that all I ask from her is respect - that she treats me as she would expect to be treated by her spouse.

Later that evening W says she is meeting her friend (divorcee) for a drink, should be home in 90 mins, before she leaves she gives me a hug (I am sitting down) and shows me she has her W ring on (she hasn't worn it since I stormed out the previous weekend). I'm feeling good - all postitive right.... 4 hrs later (1:00am) - W is not home. I called her cell phone, no answer - she came home at 1:30am. I was in bed, she said she was in a bar and lost track of time. I was upset and angry - a few hours earlier she was saying she was leaving for 90 mins and put her rings on to show re-commitment to our M. I told her this was disrespectful and I deserved better than this - we both lay there for 15 mins obviously awake. I defused the situation by saying "I suppose sex is out of the question" - we haven't ML since the bomb. A few more jokey references to sex and we spooned and hugged all night.

I need help - I know I can't stop her from going out all hours, and I know she seems remoresful for doing so afterwards. Do I just ignore it? Do I tell her I will not look after the girls and leave the house before she goes out?

One other thing - was the time limit and milestone thing a good idea? I did say I did say that M was a continuous effort and that we needed to keep working at it for the rest of our lives.

The fact she keeps doing things that I don't like shows a complete lack of respect - she's either having an affair (and I haven't ruled out with the divorcee as she spends so much time with her), or she clearly doesn't care and wants to have an affair.

[Harrier]

I also said that the next step was hers to take - if she truly wanted to stop trying as she said last week, I couldn't force her to.

And then what do you do the very next day. Try to force her too with the time limit/goals thing.

I told her that she's free to come and go as she pleases, but that coming in at those hours is not doing our relationship any good

And then what did you do. You got pissy about it. If you are going to lecture her about her comings and goings then she isn't really "free" to come and go because you will always be there with a lecture about respect.


You keep saying one thing then acting the total opposite. You need some consistency use the formula 25 preaches. It's not that hard.

What kind of message do you think this sends to W? Could you trust someone who did this?

[NYCPeter]

Fair comments - but in my defence (and to be honest I'm not sure I've got much defence).

And then what do you do the very next day. Try to force her too with the time limit/goals thing.

I was trying to provide another option for her to think about rather than moving forward directly with filing. Delay tactic, anything that would extend the time she can see my 180's and GAL.

And then what did you do. You got pissy about it. If you are going to lecture her about her comings and goings then she isn't really "free" to come and go because you will always be there with a lecture about respect.

I was upset because she said she was leaving for an hour and came back 4 hours later.

But I accept your comments are spot on in the cold light of day.

Having said that - last night was the best night I had in bed with my W for months. She giggled at my jokes and she drew closer to me - I know it means nothing and that it was probably done out of guilt. But I enjoyed it.

[Harrier]

If everything is rosey...why the comment "So that didn't last long"

I guess what I see is still a lot of focus on what your W is doing. It seems to be very anti-DB, but I think it's entirely human. I do think DB sometimes requires Herculean emotional gymnastics at times.

I'm glad you had a good night.

The "delay" can help some, but I think you have to go into it with the right idea and I hope you are. You can't go into it with the idea that you are going to do something to make her change her mind or that the MC is.

[dearme]

My advice regarding the late nights is to give her all the freedom in the world to do it without commenting on it, even though I think you're right that it's hugely disrespectful. That's something you can negotiate when you're on more stable ground. In my experience, the more freedom I "gave" my wife to continue staying out without asking her where she was and who she was with, the less she did it. At first she wanted to see if she could do it without me making an issue of it, but once she saw that I "didn't care", I think the late nights began to lose some of their allure.

From my perspective, I don't think the closeness you experience with your wife means nothing or is a sign of guilt on her part... I'm sensing that she's just truly conflicted and it's more a result of the elastic band/yo-yo effect. I also don't think she's having an affair...not a physical one at any rate, much as others may disagree with me.